Sunday, September 26, 2010


So I had a visitor today.
It was my niece, I haven't seen her in a month. The last time we saw each other was at a my pregnant sister in law's funeral a month ago.
My favorite niece came to pay me a visit tonight and I loved it.
For a few hours I felt like a human being again. Thank you God Almighty you are great.
I got to feel like a person again. I got to feel like a normal human being.
No Ed, Mia or Ana in sight.
There was a little bit of panic but after awhile it subsided.
We got to bond. We just talked, like an aunt and a niece are supposed to.
I told my niece about my eating disorder and her reaction was genuine, not curiosity or jealousy, not fascination or judgement either, just concern and understanding.
We used to be so close once upon a time, but life happens and things get mixed up.
Tonight though was complete honesty and sage advice.
I felt like myself again, a former version of myself that I hadn't known in years.
Dear God who I love and adore, please I need more days like this.
I need to be a person again.
Not just a woman who suffers with afflictions that seem out of her hands.
I had someone understand and hold my hand through my confession.
I am lost.
I am a victim and a prisoner. I need help.
I will get that help soon I hope.
Finally for tonight at least I was free.
I want more days like this, more days where I can be myself, where there are no such things as guilt and words like self punishment. I want to be me again, whoever she may be.
I'm hopeful tonight.
Maybe tomorrow the dizziness and anxiety will touch me again, but not tonight. Tonight I am done with it.
I am so very sorry that a dear friend of mines is suffering with her own turmoil, my heart breaks and goes out to her. This life we lead and these awful chains hold us prisoner. We all experience such few joys with eating disorders..
 I heard something valuable tonight. I heard with my own ears an outsiders perspective. I've heard before the don't do this to yourself speech, and I appreciate it I do, but coming from family its different, especially when they mean it.
Today at one point after 5pm I felt dizzy. I felt faint.
I decided to eat to feel better. It turned into a b/p session. Only 1x though, a good thing although zero would have been best. Still I think I did well. I felt awful the rest of the night, I was starting to get down and beat myself up about it further. The OEP was working, I wasn't even hungry, but the anxiety kept telling me that I was bad and I was going down. I ate to make it all stop, but then the voices and guilt combated the rest and I gave in to the ritual of purging, gave into the Ed. Auto pilot, cruise control, call it what you may, I gave into the same. The same thing over again. The inevitability.
 My niece randomly called, we spoke on the phone and I found out she moved relatively close to me. It was nice to hear. She decided to pay me a visit. I couldn't be more pleased.
I was nervous at first, but I did my best to shut out the anxiety and the voices that said no, stay still, close the doors, lock them all out.
When she finally came the nerves started to act up, I spoke up and told her everything, she helped me keep them at bay. She wants me to get better. She wants me to live.
Understanding is very important, it can make or break a person. Our bond continued and I came clean. She wasn't surprised, so much that I've been through, she figured it had to manifest somehow.
Then came the encouragement, you'll get over this hurdle. Some part of me believes it. I will be like the rest of you someday. I will be a woman again, with real problems, not just self inflicted ones.
It was nice to not worry, not think about Mia, not think about anything except the words that were being uttered.
I need this in my daily life. I need to be around people. I need to get back out there.
Its hard to be cut off from the world, I'm tired of allowing it.
I want to be this strong always. To know that the shallow breathing I was experiencing could be dealt with, that I could talk myself out of an attack. I need a break form Mia. I am done with this dominatrix.
I'm wide awake and waiting for my husband to get home. Tomorrow maybe I'll go back to my pessimistic attitude, maybe not. I'm hoping I can overcome this defeatist attitude and learn to love the small victories, like the one where I've overcame the plateau of 150 that seemed impossible a mere weeks ago. I have to enjoy things again. I'm getting too cynical. Its time to try.
Tonight I am me.
As for tomorrow, well I don't know, but I think I will be a little bit excited, I want to try to surprise myself into a better way of thinking.
I will sleep soundly tonight that is for sure, my conscience is clean and so is my slate.
Tonight Lulu 1-Mia 0!
Goodnight and good luck to us tomorrow, we can overcome this, we will reach our goals one way or another.