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Sunday, September 26, 2010

Dizzy

                                                                                              Mood:Spent
So today I awake and the scale says 137lbs.
I'm getting to that half way point sooner than expected, we are still in September..
I take an OEP and try to go back to bed, can't sleep of course so Ipod on and Delfonics "Hey Love" comes on to calm me down.
I got an early workout in on this lazy Sunday. In the shower afterwards as I started to lather my body, I noticed the multitude of new bruises all over my arms and legs, too many to count. If you didn't know me you'd assume I was a battered wife. Its the Ed of course that has me this way, looking like I've been in a scuffle.
At least my nuckles heal fast, no tell tale sign there.
After my shower I weigh of course and stare at my body in the mirror for what seems like hours. If I raise my arms up behind my head and bend slightly I can see ribs-nice!!
My collar bone podtrudes more now, the defenition is coming along nicely, my arms are shrinking and so is my back. I will be able to see the shoulder blades soon enough If I keep this up.
I just want to shrivel up already.
I was good today with the OEP, managed to not eat at all and had tons of energy. I got some errands done and picked up the slack on some things that I've been putting off. I was okay but the dizziness started up again. When that happened I went ahead and caved in to Mia, only once though. I can't quit her cold turkey but if I can reduce the amount of times and keep going on in that progression then I think I will be ok.
My body aches from the workout, I don't know if that's a good thing or bad? Maybe its both.
The dizziness-I hate it!!
It scares me. I feel like I'm about to pass out any day now. When I stand up everything goes dark and I stay still until the feeling passes finally. My body is confused right now. I don't know if its the anxiety, the Ed or both. I just can't take it anymore to be honest, yet I cannot stop myself even if I wanted to?
There's talk of therapy soon, I'm looking forward to it. The therapy is for the anxiety and all of the post traumatic stress I've never dealt with before. I just kinda take things and bottle them away. As for telling a therapist hello I have an Ed is a whole other matter. I'm not ready for that yet. One problem at a time.
I'm taking a lax tonight, maybe I can jump start the metabo or at least push me into the 135 this week. Let's see how the morning comes along.
I want to feel better, these dizzy spells are restricting the things that I want to do. I can't stay put forever.
I'm thinking about quitting the smoking that I foolishly started up again. I was walking up the stairs today and for the first time in the threee years that I've been climbing the same flight of stairs I felt out of breath. Its the cigarettes of course.
I can quit them, that I can do, all the other nonsense in my life that's bad for me seems harder?
I just want a few days where I don't feel like I'm about to pass out. I don't think I'm getting off that easy. I don't eat, and when I do I purge. So basically I'm running on nothing but good intentions and bad habits..
Grr my legs keep falling asleep, doesn't help with coordination.
I need new excuses for not eating, sitting across from others in a restaurant with nothing but a glass of water is getting old..

The face people make when you say no I'm not hungry or I don't want to eat.. I rather not have anything, do you really want me to eat? Its gonna be some $$ literally down the drain.
Looking forward to starting off the week, I want to make some changes and do more of things that I've been putting off.
              Cross my fingers and hope I can find the will do do them.

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