Friday, September 24, 2010


What a day.
Today I totally gave into Mia and her demands. I'm so exhausted you just have no idea.
How much longer will I be a slave to this awful life?
When will it be simply enough? Will I ever be able to look into the mirror and just like not even love, but like the person who is staring back at me?
B/p 2x today. I didn't even put up a fight. 138lbs already, I'm getting there very quickly, to that place where all I want is to waste away. For my insides to finally reflect the outside.
Last night was a bad night, the tea kept me up at all hours with horrible cramps, the insomnia didn't help matters, I felt dizzy and faint. Ate a bowl of cereal thinking I'd feel better, then came the immense guilt.
I was scared to purge with my husband in the next room already being so aware of my behavior lately. I know he's worried but doesn't know really what to make of it? Maybe he hopes once I get into therapy this will all just go away. I wonder if that is ever going to happen.
The voice in my head began its dammed nagging, I couldn't make it stop, then it escalated further.
The panic was setting in, I was becoming aware of what I just digested, the calories, the amount..
I had to get it out, so I took a shower instead.. two birds with one stone I suppose.
Tossed and turned the whole night, I could not get back to sleep.
I paid for it this morning, fatigued and tired, bags under my eyes and a migraine.
I dropped my daughter off at school and came back home and tried to sleep. Half an hour was all I could manage.
My husband ran some errands this morning and came back with breakfast. I set it aside for later.
When I felt as though I had a little more strength I went ahead and walked to the store to get supplies for later. This time I knew what I wanted, there was no hesitation. The panic attack was well on its way. My chest pounded hard, and my breathing became more shallow. I hated it, I prayed that I wouldn't pass out in the market. The walk home was fine, I'd made it back without incident, now the clock ticks away till I could finally be truly alone, I didn't even have to drive anywhere, my husband picked up my daughter from school for me. Everything kept falling into place for me on this rainy Friday.
My husband had to go back to work today, I was relieved and sad all at the same time. I would be alone, how would he come back and find me? Alive I pray, conscious?
I wanted to be alone and just indulge in the sickness and yet a part of me yelled internally please don't go, you don't know how scared I really am. Any day now..I will pass out, will I awake is another matter entirely.
I would be all by myself today, I was going to just give in. I was tired of fighting Mia off. She's too demanding. Every purge feels like the last, and then its not.
The panic attack came and I tried my best to calm down, finally I just let the attack have me in hopes that the massive paranoid wave would settle, and it did. I continued with the ritual.
Today is my last day on the Progesterone. I think of today as a farewell, tomorrow I can get back on the OEP and hopefully welcome Ana back.
I worked out today and stared at my body in the mirror, I can see certain places getting smaller, curves and plains on my body I hadn't seen in years. I can see change. Then again I can't really trust what I see, sometimes my mind plays tricks on me and I see the opposite, nothing but lies. I don't know what to believe.
I trust nothing and no one.
Today something odd happened, a friend and I were together during a b/p session and chatting. It was odd because its something you don't normally do, when you give into the cravings alone is all you want to be. Sit down dinners and family gatherings are a thing of the past. That just can't happen anymore, normal behaivior like that is out the window. Yet here we were chatting and binging, it was nice, it felt normal to me, like how it feels to go eat somewhere, out to lunch with a friend. You eat and then nothing, everything feels right, normal chatter, no Ed in sight, except in our case the Mia was just another hot topic instead of an issue. I wonder if I will ever be able to just sit and talk and eat ever again?
I'm not looking forward to holidays and all that food that accompanies it. The cat is out of the bag now, how many will stare this year at me when I excuse myself and leave to use the restroom? I feel like a joke.
I am entertainment now instead of a person. Is my suffering entertaining?
How many lectures and scoldings will I have to endure this year?
I don't matter, this is all I know and the only grip that I have. This works for me because I can feel it, grasp it, control it. I don't know how to make anyone understand it, I don't think its my place to do so either.
So here I am now, blogging and dead beat.
I've decided to drink. That's both good and bad. Good because the voices in my head get scrambled, the panic is muted, the cravings gone. Bad because I'm mixed up, and have low tolerance now for alcohol. I'm becoming a binge drinker.
Alcoholism runs in my family in addition to Cancer and the crazies.
Maybe I'm just predisposed to end up this way. A huge vat of confusion.
How big a part does genetics add up in our lives really?
I feel dizzy, the beer helps to a certain degree before it too starts its deadly effects on me. My body is confused now, so am I.
At least I'll be able to sleep finally, the alcohol should have me out untill 4am if I'm lucky.
I wanted to go to the library tomorrow, I hope I still have the energy in the morning. I could use a day with normal in it.
I'm tired, so I think I'll have a final cigarette and the rest of this beer before I slumber.

                    I leave you with a song that's been growing on me..
              ▂ ▃ ▄ ▅ ▆ ▇  ★ "Courage" by SuperChick!! ★ █ ▇ ▆ ▅ ▄ ▃ ▂