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Saturday, September 18, 2010

Triggers

                                                                                              Mood:Set Off
So..
I've started smoking again. Many girls do it to curb the appetite, I do it because I am an idiot.
I binge drink also (yeah I said it!).
I do, at first it was because my panic attacks were too much to deal with, and I'm not on any medication for it, also I drank because I had chest pains. I self medicate, I don't know if a lot of you do that, but I do.
The drinking is frowned upon because its unnecessary carbs being digested, but the truth is girls when we B/P we absorb calories whether we realize it or not. There's a lot of debate on that, just the same with chew and spit. Some say they can Chew and Spit and nothing would happen, they don't gain, its like cheating. I don't believe that, I think that you can't spit it all out, you do swallow the juice and some particles, so of course you'll gain. I personally have only done c/s in extreme cases of hunger, I never lost doing that, I never gained either, but still, I wouldn't do it.
Now back to the alcohol.
I've b/p 2x today, I was incredibly weak today and so I did it. Now I'm drinking to blur the day, I'm sure there are others like me, there even statistics that say people with eating disorders are also abusers of some kind of influence, drugs or alcohol related. Just the same as statistics that say a good chunk of people with eating disorders have been abused sexually in some way or another, whether molestation or rape. Those are the facts, taboo as they may be.
I know that tomorrow when I get on that scale I will have lost a pound, I hate that when I b/p I do lose. I would rather starve than resort to that, but I haven't been as successful with Ana as most. I've lost 60+ lbs with Mia, the bitch that she is. The truth of the matter is she came into my life as a self punishment. One day there was just too much for me to deal with. I tend to blame myself for everything, arguments, things going wrong, anything. I'm the type of person you can argue with, and while I may be right, I will feel bad about it and take the full blame.
So I ate and threw up. I think it was a day that I felt like a crummy mother, or wife or friend, who knows, but I felt like I was the guilty party and so I did it and since then I've always felt that I am to blame.
Mia has been a part of my life since then, always there holding my hand, encouraging me into this behavior.
Ah triggers.
My triggers are anything that I cannot control. People, situations, time.
My latest and biggest trigger have been epic!
I tend to think that I am a good friend, and understanding, sometimes to a fault. I poured my heart out to someone who was going through a difficult break up. They themselves told me that they've lost friends over the fact of the breakup, seeing as how they constantly nagged and had nothing better to speak of other than their ex..
I stuck by this person and we meshed. We got close. I thought anyways.
Well one day this person decides to give me the cold shoulder, and at the worst time possible, I was going through a really bad time with the Ed and this person alone knew of it. Of course you know what happened next, they got back together with their ex, and I was set aside, no phone calls, nothing. Ignored and stored away. I was devastated. I never saw that coming. I'm too trusting.
So ever since that day Ana came along and held my hand. She showed me strenght that I never knew I had, and so I starved and then restricted. It was great. But yesterday I got a text from this friend, and it set me off. I couldn't believe the nerve of some people..What did they expect? That I was holding my breath the whole time waiting for a word from them? I didn't respond, but it still cut me.
Today I just couldn't take all the other uncontrollable triggers and I caved.
I don't know what next week will hold or even tomorrow. I just hate that people, certain people can be dubbed triggers. I am on a mission here, I have been for awhile. I will have to start cutting people outta my life.
I can't just throw this all away. I want to be happy one day and I know only I can make that happen. I'm not thinking about any consequences right now, I'm only thinking about how close I am to being there, to being normal and happy, as happy as I can be.
I'm going to end up alone with this I can see. The Ed will isolate me further, I'm already snappy with most people, and those I don't want to argue with I simply push away. Maybe its best if I'm not around civilized people, they can't understand me anyways.
The drinking helps, and so does venting, even if no ones reading or listening..
I do this for me. I've always put others first, always. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I trust too much.
I can't stop the triggers, but I can stop myself. I will.
I will change, I will adapt. Life can be possible-What is happiness to you really?
For me its bones, its knowing that I feel as though I deserve nothing and so I have nothing.
I will find Ana again, I will..she will help me through this, and I will finally truly say goodbye to Mia. I'm tired of the setbacks. I'm tired of the lies I tell myself. Be strong if you can, I applaud you if you are.
So this is my rant and my vent at this unholy hour, thank you for listening out there whoever you are..

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