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Monday, September 27, 2010

Setback

                                                                                          Mood:Sad
Feel like a failure today.
The dizziness is getting to be too much, its hard to tell what is causing it. I think its the Ed and the anxiety both feeding off each other simultaneously.
I'm at 136 today but that isn't going to stay the same by the end of the day.
Ran errands with hubby today and had to eat to fight the faitigue.
710 calories.
At the bank I managed to purge fast, couldn't get it all out. I'm not getting on that scale tody, I can't bear to see the number.
Came home, bought a lax for later and made tea to get things moving along. Plan to workout till my muscles ache. Haven't b/p anymore today. I feel like it though, I really feel like just not giving a fuck today about myself.
Feel misreable and tired.
Depressed and have nothing to combat it, no one to confide in. All alone in the trenches as usual. I wish I could just feel like everyone else, be like everyone else, boring and indifferent. That's not how my brain works, my wiring is different. I can only handle day to day tasks, I can't think ahead anymore, I feel at times like time forward may not always be with me.
The blackout is coming very soon, hopefully its a fainting spell from dehydration and not a seizure from low levels.
Next month it will be officially eight months since Mia has touched my life, I wonder what the end of the year will have in store for me? Will I even be around to see it?
I don't know how to stop myself, I don't even know if I truly want to.
All I can do is one day at a time, I hope that is understandable.
I can't even fathom sitting down at a table and eating a normal meal again, food has become such a disgust. Food and numbers govern my life.
Everyday I wake up and think I'll go back to normal, back to a version of me that was once familiar, but that is just not happening. There is something that is at the helm steering this ship of mines off course, not into the sunset but into a horrible squall.
I will be shipwrecked soon enough, what's left of me to a watery grave.



So its now 8pm and I had already b/p again.
My niece was suppose to come over, so I was going to postpone the binge and the workout to accommodate her, but she had to cancel to attend a very important class, I took it as a sign. Oh and had another panic attack!
Had a much needed repressed cry, panic attack susbsided, a proper binge session, then purged. Worked out and I'm firm at 136 again. This morning's bonehead move is now obliterated.
Well guess what, I'm still dizzy and lightheaded. My lax is sitting in the fridge and I'm faced with a new problem
Yesterday and now today..I have a horrible pain in my stomach.
I have no idea what it could be. Maybe a tear? or maybe I've pulled a muscle?
Either way the purging is starting to take its toll on my body. It scares me, I figured if it were serious then I'd vomit up blood, but I don't think that is always the case.
In any event I cannot give into Mia anymore, I will just keep doing more harm than good.
My period is back again, another factor to contribute in my depression. I just took care of this, got on medication to stop the month long bloodfest, now its back again. I can't even begin to imagine dealing with that nonsense again.
I can't catch a break. I fix one thing over here, and something else falls apart over there. I'm so fucking tired of it all.
I need a vacation from myself if that were even possible, I need a nap. A long day into subconcious, another realm where there is no such thing as scales and Ed. I have to pull it together, I have no choice in the matter, I have a daughter that depends on me, I have to try to make this life I've chosen work. I need to function, I'm so scared of dying all the time, I'm not even living. I wish I could just get rid of this anxiety disorder already, its suffocating me. No insurance. My husband is suppose to put me on his insurance at work, he's taking his time with it, I'm trying to be a good christian and have patience and give him the benifit of the doubt, but in the meantime its hard to keep on my feet. I guess he'll have to help me one way or another, either the good way or the bad. I will go down, can't keep this shit up much longer, I'm not that tough, not when there's a war raging in my head. A bunch of voices screaming at me that everything is wrong, that all possibilities are not endless but limited.
The body cannot live without the mind.
I wonder if I'll hit the 135 mark tomorrow or if today's blunder will have plateaued me?
Just what I need another setback. Tired of backtracking. I just want to reach a goal and see where it takes me. Maybe I will finally be happy and can then think about looking at food differently, I will be able to maintain instead of continuing to lose.
If I don't get the proper therapy for my depression and anxiety I will just continue to spiral by self medicating and making one bad choice after another.
I'm currently not in the best state to make desicions..case in point water..I hardly drink any fluids anymore. My warped mind believes even water can cause gain. It can't of course, but that's Ana for you.

I'm hoping to change that tomorrow, I need to hydrate myself, I assume the dizziness could be from that, I can't risk passing out behind the wheel or in public somewhere all by myself. Note to self: Drink Water!!
This has been a long day. I think I'm done, not doing the lax, I think I'll hold off. It will just further dehydrate me. Besides, the stomach pain has me plenty occupied right now.
So wish me luck and that I can remain on my feet and not blackout, the last thing I need is a seizure!

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