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Saturday, September 25, 2010

Obstacles

                                                                                             Mood:Angry
Saturday.
Hello plateau, I was wondering when you were going to show up?
Great here we go again.
I awake at five am from a drunker slumber, at least I'm not sleepy. I go weigh and there it is 138 still, I've reached the inevitable "plateau" the immovable number on the scale that throws a monkey wrench in the works!
Grr, Mia tricked me! She led me astray again.
So now what?
I'm up, take my supps and this time my OEP. No more Progesterone for me, go back to bed and lay there willing the sleep to come that never does. Ipod on, volume up, Lamb's "Angelica" in the earphones lulling me to rest.
I'm feeling the effects of the OEP awhile later, I'm jittery and nervous and dizzy again. I'm not hungry or craving, that's a good thing.
The day skips ahead and now at noon I've gone to the bathroom and I'm spotting? Ugh. Really this shit again? WTF!!
I don't get it, what is going on with my body? Am I suppose to bleed to death now? Am I suppose to be on hormone therapy the rest of my life now or until I hit Menopause and this horrible monthly burden is eradicated?  I am suddenly envious of people who've had hysterectomies. I think I'm done having children, take my womb please! or tie me some knots, anything to make this bleeding stop. If its not Cancer what is the problem?
Lucky Men and their penises! dam Eve had to eat the apple! I think I will start to hate apples in protest of her blunder.
I can't go back to the hospital again. I'm tired of that place, to keep explaining the same thing over and over, plus I have no insurance. I hope it goes away, this thing is such a trigger.
I was supposed to go to the library today, but to be honest I don't trust my body 100% today, I'm scared that I would get dizzy on the long walk there and faint. Then again maybe I wouldn't, I jog everyday and feel fine, but the anxiety has been on all week long, everyday now. Its telling me stay home, I won't make it out there in the world surrounded by a sea of faces. I feel suffocated and cold today, so cold. My body is shrinking and so is the ability to regulate its temperature properly.
So now I'm plagued with a dilemma..I've hit a plateau and need to overcome it. What should I do? The OEP is working its magic, no B/p session in sight. I feel so strange on days when Mia is away, I have all this free time. I am free of her for the moment. What do I do with myself? Maybe if I'm up to it I'll take a walk with my daughter, the weather has been really nice lately. My kind of weather. I'm looking forward to my favorite month in existence October, good things always happen to me in that month without fail, wonder whats in store?
I'm hoping its a change of address and maybe my goal getting closer, much closer, no more obstacles or plateaus.
So its now after 2pm and I am good. Going to make some tea and enjoy a smoke, maybe later the lax but I don't know yet..
Fingers crossed that I will continue to be strong and really mean it this time.

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