Tuesday, September 14, 2010

The calm before the Storm..

                                                                                            Mood: Shakey

The days are starting to run together..
Every day feels like that movie Ground Hog's day with Bill Murray. A constant repetition I'm getting sick of at times. And now I'm losing days. I can't recall the date. I was one day ahead, hm not good. This is happening a lot lately. My focus is low and so is my weight today. I've lost another pound, I am 144.
Ana is very sneaky.
I feel very exhausted one second and utterly alive the next. Now that Mia seems to be gone and I have not b/p for two whole days, I feel amazing.
The emptiness inside me feels right. I can't believe it, I think I may have beaten the Bulimia (I could be just fooling myself hm). Sure now there's Anorexia to battle, but its a welcomed one.
With Mia, I felt constantly down, horrid. I was a whore in her eyes, nothing, a fat worthless void. I felt like any effort was wasted, her voice in my head was too controlling. I couldn't enjoy anything, because I knew food would eventually come up and I had to eat. Once I started to take a bite of anything, Mia's voice pushed for the cycle to start. You can't have that in you..and so it went.
Now that Ana is here, I feel like I have more confidence and I'm even starting to like myself, I feel like I want to do things, go out into the world that has been taken from me due to Mia and the Anxiety. I need to get back out there, start to work again, interact with others, I'm becoming a hermit.
Today I had more energy. I also had for the majority of the day, a horrible headache, a bobble head headache as I've dubbed it. I also am having a bad case of the shakes. The shakes scare me. I'm scared they may mean I'm about to have a seizure..or I have low blood sugar. In which case I would go into a coma. So tomorrow I'm going to the Emergency room to see what can be done for me. It will be scary and I'm sure I'll be stuck there all day but its all I can do for now.
My biggest fear is passing out in public and waking up in a hospital bed, unaware of the lost time.
I've decided to restrict today. I actually ate something and kept it down.
My intake for today was a mere 245 calories.
I decided to enjoy a packet of soup and a small stack of crackers. I also had my protein shake and vitamins. Lots of water in between bites to help the full feeling along. Then I digested and decided to workout. 800 calories burned today again. The food I ate left me rather full. I thought that I would panic and go purge, but not this time, not with Ana patting me on my back. She says today it is OK. It is a mindset, a goal. the control that I do not have around me perishes. I have control over this, over my body, what goes in and out. Only I can hurt me. Only I allow it.
Today was a small victory. The hospital will be a long chaos tomorrow. Eh, we'll see what happens.
I feel stronger now that I'm letting others know about my Eating Disorder. Every one's reaction is different. They are all truly surprised. I have to tell because the weight keeps dropping fast and it will soon be apparent that there is something the matter. I don't like secrets, never have.. I have enough voices in my head with adding a guilty conscience to boot. I encourage honesty, its good for your soul and your karma.
I can only hope that others will understand and not ridicule me for this. I can't help this behavior, and I can't seem to stop. All I can do now is embrace and endure it.
Wish me luck at the hospital, I will need it.


Lady Jay said...

I hope everything goes fine at the E.R tomorrow!I will never judge u..I"ll just try to understand!

AKA 'Krystal' said...

i hope everything is going well hun... i am thinking of u!