Thursday, September 23, 2010

Hello 130's

Last night my sister and I butted heads.
I was trying to make her understand a little more about me and she was trying her best to tell me about her understanding of me.
In the end it was best to just drop it and agree to disagree.
I can't explain it even if I wanted to, because to be honest I don't know what's wrong with me?
What is it in me that drives me to behave this way, you can speculate all you want but you won't have me pegged.
So this morning I get up and it is a beautiful windy, rainy day. I love days like this. They keep me calm and sane. I wish for more days like this.
I weigh and I am at 139 today.
Out of the 140s and moving full speed ahead into the 130's a week ahead of schedule.
I have one more day on the Progesterone and then I can get back on the OEP.
I'm looking forward to the pills. I've had a protein shake this morning (55cals)
and my supplements. Loads of dieter's tea too.
I was fine during the day, and then my daughter came home from school and had to be fed. Rice and chicken for her dinner.
Husband made coffee and then heated up a plate of brown rice for me, he set it next to me on the table. He was attempting to feed me.
I was already debating chew and spit. I can't stand to do that. I didn't want to b/p with him here, but what other choice did I have? He is becoming aware of the severity of what it is I'm actually doing to my body. If he only knew all of the gory details I believe he would cry.
 I left the plate on the table for a few minutes, as if ignoring it would make the matter disappear.
Then just as quick he took the plate away and ate the meal himself. I was spared of the awful ritual.
So I was empty still.
I ended up binging finally, a small one, something I could purge later real fast in one of my bathroom trips. When I did finally manage to purge I was interrupted. Half out, no good.
Luckily I suggested the park earlier and he took up the offer suddenly. Leaving me to my own devices.
I could finish, a final b/p to get the other out and I was done for the day.
Weight 139-safe.
More tea to get any stragglers out. This is getting tedious.
I feel a unspoken tension now in the house, its triggering.
             So the cycle continues again on this Thursday afternoon.


AAOS said...

Wow. It really sounds like you're going through a tough time with yourself. I sure hope everything gets better.
Congrats on getting into the 130's though! I remember how happy I was when I reached the 130's. Of course, the more I seem to lose, the more I seem to obsess :/