Thursday, September 30, 2010

One for the Road..

Today was another mistake.
Had breakfast, I can't even tell you how many calories. I don't even want to think about that. Could not purge at the restaurant, the bathroom was out of order. Twenty minutes elapsed and that was it, nothing more I could do. You have no idea how mad I am at myself for not having the willpower to stop in the first place.
I have to pack up everything for my three day hotel stay, I haven't even started yet. I have to do everything on my own, no help from anyone. I hate that, wish I could be stronger and just mouth off and get my point across but it never happens that way anymore. I just endure.
Bought two lax, took one and drank tea in addition to the eight cups of MC.
Made my drink for tomorrow already and managed to squeeze in a workout. This weekend I will be unable to workout, not the jogging anyways, you better believe crunches galore I'll at least get done. The place where I'm staying has no Internet, ugh at least plenty of books and DVDs.
Well more triggers, husband super annoying today, won't let up on me and my attitude. I try to explain over and over again to him, that I am not well, I need to see a therapist, he doesn't seem to get it, or maybe he genuinely doesn't care?
I need to be properly diagnosed and medicated. How can you yell at someone who's sick? I don't want to be this way, I'd love nothing more than to be like all the other sheep out there, I don't mean to be the black one and stick out.
It makes me feel worse, these are things that are out of my control.
I've heard today that maybe he's in Denial.
Maybe he is, he should make an effort to find out about me at least. I did after all confess to him that I have an eating disorder, he should at least ask me everyday how I'm doing with it? But he doesn't.
I don't know how relationships last with Ed, but I think they don't. I felt depressed again and hopeless. The spiral downward continues.
Its hard to be alone in this. No one going through it here in person to help, no other face to put this disorder on. I look in the mirror and its just lil ol' me staring back. Guess that's how its going to have to be. I think after I'll reach my goal, I may not stop. The way things are going sometimes I just feel I don't want to care anymore about myself at all. Who knows, that could be a long ways away, and I don't think ahead.
I felt low and sad. I needed Mia.
First chance I got, there she was waiting in the wings.
I had an epiphany suddenly. I was chasing a feeling.
When I would give myself freely to Mia, there was a feeling that she gave back.
During binging there is a calm, an understanding, something in me that is at peace. The purge is a release, a great empty feeling. I've expelled whatever ails me at the moment in addition to the food. Its this very thing I realized today that I am missing. There is a component that has been taken from me at some point in my life. At times in that brief moment of caving do I get that back.
So I gave in the minute I had an hour or so to myself. I felt better immediately.
Its a vicious circle, and I am a party to it.
I hear more and more stories of girls thinking this is a diet and that its a quick weight loss, its not. There are no such things as quick fixes. There is no such thing as quick weight loss. The thing will eat at you, you'll find yourself a slave and it your master.
I look back and see all that I've done to come here now. Even though it was not all the best choices, you know what, I honestly think I would do it again?
You see, I need therapy.
Oh, super lazy, I have to pack, I don't even know what to pack? I hate making desicions. I would love nothing more right now than to have a glass of wine and a cigarette. I'm trying to quit again. Had one earlier and maybe one more before bed and that's it. I promise..
Well night all, have to stop procrastinating!
Have a lot to do. I'll try to pop into a Mcdonalds and use up their free WiFi but can't make any promises. I'll keep a log though of the Master Cleanse I'll still be doing this weekend, so please wish me luck that I lose something other than little pieces of my sanity!