ABC Day 3

                                                                                           Mood:Pessimist

Okay so this is day 3 of ABC and let me just say-shit!

I weighed this morning and I'm up by one.

I don't know if I'm retaining water or if its the mere fact that food is now in me, but there you have it gain!

Oh boy, triggered.

Yesterday I went ahead and did fine, no b/p.

My intake was at 493, just shy of the 500. After eating, I felt incredibly sleepy and lazy suddenly, I could not keep my eyes open. I think it was all the protein I had or maybe my body slowly digesting the foreign food that has been allowed to fester in there. Either way it was nap time for me. I awoke an hour later and worked out like a maniac trying to burn off 500 calories of crazy that I can't believe I ate.

In the morning I boiled and egg.

"Where are the rest of the eggs?" My husband asks peering into the pot of boiling water on the stove.

No, just the one.

He raises his eyebrow. "That's all you're having for breakfast?"

I nod my head, he looked genuinely shocked, was it because I was eating or the amount of food I was eating.

"You need to eat something you look like this!" he sticks out his pinkie finger as an example.

I brush it off and continue what I'm doing. I have no time for that.

The morning was off to a slow start because he had to take my daughter to school. I dressed in layers for the cold day. I had my To Do list ready and I felt positive. I felt irritable and wanted to cave but didn't. I panicked a little at the thought of my weight possibly going up. Is this normal and will it keep going up? I am after all eating. Ugh this isn't going to be as easy as I'd hoped.

The day continued and I held it together. My daughter and husband did the most they could to annoy me to no end.

Example:

My daughter now makes a noise, its like a humming? She just started doing this. She just hums at random times for no reasons at all.

My husband suffers from severe OCD, so maybe she mimics him, or maybe its hereditary, idk.

I mean I have my bouts of OCD too, but those got amplified in thanks to the Eating Disorder. Back to the story..

Hubby scolds her for said noise, she stops-does it again. He brings it up to my attention. I figured she'd out grow it or maybe if you ignored it she'd stop all on her own. I make the comment to him that maybe you know-monkey see, monkey do.

"No, she doesn't get crazy from me. You're the psycho not me." he looks offended that I would even suggest any  kind of behavioral problem is his fault.

I'm not psycho, I'm not medicated. If I were on medication then my mood swings and illness would be in check.

"You're schizophrenic! You need a lot more than pills to help you.." he drops the one sided argument and goes about doing whatever nonsense he was doing before.

You know as he continues to call me crazy and such, images from The Burning Bed and Francine Hughes face suddenly cross my mind, grrr.
I ignored all that I could. Finally the night came and I was free and in the clear. Day two done and over with.

Today the weight was up and now the 300 required calories are consumed already.



100 cal Bagel sprinkled w/Splenda & Cinnamon
Metamucil Fiber Drink
145 cal breakfast!



I wake up feeling positive because its the thought of something new and the possibility that Mia will be gone for good.

But its all too scary for some reason, trying to disassociate myself from this is hard. When did it all become so overwhelming. Food has become its own entity, a power. Dominating and Scary.
My metabolism is shot to shit and I just don't understand my body anymore. I know in my heart of hearts this is just a bump and it all makes sense, there are explanations for it all. Its just when you know only one kind of living, everything else seems like a lie-The world is flat, not round..
I'll be okay. I can get through this day, I have to there is no choice.
So to sum this up 300 cals done.
Anyone can do ABC with me, that's great. Let's compare notes, let's swap recipes..I'd love to hear from you all who wanna try this too.
Methods for distractions, motivations..
I need to keep telling myself this too shall pass!
On a happier note, tomorrow I have to see my case worker and I think my insurance is getting approved yay!
Please pray for me that this goes through. It would be the best Christmas present in the world if this happens..