Fat

                                                                                          Mood:Orca
Day..I can't remember what day of ABC this is grrr, so unfocused right now all I can think about is this gain that won't go away.
Um..oh yes Day 5, that's it?
Seems like 100 to me. I laxed last night. Let's discuss this shall we;
Backfired, my body has adapted to them, looks like if I ever wanna lax again, I have to up the amount. I can't believe the whole of the night was back and forth and sleepless for nothing.
Weight 111lbs, yeah that's correct-gain!
This is not happening, how can eating make you lose, that sounds like crazy talk.
I've been drinking water all night long and pissing it out so I'm not too dehydrated then.
 I've had the required 100 cals today, I ate a very small banana, potassium desperately needed, my head is pounding. I'm depleted.
I'm bloated and backed up I'm sure, literally full of shit.
I'm triggered and so tired, I wish I could sleep but I can't because my daughter is home and up so early. I have to be a mom now, the long weekend is stretched all the way until January. Having her home all the time now is going to be challenging. I have to come up with fun things to do and looks like trips to the library again..wish there were more kid friendly movies out, wouldn't mind sitting in a dark theater right now. Maybe today we'll do a Pixar movie Marathon-Wall E, A Bug's Life, Toy Story 1-3, and if there is time A Shark's Tale. Sounds fun right, the problem is that I would want to cook something to accompany that, like Spaghetti or bake something; there lies the temptation of binging..
I feel huge. I don't like this one bit. I don't think I'll make it today. I'm already opening cupboards and calculating what can I buy on a budget of a mere 10 dollars, I'm frugal trust me I can't stretch that little bill out for a serious b/p session if I wanted to. The Family Dollar has a grocery aisle for crying out loud.
Why is this so hard?
I'm going backwards now, instead of 19lbs now I'm back up to 21lbs to lose.
Lose, why can't I just lose all of this already?
I know restricting is better, safer-but dammit I don't want to gain all of this back. I don't want to go backwards, I refuse. I wanted to lose this week not gain. I don't want to start another year as a whale. I want out of this body.
What do I do?
I look at myself in the mirror and I can't see ribs or my waist anymore, my collarbone isn't sticking out as much, is this real or my mind playing tricks on me again? I don't trust what I see, and I don't trust anyone Else's perception, they could be lying to keep me fat, or just trying to humor me.
 I'm conflicted..
I feel like laxing again right now, but I know that won't help matters.
All I can do right now is just vent and maybe lay on the couch for a minute and calm down. I could either exercise for hours or exercise and head to the store for a binge weekend complete with more lax, plenty of lax.
I need to think about this..
I hate that I'm panicky over this gain, its now ruined my day, I'm in a fowl disposition. I'll isolate myself even further now until all of this weight is gone and more. I need to really focus and get rid of all of this. I keep messing up, I only have myself to blame.
Day 5-100 cals done.
Mia laughs at me and hold the door open, "Come in she says, we're always open.."
No thinspro today I'm afraid, Fatspro to remind me of what I will become if I don't get my act together..