Sunday, November 7, 2010


I am freezing!
It's like bloody winter in this house (actual temp 60-outside!) my air is off and I'm bundled up in layers of huge clothing that no longer fit me. I even have a scully on my head. I look like a crazy bag lady.

Its like looking into a mirror..
I can't seem to get warm.
I'm in bed and scared to move, the slightest sway can let a chill into the warm nest that I've made from the comforter.
Last night I laxed.
Well it kept me up till 5am. I was back and forth in the darkness, the cold from the bathroom, then the warmth of the bed. I feel sick.
My head is pounding, my throat is dry, my eyes are dry, I am depleted of any moisture whatsoever. I am sleepy and have the worst menstrual cramps ever, I feel like there is an imaginary donkey taking kicks to my stomach.
Despite all the bad that I feel, I know that I could muster energy right now to walk my bony behind to the bakery to buy hot bread for a binge.
Grr I hate this!
I am at 115lbs today, and like clockwork the self sabotage is here. I'm scared to leave the bed. Its not even noon yet. I'm so tired, I can't b/p.
What is it in me that wants to ruin this. Why can't I just close my eyes and sleep and forget the cravings, the nagging voice in me that tells me this will make me feel better, when it doesn't!
Its too early for this.
I should just jump on that treadmill and run, but I can't. My legs feel like anchors.
My husband is gone to work already, let's see, he's said maybe ten words to me max..
So now we're ignoring each other?
I have to make a call tomorrow and see if I can get insurance. I'm hoping Monday will mean possibilities.
I hope I can just be doped like the masses and feel nothing. I just want a pill to take away all the white noise, I just want a single thought at a time, one foot in front of the other. That's all.
I hate feeling these cravings. I hate that I will give into them because I just can't stop. I have no one telling me to stop. The echo and void are my confirmation.
I'm bingezilla.
I think I need to get out of bed. I feel sleepy but I know I'm going to be unable to fall back asleep, my daughter had strawberries and waffles this morning, she is UP!
No way that little squeaky voice in the background is going to let me get any kind of z's.
So here I go.
First I'm going to take something for this headache and cramps, maybe a Motrin 800, then I'll gobble up an OEP and hope some energy can come soon from that.
I'll start to clean and sip on some water and try to find something warm that fits and see if I can run a comb through this hair. I'll try my hardest to not cave. I can't believe I have to make time to watch TV, I have a DVR full of things I haven't even looked at. Tonight is the European Music Awards at 9pm on MTV2 I think, its scheduled to record too. Kings of Leon performing tonight yay!
I think I'll just blast their new Cd right now and hope it drowns the voices out on this chilly Sunday.

Wish me luck that I don't ruin 115 today.
I have to keep reminding myself of the bigger picture, I'm so close. There is nothing Mia can give me that will outdo that.
I can do this, or I will try my hardest to at least.


Cora said...

Good luck dear! I love your new background.

*Broken* said...

I sabotage myselg contanstly, it mades me hate me even more.
It must be really hard that you and your husband are ignoring each other, I wish I could say something useful.
Drink some tea or cofee for the cold, it usually helps me.
Take care