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Friday, November 5, 2010

Changes

                                                                                            Mood:Wired

Hmm..
This thing called coffee is growing on me.


I am running on two days of zero sleep, not to mention two days no food.
Weight 117lbs.
Well something good is coming out of this I guess. The coffee seems to me like a happy medium, it hypes me up and fills my stomach. Its growing on me, who knows may end up being part of dare I say Breakfast?
Of course had to add Cinnamon and Vanilla powder to it. Taste waaaay better now.
Its 66 degrees outside here in the sunshine state, and finally I can walk around bundled up and not get weird looks. I've been so cold lately. I don't know why I can't sleep, I can do four days of this, after that things start to get kooky.
Friday finally, my husband goes back to work, maybe I'll be able to rest without him around.
I went to see Paranormal Activity 2..
Well?
The first one scared the crap out of me, I definitely did not sleep that night for sure. This one not so much. At least I got a chance to distract myself for a few hours, something else to preoccupy my worrisome mind. Felt nice to zone out and look at the screen, not think about anything else but the plot line.
I know I said I didn't want therapy, but I seriously need to reconsider. I can't live this way. If I'm to function out there in the real world, well then I'm going to need my meds, and the only one who's gonna prescribe them is the shrink. I was wondering, what does one look for in a therapist?
How do go about finding the right one, someone who's going to really help you and not further complicate matters.
I have no idea where to start, do I go by reputation, or area of expertise?
I'm not going for the Ed, not yet anyways. I'd be doing this to treat the depression/possible bipolar and the anxiety of course. The Ed can wait for now. I'm sure if Eating Disorder comes out of my mouth than the other things will take a backseat. So I'll do it in reverse.
I have to get it together, everyday it just gets worse. I do want to have a life again, my daughter deserves one too.
I can't let someone or something continue to hinder that for me, I can't.
So I'm really going to have to sit down and draw out the plan for the following year, scary as it is. I'm going to have to start again alone. I can't keep worrying about hurting someone Else's feelings, mines matter too. I matter, I have to tell myself that, I have to find my self esteem again.
It feels so awkward now in my house, my husband can just go on like nothing ever happened. I can't, I feel like I want to cry all the time, I feel so sad. I feel for lack of a better word-brokenhearted. Yeah, that's what this feels like, even though its been forever since I've had someone break my heart, that's the feeling. I feel like that life I wanted has gone away from me. I wanted to work and have my own place, just be a good mom. Try to be like everyone else. I hope I'm able to do that. The sadness just feels like its too much sometimes, especially now.
I don't know how to explain it, I'm sure to someone who's never had actual depression the question would be what is there to be sad about?
If I knew then I wouldn't be feeling this way..
Later on today I'll try to really figure out what it is I want. My original plan of rolling over and giving up isn't possible. There are some out there who won't stand for that and they're ready to drag me kicking and screaming into Life whether I like it or not. So here we go.
Life as a single parent, and treatment too. On my own, accountable for my own mistakes and facing myself everyday and knowing that if I don't get it done no one else will do it for me.
I just pray that the Ed will not take too much energy away from me. Can't function if I can't walk. I guess I'll cross that bridge soon enough.
Here's hoping today will continue Mia free and another loss. I would love to be 115 by Monday, start shrinking that gap.
Speaking of shrinking, had bought a pair of size 2 pants from Old Navy, just to have a goal to reach, tried them on out of curiosity and they fit!
Guess the new oblique exercises are paying off. Some small victories today.




Enjoy Friday lovelies..

6 comments:

bonesarepure said...

depression is a fucking bitch ih ate it an di wish mine would go away but it wont at least wheni had m job i had to get out of bed now i just dont have to it sucks

now therapist wise u can have likea consolution wish them first b4 u commit to one u need to find one that u trust casue if u dont trust them or u think u can easily lie to them then it wont work

good luick finding one i tried to find one 3 months ago at a low time and no1 would help me unless i admitted myself into hopsital first so yeah gave up but best luck to u

*Broken* said...

I´m so glad to hear you´re getting treatment. It´s a huge step =)
I think you should try to find someone that connects with you, it´s the most important thing, I went to a lot of therapysts and just now found someone who I think gets me, so I´d say you look for that.
Have a great weekend

Lady Jay said...

I am so happy about your desicion sister..I am here to help u in any way you r my life!I love you so much and I hope u have a freash start in this New coming year!!YOU ROCK LULU

Bella said...

<3 You are beautiful.
Have such a lovely lovely weekend, you beautiful girl.
x

danae said...

is paranormal activity 2 better then the first? i hell wanna see it, the first freaked me out so bad. for awhile me and my girlfriends actually questioned whether it was live footage or not, we're ditzy like that though.

anyway i wish you good luck with everything.xx

lou said...

@danae I liked the first one better, the second one you kinds know what to expect.