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Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Attempt

                                                                                          Mood:Hopeful
Today I will try to do it differently.
Today I have to try because I'm tired you see and I can't keep doing this, something has to change for me.
So I'm going to trade one version of hell for another. I'm going to block the voices and all the triggers out and do my best to not open this mouth for anything or anyone if I have to.


"Gedankengift 2"
Katrin Ginster

For the next two days my husband will be off of work and always around, I can't b/p and so I won't try to find a way to do it either.
Yesterday I did, I was doing so well and then he left for a moment. I gave in to something I knew I could hold off  if I really, really wanted to..
In any case he came home at the wrong time. He knew I went to purge even though I faked a bath, and even though I did soak in the scolding hot tub afterwards and sob silently into my hands for my failure and because he hurt my feelings, because we don't know how to talk to each other anymore, because I'm a standoffish bitch who wanted nothing more than to go purge.
Afterwards he apologized and begged for forgiveness. He grabs me and gives me a probing, odd hug.
"My god you feel so skinny? I can feel your bones, do you know what your back looks like?" he pats down my legs and arms now, marveling at the size. He lifts my shirt and tries to see me clearly now. I'm under huge tents of what used to be formerly fitting clothing. I slap his hand away, I don't want to be seen or touched, how dare he. I maneuver out of the embrace.
I'm not skinny! I'm a huge, stupid, ugly whore and its never going to change!
He shakes his head at the mad things that come out of my mouth. I can see in his eyes that he wants to do something, anything but what?
All he can do is try to hug me, as If that's all that I needed. Maybe I do, but not from him. I don't want to be held or touched, or told one minute just how pretty I am, and the next minute scolded like I'm a child. I just want some quiet, why can't I find the quiet?
My husband is a trigger, an ache in the pit of my stomach sometimes. There are times when I say less that 50 words max to him in a whole day just to avoid any discomfort. Just so we can get along, because I can't seem to say anything right without it turning into an argument or me feeling like a huge guilty monster afterwards. He doesn't get it at all. No matter how many times I tell him the way I feel, he brushes it off and just wants his feelings to be acknowledged. I feel like I'm going crazy. Is this how it starts, someone constantly replacing your emotions with theirs?
He calls me a ghost, he says all I do is wander from room to room, quiet and eerie..
Maybe I am one, I certainly feel invisible.
There are pieces that have been scattered and taken away from me as it is. I have a huge hole in me that no amount of food or lack there of can fix. I don't know if I can be fixed at all.
The one thing I do know is that so far I have resisted the cravings. I have to.
I have a huge headache and no dizziness. The dizziness has taken a sabatical, it is no longer with me. The purging is easier again, that's bad. Means I can cause havoc, combined with feeling normal its deceptive, makes me think I'm okay when I know I'm far from it. It makes me think of the calm before the storm..
I will do everything in my power to not eat at all today.
Tomorrow too.
I have to get a grip again, I have to be able to stop, to say no. I need my control back, my willpower reaffirmed.
I can do this, I have no choice.
Weight 118lbs. Hope that doesn't last either.

2 comments:

A Will Is The Way said...

Dear You,
Get out of my head.

Or, rather, please don't... it's nice in this weird masochistic sadistic way to have someone who actually 'gets' it.

I feel that total earth-shattering calm-before-the-storm feeling all the time, now. It's so tempting, to take that final step, let the ground be ripped out from beneath us, to have our bodies slammed about like tiny little china dolls, easily broken, but we are made stronger for our control.

Damn it, to be in control again.

We can do it. I can't say I'm the greatest at keeping my word or sanity, but I'd love to try a fast or 'detox' here the next couple days with you, and anyone else who wants to join.

YOU are awesome. Thanks for following me, I'm honored. How long have you been married, how old are you, what's your favorite color? And anything else, anything at all, everything, actually, you don't mind sharing with a total stranger, because oftentimes, strangers are so much easier to relate to...

Sad, but true.

Much love,
A Will is the Way

lou said...

@ A will is the way, I would love to answer all of your questions..
You can add me on yahoo messenger
ladikaat69@yahoo.com
I'm always looking for a new friend.
Thanks you for following and your lovely comment