Fasting with turkeys

                                                                                     Mood:Calm
Day 4 of the Water Fast.
Woke up this morning with plenty to do. Today was easy, no cravings and no hunger. The water bottle never left my hand for a second. Mia was nowhere in sight and I couldn't be happier.
After taking my daughter to school it was off to Walmart with hubby. He has a sour puss on as we head out on the long drive there, he starts to complain that he needs coffee. He can't go a day without it. I don't blame him today though, after yesterday's awful headache I feel drained myself. I wouldn't mind a cup. I make a detour and we're off to my favorite coffee of choice.

My husband keeps insisting I eat something, he wanted to order me a breakfast sandwich, I kept refusing and just had a small black coffee. He didn't want to eat alone, I sorta felt bad for him and promised to cook a nice meal instead and eat later. He felt satisfied with my answer and dropped the breakfast invitation.

Now back on course and everyone is happy. He's had his breakfast and I've managed to avoid it all together. I'm awake and ready to do some shopping. I have to buy Turkey today, two of em. One for the dreaded day, the other for my daughter's school. They are having a Thanksgiving feast and they are in need of donations. So I'll be cooking Turkey for two straight days.

Driving around and I finally find a parking spot, its a bit out of the way but I don't mind walking. My husband hates parking far away. I remind him that exercise is essential and walking is good for you. He makes a face. Now in the very cold store we make our way to plan for a small Thanksgiving at home.

I tried my best to find a small Turkey but to no avail. So two 14lb birds it is.

All of my holiday dinner shopping is done. I'm not making much. My niece is coming over that day, I'm sure anything missing on the menu she'd love to contribute. Now we head out and order the birthday cake. I have to plan a party for 24 kids and one sweet kindergarten teacher. Hello Kitty is the theme, my daughter wants a chocolate cake with white frosting. Pink plates and cups are purchased and while we're wandering around the massive store I buy more water pills, Green Tea pills and even more Magnesium (I was out).

"Do you really need all of those pills?" hubby asks as we make our way to the Christmas section.

I assure him they are all harmless, and then change the subject. I point out a baby pink Christmas Tree that I would love to buy.

He's distracted.

"Pink?" he smiles and agrees.

So its settled then, Friday I get my pink X-Mas tree and money to go shopping for birthday presents. My husband is in a good mood today. We start discussing the separation. He feels as though this would be our last holiday together. He thinks the end is near. I assure him that just because we didn't work doesn't mean that he can't still be a part of my life. He's a good man, he is. Its just that I've grown apart from him. I've had a lot of terrible things happen to me in the year that we first separated. Things that only a therapist can hear and help me work through, things he knows but can't or won't acknowledge, if he did then that would mean he is to blame for it all. I do blame him. I'd like to forgive him, but I don't have it in me yet. Its been three years since and I still can't bring myself to let it go. I rather be apart and find closure than be together and miserable. He understands or says he does. He feels bad for my daughter and hopes that I'm making the right decision. He seems okay with it, but deep down inside I know he's not. I know him too well.

My life has to start, a new chapter of healing, growing, self discovery and maybe recovery....maybe.

Despite the serious talk, the good mood continues. At home I cook the promised meal, I decide to make a pork stew with veggies and rice. I love any meal that you can just throw in the slow cooker. My husband and daughter are in heaven. My daughter loves egg noodles. I'm suppose to eat now. My husband goes ahead and serves me an overflowing a plate of food. Its left to cool while they sit and eat. I start to tidy up the kitchen and stir my bowl of noodles around. Everyone is distracted and I slowly start emptying the soup back into the pot until I'm left with a convincing amount in the bowl. Everyone is full and happy and so am I. Didn't have to eat and purge it-safe!

Tomorrow will be another full day for me. I welcome anything at the moment that keeps me away from Mia. I feel incredibly positive that the rest of the week will go by without incident. Finally I feel like the control is coming back to me.

So this is the start of the week and its looking great from here till Sunday.