Monday, November 22, 2010



I'm suppose to go see my sister in law today and we are taking the kids to the park. My daughter is super excited and while I'm in the shower, she has dressed herself in clothes that do not match and she is even wearing her very own pair of Ugg Boots. My daughter looks both adorable and ridiculous all at the same time. I on the other hand am out of the tub and wrapped in the towel shaking my head in disbelief at all the extra work I have to do before I leave.
My husband is sound asleep and I don't know why but the mere sight of him is pissing me off.
Maybe its because I wanted to eat a banana this morning, the one thing I do allow myself to eat and this idiot has taken it upon himself to eat the last one. I was saving it to up my potassium since I've laxed the night before.
So we're dressed and I call my sister in law to let her know we are on our way, headed out on the long drive to see her.
She answers in a sleepy tone and I make a joke, she tells me that she will be waiting for me to arrive, then minutes later she calls me back to cancel. She wants to sleep in.
Hmm, she could have  told me this the night before and saved me the trouble. My daughter's face is the picture of disappointment. I hate it.
All she talked about from the night before was going to go see her cousins and all the fun they were going to have, she even packed a little bag with all her favorite toys to share. Now the Sunday has started off all wrong.
I'm triggered.
To cheer my daughter up I suggest we buy more Christmas decorations, she likes that idea. In reality we don't need any more, but that's all I can do for the moment. So we're off to the store and while I'm there, I rack up on things for a binge session, a big one!
When I get home it starts and it doesn't stop all day long.
People let you down, but Mia never will. She is always around and ready to help. Ready to take over and do what she does.
Sometimes I don't even want to bother with anyone just to avoid the let down all together.
In the afternoon I get a phone call from my husband, he used to call all the time from work back then to say hello and that he missed me, it used to be sweet.
Now when he calls I know its to say something else, like can you record the basketball game or to ask me something totally irrelevant and bothersome. Those lovey dovey days are over.
He calls me from work to let me know that maybe the insurance is not such a good idea right now.
The insurance that I am counting on, the insurance that I have been so hopeful for. The one thing that can save me from myself. No therapy, no medication. Depression and Eating disorder all day long? What did I ever do to be punished so much? I don't cheat, I'm a good mom, I'm even incredibly tidy to a fault. My only crime was that after I had my daughter I gained a lot of weight. Now that's in the past, what more have I done? I've had awful things done to me that I would like to share but can't. He knows because I'm a very honest person, he is one of the first people to know anything that pertains to me good or bad..
I may not love him anymore, but after more than a decade he is still the only person I have left in my life. The only one who's been both the cause and solution to most of my problems.
I'm really triggered now and pissed!
I go berserk on the phone and tell him that I don't want to speak to him again.
It so happens that I had to purge really bad right when he called, so I hang up on him and cut the ringer off. He continues to call and the answering machine picks up.
I go purge and continue to hurt myself all day long.
I'm exhausted and in my gym attire ready for a workout except I have no energy for one. I'm sad and miserable and the fight that is left in me is leaving. The will to get better is going away.
I feel like I don't want to care anymore. Why should I?
The house is a mess, there are dirty dishes in the sink, a lot of dirty dishes, been real busy today. The binges have been so epic, at one point it hurt to stand up and walk to the bathroom. It didn't stop me from doing it again and again. Each time I finished purging I could hear Mia's voice clear as a bell,
"Good girl, now that's how you do it."
The purges were becoming a problem before, I would second guess myself and wonder is it all out? now I'm sure of it. I'm getting better, faster, more efficient. Feels like the confidence and determination of letting Mia take over completely is going to be a possibility. The more I feel like giving up, the better and worse this gets.
I have to workout and still get everything ready for the next day, school is still in. I'm dreading doing anything. I have zero energy for anything except playing with Mia. The ritual somehow manages to come first lately and so the day speeds by. I always find time and energy for that if nothing else.
I so happen to go through my daughter's homework binder to make sure all is signed and correct, someone has overlooked the fact that she has a school project due tomorrow worth two grades.
Now I'm really upset, husband knew about this and forgot to mention it to me. My poor baby will be the only one with a bad grade or an incomplete?
She's too little to know failure already, to know that her parents hinder her opportunities. Its not fair.
I've already blown any money I've had today, where am I going to get school supplies at night on a weekend? How is this going to get done, I'm so tired, where can I drive to, can I even drive?
I start to cry and just think of ways I can salvage this. I can figure something out, I just need a minute. I don't care if I have to pluck leaves off trees and use the phone book as construction paper! It won't be a masterpiece but at least it will get done. I won't let her down.
I'm up and getting ready to go cut something from somewhere when my husband walks in from work towing a bag of food.
"Why are you crying? What's wrong?" concern in his tone, cooing almost as If I were an infant.
I can't believe he's asking this, you've managed to destroy my dreams and now you wonder why the collapse. I'm a person, this is my life, you can't just keep pulling the rug from under me.
I'm never going to get better, it will never be my turn to thrive.
I explain the school work crisis and mention that I'm tired. He apologizes for not telling me about the project and tells me that we can drive somewhere and buy school craft supplies. I go for it.
So the night is closing and I'm dead beat and still craving!
I go ahead and stay up to finish the project.
The assignment is called "Tom the Turkey." He doesn't want to be eaten for Thanksgiving so we must disguise him as anything else. My daughter decides that Tom should be a pizza delivery man to escape Thanksgiving. I think it turned out great, I cut out everything and she colored and glued it all on.

"Tom the Turkey Delivery Man."

Afterwards whatever energy I can spare is used to wash dishes, clean up and get Monday ready. I don't work out. I shower and go to bed.
What an awful Sunday.
Now its Monday morning (this post is late) and I am incredibly tired and sleepy. I drop my daughter off and my crush is looking for me, I can't even look at him right now, it makes me sad. I'm sure he's a great guy and he appears to like me, but I'm no good. I would only complicate that poor man's life, as with any other man. I'm not worth investing time in. My eyes are puffy from the night of purging and crying, I feel ugly and bloated.
He seems confused, I avoid eye contact and kiss my daughter goodbye. I make sure she's inside and I go home. I get bananas on my way home, maybe if I eat one I'll have energy and feel better.
So I eat one on the drive home. Then on my way inside I decide to have a protein shake, then guess what..
Eggs, bread and jam. A simple piece of fruit has turned into a binge. Now time to purge. Mia is here early.
Looks like today will continue on just like this. I'm depressed and defeated. I don't feel like smiling today. I have turkeys defrosting in the sink and I'm still tired, bags under my eyes and cold wrapped around me. My hands are pale and I can't stop shivering.
I wish I could never speak again, I feel as though my tone gives me away, the sadness will always be with me. All I wanted was to get better, I don't know if that may ever happen for me. Days go by and if nothing is done soon, then I will really give up. I will get worse you just wait and see.


Anonymous said...

I'm sorry. I'm sorry you feel this way, I'm sorry Mia's got her claws dug so deeply into you, I'm sorry that even though I'm a stranger just reading your blog, that I can't be there and give you the hug you deserve, and make everything okay. I wish I knew what to say or do to help you.

Elara said...

"Laxed" - how clever!

Try some cold calling to psychiatrists and ask if they accept sliding scale payments. My old therapist made that offer to me after I was kicked off my parents' insurance plan. You don't necessarily have to go through county health services but don't discount them, either. Keep the faith.