Wednesday, November 17, 2010


Day 5 and so far so good.
I woke up late and had to rush to get the morning started. I have an awful headache and feel a little nauseous.
Had temptation at my door literally..the mailman stuffed my box with ad coupons from Papa Johns (my crack) and McDonald's (cheaper crack).
Buy one get one free breakfast, not good, the colorful things I could do with that. I threw them all away. Mia wants back in..
I have to admit there is a nagging, the craving trying to overpower me. I talk myself out of it-hope I can do this.
Dropping my daughter off at school and I have an admirer. He's a very cute man who works there. I'm not sure what his job title is exactly because I see him everywhere in the school. His skin is tan like almonds and his short hair is dark auburn. I like his smile. He has an accent, the one that sounds like he is saying share when in reality the word is chair. He always stares at me when I pretend to look away. My favorite is when he wants to look at me and then stares at something in my direction just to get a glance. I think he's working up the nerve to talk to me soon. All of the other moms flirt with him constantly, they wear little outfits and don too much makeup for 8am, he chats with them momentarily. All of the students know his name, they smile and laugh with him, he is very friendly, a warm personality.
 So far from what I've seen there isn't one mom in particular who he fancies. He doesn't even pay the most blatant flirty ones any mind.
I stand out at my daughter's school. Most of the moms there all look alike with dark hair and similar clothing. They all gather in groups and talk amongst themselves, loud endless chatter about this and that, on and on they go. I on the other hand with my dark glasses, loud blonde hair (the new do is temporary) and pale skin sometimes attract attention. I also don't stand around and squawk in a circle, I mostly will make small talk if necessary and avoid eye contact. I avoid if I can.
In any event this very handsome man has noticed me. Now comes the dilema.
What to do if he talks to me?
I'm not exactly relationship material right now with me being married and all, and in the middle of trying to separate for the second time (hopefully final). A mom, an unemployed waif with an Ed. I have nothing to offer anyone. I can't even offer friendship.
As a favorite Kings of Leon song of mines would say,
"Time on me is wasted time..."
I won't lie to you and say that the desire for human contact is not there, of course it is. Its only natural for me to want to try again, to find love again, to get back out there. I just don't think now is the time for me to do so. I'm not there yet, to that point where I am confident enough. I'm not comfortable around men anymore. I'm also too distracted. Other more pressing matters come first Weightloss, Anorexia, Bulimia.
Can you imagine any date, where is the first place that you go-dinner.
If you pass it up you're dubbed as one of  "those girls."
 You can't just be someone who watches what they eat, who cares about the way they look. No, that's not the reality. Once you utter those words forget it, you've already made things weird. You could eat but then the inevidable purge will ensue and who wants that.

How do you incorporate someone into your life again, when the Ed takes up that space? Can you even anymore?
I'm just hoping that this person will just leave this as just glances and smiles, innocent flirting. I hope he doesn't actually try to talk to me. I wouldn't even know what to say.
I don't know if its the depression or the fast, or the fact that I'm craving, but today has been strange. I feel strange. Melancholy and triggered.
I feel like crying? I have already actually, its a rural thing that comes and goes.
Ugh I hate it. It makes me want to cave big time right now.
Is it because I'm lonely, not in the sense of utterly being alone, as I'm constantly accompanied by others, but in the sense that no one knows me, not even myself.
That I can't relate to another person on a normal level anymore without some mini drama always in the back of my mind. Is it that I feel unlovable and find that I'm okay with it. That I could go on without ever having a significant other. You hear the saying there's someone for everyone out there, but I don't think that's true.
What is the afterlife like, I think this is it..
There is no paradise, no place without suffering, no rest. My opinion, anyways. Its not a religious thing, its a hope thing. To be hopeful is dangerous, means you want something better, means you tear down some walls and become vunreable. Too many scars here, I don't need anymore.
Today is dismal and I feel the depression coming back in tiny incriments. It claws and digs until its seeped in. The mood swings will follow and I'll be a royal pain to be around. Who wants to be around someone who's up and down all the time?
I really don't feel strong at all today. I feel as though Mia may get the best of me after all. The day is not over yet, who knows, maybe there's a little fight left in me.

Ryohei Hase


Insane Jayne said...

lovin'your blog... im intrigued