Thursday, November 4, 2010

Here lies Lou, she was really skinny..

I can't sleep.
Something stinks in my house, the overpowering smell overtakes my senses and I can't stand it.
No one else smells it?
I think its me.
I think I smell, my empty insides are starting to rot. I think I'm rotting from the inside out that's why only I can smell it?
I'm a zombie, hence the insomnia.
Today was a bad day.
I told my husband I wanted out of our marriage. I haven't loved him in almost four years now, something like that I lose track of time lately, dates get fuzzy..
I think its time he let me go already, I want my freedom.
This was on the way home from school, in a quiet conversation between us. My husband who once abandoned his little family for almost a year to have an affair with a waitress decides to go mental. He starts to get loud and worse of all involve my daughter in the conversation, as if a five year old would understand the matter.
I've been telling this man for years that its over. He doesn't get it, he won't let me go. He won't let me leave or live.
I am in an abusive marriage, not physical, but mental. I get beat down in a different way my lovelies, in a much worse way I think, bruises and bones heal, but the mind does not.
We get home and he continues to bash me in front of my daughter, belittling me. He then grabs a bag and begins to throw random articles of clothing in there all the while telling my daughter that I am the reason for any unhappiness, I'm the reason why Daddy is leaving. I'm not a good person..
All my daughter understands is "Daddy's Leaving, I'll come back to see you in a few days."
My daughter begins to cry, a cry I've never seen before, unlike the scabbed knee, or the I'm scared of the dentist cry, or the I'm not getting my way kind of cry. No, these new tears were of desperation. Of god knows what kind of imagination a five year old can grasp when she hears her father is leaving her again.
It breaks my heart.
He is crying to now, we are arguing back and forth. I keep explaining to him all over again for the hundredth time why I no longer love him, why for as long as there is breath in this awful body of mines I will never forgive him-ever. I will take that to Hell with me.
We were suppose to split up again by the end of the year, or the beginning of the next, something like that was discussed. We were going to be "civil."
Instead he wants to jump ship ahead of time and leave me penniless and holding down the fort alone with a child and no gas in the car. He's being an irrational  jerk.
My mind starts to race and so does my heart, the right side of my back starts to throb immensely, I've never felt a pain like this before. I keep thinking ahead of what to do now, how can I survive the rest of the month?
There is a bar down the street, I was thinking now that I'm thinner they would hire me. I could work nights as a "Bar Maid," serving drinks to married and single desperate bar patrons. The bar owner would pay me for every overpriced beer the men buy for me. I should excel at that, the one thing I seem to be good at is holding men's attention momentarily, when they are done with me they can go back to their real lives. This time I would be getting paid, no more free entertainment. Everyone wins.
When I get even thinner, I can go ahead and just transition into stripper. By then I would be ripe for the picking, hardened by life experience.
My husband is shocked by my plans and begins to sob, he keeps asking me over and over "What do you want?"
I want to be away from you, if I stay with you I will kill myself, just to get away!
He doesn't even flinch.
"You just want to fuck someone else, you just want to be with someone else. We can stay together and you can do whatever you want." he begins to spew nonsense, he's reaching now.
I don't want to be with anyone else. I would die happy if another man never looked at me again. I'm not looking for love, its not real.
All men are full of shit. They all use you for something. I'm done with men.
You have their attention one day, and then you don't. I haven't met one yet to prove me wrong. They are capable of nasty evil things, they have the power to rob your innocence and violate you. They are manipulative and deceptive. They steal your time and youth.
No, a man I never want again.
I want to be on my own, I want to just try to be a woman again. Try to find myself and get better.
Why should I be in a marriage that holds nothing for me? Why do you want to be with a woman who doesn't love you, you could do better..
I don't love you and no amount of pleading will ever change that.
"Stop saying stuff like that, you don't know what you're saying!" he keeps repeating at me.
I don't know what I'm saying! My fucking God, if I hear that one more time from him, just one more..
As if what I just said was a ridiculous statement, like its snowing outside, or this is the year 1952 and the nuclear holocaust is about to rain down on us, quickly let's barricade ourselves inside the bomb shelter!
What I say has no merit. He says I'm crazy.
At my lowest point, no let me rephrase that, I won't tell you my lowest point. I can't, its private and painful.
Once I was so down, I let the voices overtake me. I listened to them, I was homeless and living in a motel (courtesy of the first separation, long story)
with my two year old, and feeling like a failure, the worse had happened to me and I was utterly depressed. In my brother's kitchen I wanted to do what the voices asked, I was going to plunge a serrated bread knife into my neck.
Prior to the incident I spoke to my brother in his living room, it was more like instructions on what to do in case I was no longer here. I figured if the knife didn't get me, I'd survive and be put away someplace finally like I deserve. In any event the suicidal moment passed and my brother cut me off from that odd conversation and I was made to see the bright side. I haven't ever felt like that again, until now. Until that very moment when my husband told me to "stop saying that."
He will never let me go. This will never end. I look at my daughter who is in tears and clutching on to my husband so he won't leave and I decide to kill myself for real this time.
I say this because he has threatened to take my daughter from me. I can't have that happen. Now the ball is in his court.
I tell him that I will stay with him. I will give up any chance of happiness for my daughter's sake. She will be the happy one for us both. I'm done.
As long as we are together I will be unhappy.
He's overjoyed and thinks in his warped mind that he can fix us and make it all up to me.
I cry and feel dizzy as I get up. My back is throbbing, it feels like a cramp? the vertigo comes and everything goes real quiet and black. I pass out.
It was a quick fainting spell, I was overwhelmed. I'm alive. My right side of my body hurts real bad now, I think I bruised the side of my ribs.
So yes, he will have his way.
He wants me, he can have the empty shell. I choose to not go to therapy, I choose to never recover from my Ed. I choose to die, slowly.
He can watch me dry up until there is nothing but rotting organs and weak brittle bones. I have no fight left in me. I give up for real now.
I have not eaten at all today, I embrace the Ed fully now, it can have me. I don't deserve food, I don't deserve anything. I have no backbone, that got crushed under someones boot heel once. I am vapor
I don't think I will sleep at all today.
Tomorrow I will just continue as he does, like yesterday never happened.
I vow to never eat again. I feel free in a way.
The fight is gone, now its acceptance.
I wonder if this is how a dying patient feels after they've truly accepted the terminal diagnosis and have made their arrangements. They have accepted there fate and decide to just be for the remainder of their time here. Life will go on after you are gone, the ones around you will be okay again.
Judge me if you want, call me weak and pathetic, say I'm a coward..
There is nothing anyone can call me that I haven't said to myself already on a daily basis. I am unscathed.
5am, I'll go shower after this and make coffee.
I'm ready for Ana now. I'm ready for this new torture to begin. I'm done with Mia, she can go away and never come back. Now there is no more goal weight. I don't know what that word means?
I will become one of those broken people you run into and wonder what kinda number was done to you?
Yes that will be me. The woman with the nice car and pretty home, the nice clothes and all that material nonsense people think it takes to make them happy. Inside nothing.
He thinks that is happiness, he wants envy from others, he needs validation. I am the trophy wife.
I will be, the Urn my ashes will inhabit will fit nicely on his shelf.
The inscription will read:
Here lies Lou, she died of heart failure, and she was really skinny.


v. said...

i read the entire post and the only words i can think to say are "this was heart breaking." absolutely heart breaking, heart shattering, heart crushing, heart wrenching.
i'm sorry, i don't know what else to say. but i like your planned urn inscription....
x xx, v

lady jay said...

I wish I was there to help u sister!I Love u and need u so much!!