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Thursday, November 4, 2010

Pressure

                                                                                        Mood:Awake
I did not sleep at all last night, I tried, but it just would not come. I had too much on my mind. It was an awful afternoon. The insomnia is back. I didn't eat at all yesterday or today for that matter. I guess that's a good thing.
I went to soak in the hot bath at 5am after cleaning my entire house. I exercised and even managed to clean the refrigerator out. The insomnia had me doing all sorts of odd things to pass the time.
I put a pot of coffee on to help keep me going. That's all I've had in addition to supps and an OEP.


Running on no food and sleep feels good to me.
I'm not even hungry and as it happens, today is grocery day. I walked around the huge store with a shopping list in  hand and got everything I needed that was actually written on there. I bought absolutely nothing to binge on. Usually the things to binge on are not on the list and of course eat up the food bill, not today though. I even had money left over, so little groceries I did. That will come in handy for Thanksgiving when I have to buy the turkey and all the trimmings for the big day.  Its also my daughter's birthday this month. I need to get her a cake and party supplies for her classroom so she can celebrate with her teacher and little friends. The big store made me kinda sad, all of the Christmas decorations were out on display already. I don't know what is it about X-Mas in particular that makes me so depressed? Maybe its because I haven't celebrated a good holiday in a long time. There are no happy memories I can conjure up at all. Christmas makes me think of love and charity, good tidings and family. I feel like I don't have any of that. To me its just another day to be marked off the calender. I don't even put up a tree anymore..
I'm still 118lbs today, I don't know if that will go down or not. I'm not getting my hopes up.
Its rainy here and a little bit chilly outside, or at least it feels chilly to me. I'm so dam cold lately its ridiculous. I feel a little dizzy but I can still walk.
Tomorrow is Pajama Day at my daughter's school. She thinks its so silly she can't stop giggling about it, the idea of wearing pajamas in the daytime and at school no less is hilarious to her.
To be so innocent, to not really know the horrors we face and go through on a daily basis, the things we have to put up with.
My sister wants me to leave my husband. I can understand why, I do. I'm not that strong. Strong is something that will not just come to me suddenly, it won't happen overnight. I need to find it again.
I need therapy.
I need a clear head and I just don't have that right now. I'm just too sad and depressed to care. I have a thick, cloudy film over my eyes.
I can't stand the sight of my husband. I wish he would just go away.
What I wouldn't give to just feel normal like everyone else..
Everyone wants you to feel better and do the right thing, but when you're in the Doldrums that's not easy is it.
My sister says she will have an Intervention if I don't leave him. He's a huge trigger and he enables me.
I'm obviously in an unhealthy situation, I don't know why its so hard to get out.
I guess because its been embedded in my head for so many years that I can't move an inch without him always there. He won't let me breathe air, so I've grown gills.
Going ashore and getting my land legs again is going to take time for me.
Tomorrow is the last day to do something before she steps in.
She doesn't want to stand idly by and watch me die.
He goes back to work too so I'll finally be able to talk on the phone openly without having to worry about what he might hear. He's always eavesdropping and spying sometimes, I feel like I'm up to no good?
I have no privacy, I feel like a child at times instead of a woman.
If all of this is to change, then contingency plans have to be made, nothing can be done on a whim, that's not how things work.
A list has to be made and really see what the damage will be like when he's gone for good.
I'll be a single parent again. It wasn't easy the first time.
I guess I'm worried what he might do, I know he has the capacity if pushed to bite back. I fear he might really try to take my daughter from me. Use anything that ails me against me.
There is a lot to factor in. Breaking up is never easy, its messy and sad, and scary. When there are children involved its especially not as simple. You have to consider their feelings too. How is this going to affect them in the long run. Things have to be explained to them, they are aware believe me.
Nothing is as simple as it seems.
I feel like a ton of pressure is on me, and I can't hold it up.
When did it all go sour?
At least there was no b/p yesterday or today. That's a good thing. I want to keep that up. If I really apply myself I think I can do it. Its been a long, long day.
I hope I sleep tonight, I can't imagine what else is there to do here when the rest of the city is asleep. I hope to not find out.

3 comments:

lady jay said...

It's not going to be easy and It's easier said then done...He is mentally breakin you down he wants u to feel like you have no one on your side and dats not true!!You have us!With your determination and will u can over come this dark cloud that is cast upon you!!I am here for you..I love you and I want you tostick around and keep that promise you made to me many years ago.the one wher u r going to buy a big house and me and you r going to live there wit a whole lot of cats until we get old!!I love you sister!!

*Broken* said...

Of course it´s easier said than done. But for what I read I think he is really bad for you and that at the same time is bad for your kid.
You have to find the strenth to do what´s best for you and your kid.
Kisses hon

EmptyShell said...

" He won't let me breathe air, so I've grown gills."

"He goes back to work too so I'll finally be able to talk on the phone openly without having to worry about what he might hear. He's always eavesdropping and spying sometimes, I feel like I'm up to no good?
I have no privacy, I feel like a child at times instead of a woman.
If all of this is to change, then contingency plans have to be made, nothing can be done on a whim, that's not how things work.
A list has to be made and really see what the damage will be like when he's gone for good. "

Fucking eh. I get this so much right now. I hope it works out for you as I read further, if only so I can have hope for myself.