Thursday, November 18, 2010

Mia's Back

Well, the fast is over.
I couldn't keep it together yesterday and the urge was too much. Caved, and let Mia back into my life.
I even broke my scale, I have a glass one, and after yesterday's binge I didn't like the number that projected on the screen, I got pissed and slammed it against the floor. The glass cracked and shards went everywhere.
The mood swings have started.
Now I have to buy another scale tomorrow, great. I was really sad yesterday and I couldn't shake it off. My husband took notice and didn't know whether to say something or not.
"Is there something wrong? You look frustrated."
He hands me the cold bottle of water. I stare at it in disgust.
I tell him that I really would just like to throw up, that if I did, I would feel 100% better.
I ask him if he would mind.
He laughs at first as if what I just said was a joke, I'm dead serious. He reluctantly says yes.
"I don't mind, but just this one time okay."
He scrutinizes my face.
Relief, I go ahead and fix myself a plate of food and start to binge. I take my time and eat. My husband is watching a movie and we're talking like nothing, like its the most natural thing in the world. Like normal people do at the dinner table. When I'm done I excuse myself and go purge quietly in the bathroom. The purge is not a problem, I was comfortable and felt safe even, knowing he was out there in case something went wrong was very reassuring. I took my time and got it all out. I didn't even get any looks when I was done. We continued our conversation about the movie.
My husband has opened Pandora's Box.
This could be bad, now that I know it doesn't bother him, I can actually go ahead and do this more often. Looks like Thanksgiving purging could be a possibility if I cave that day. I think he wants me to be happy, and always giving me my way is the only way he knows how. It won't make me happy, but it did make me feel better yesterday, I got it out of my system and the rest of the day went without incident. Today I went ahead and held out as long as I could but in the end I've went ahead and went at 2x now. I think I'm done, my vision is blurry and my voice is really hoarse. My daughter has her birthday party tomorrow at school, I have to go in the morning and set up the classroom with her teacher, I hope my voice clears up by then. A Hello Kitty cake and pink and yellow decorations must go up. I have juiceboxes to freeze and goody bags to fill. I've bought concealer for my knuckles, I'll go ahead and dress up even, play the part and look like a happy, healthy, normal mom. My husband is tagging along I think, this should be interesting, my admirer who works at the school should be around. I wonder how that will play out. My husband actually talks to him and knows his name. My admirer usually takes this time to hang around me during the time when he sees my husband is around. I think he feels like its a good time to be in close proximity of me without a problem. He opens doors for me and smiles at me a lot. I don't know if he enjoys the blatant flirting or if he's just trying to understand us. I don't wear a wedding ring anymore, neither does my husband. We don't act like a couple, the only thing that ties us together is our daughter. People just think he's my baby daddy, you wouldn't know we were married unless you asked us, and I always say we're separated.
In any case, I'm sure there will be two men on either side flanking me and I'll be awkwardly in the middle trying to act normal.
I have to finish shopping tomorrow, I have a Christmas Tree to buy and some thigh high boots I've been eyeing. I think tomorrow I'll be so busy the b/p won't happen. I can't wait to buy a new scale, I feel naked without one in the house. I feel frustrated because I'm maintaining. I know it could be worse, I could be gaining, so maybe I shouldn't complain too much. I need to take it easy, afterall stress doesn't help at all when you're trying to lose.
115lbs is not a bad number, yes its not my goal, and I feel as though I've squandered the month away, but considering how much I've lost, I'm grateful.
No more bitching about weight. I will lose it, it just won't be overnight. In the meantime I'll continue my struggle against Mia and one day I will be finally rid of her.


Cora said...

It seems slightly strange gnat your husband doesn't mind the purging, but it could potentially be helpful. Especially the day of thanksgiving, like you said. I hope you have fun during your daughter's birthday=]


*Broken* said...

It´s very strange that your husband doesn´t mind the purging...don´t take it as a green light to purge sweetie.
You´ll lose the weight,you´ve lost a looot of pounds so it´s natural that it´s harder now but you´ll get there.
Have fun tomorrow!

Claudia Maigrir said...

I'm so jealous. I wish my boyfriend didn't give a damn. He acts like it's the end of the world.

Avani said...

mega jealous. At least now you can survive the holidays. (don't forget christmas dinner and candies)