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Tuesday, November 30, 2010

No Money, but plenty of Models..

                                                                                       Mood:Dizzy
Weight 111lbs today.
I'm happy, on the other hand looks like my monthly bloody sentence is here grr! Here comes the bloating and water retention.
I'm so irritable and pissed.
My husband is off today and I'm super triggered. My god do I wanna b/p big time right now!
I thought I would be heading to the Vitamin Shoppe to get my Kelp tablets, but apparently there is no money until Friday or so my husband says..
I hate that I have to depend on him for any kind of financial support. I can't even drive my car anywhere because there's no gas in it..He drives it everywhere and only puts enough gas so I can drive my daughter to school that day. Talk about controlling!
I have only 12 dollars to my name, I could either hold onto it for dear life emergencies, or just say fuck it and binge away.
I'll hold onto it, money so rarely graces my hands.
My husband is sick today, he has a bad cold, my daughter is feeling much better. As it seems she's now transferred all the germs to him.
He is so dramatic sick, its like everything has to stop just because he has the sniffles. Even talking to him is triggering, you ask him something and he makes this mad face like he can't be bothered. Last night he felt good enough to down a bottle of brandy though. Wonder how much that costs.
 I've worked out already, 800 cals burned in an hour, have only eaten a banana today at 5am when I first awoke, took my supps too. Crunches galore, my shoulder blades and spine hurt from the floor. I hope they don't bruise too much.
The dizziness is back with a vengeance, had to hold onto the counter today at some point everything went really dark fast, I hate that feeling it scares me. Luckily it went away a short while later. I'm drinking water and hating it. I'm getting those feelings again where I just don't want to care about anything. I feel like I just want to keep punishing myself. I'm in such a bad mood all of the time, I can't remember what being happy feels like. What does a good day consist of?
I dropped my daughter off at school, and on the drive back home I felt so empty, there seemed to be no point to this life I'm leading. I thought to myself, what if I just kept driving and never came back. Where would I end up?
I don't know what I'm saying, I just feel trapped and hopeless right now.
I feel like an appliance, I get used for a while, then I'm unplugged and put away momentarily.
111 lbs and getting smaller, I think I will finally be able to disappear. I'm looking forward to it, now my outsides will match my insides, small, shrunken and yearning. Misshapen, brittle and ugly. That's me.
Everyone will really see how sad I am, you won't be able to just brush it off or look away anymore.
Goal Weight, who are am I kidding here?
I can't even recognize the reflection in the mirror anymore, I keep getting uglier and bonier. The compliments will stop soon and then will come the "concern." The oh my god, how did this happen? How much more do you wanna lose?..etc
I don't wanna lose, I want to win. If that's an explanation, I want to win back what I've lost, I want this empty feeling inside me gone. I want to just be normal. There's something missing and I don't know what it is or where it went, all I know is that in its place is this awful ritual. This isolation and insanity. This depression and anxiety, a smidgen of OCD for good measure.
With the way I'm feeling, I'll just keep going and going. Skinnier and skinnier. 95, 90, 85, 80..
 Maybe that's my lot in this life to just drift like a sea anemone in the current..
Its now the afternoon and my daughter is home.
Red is her color today, she's talking too much in class again. I have to deal with it, because husband is sick (that's the excuse). I'm helping her with her homework and my chest is stinging, I feel so sleepy, I really have no energy today and now I'm feeling miserable. I don't complain, I just endure. This feels like a very long day, and tomorrow looks no better.

Today is the Victoria Secret Fashion show, Thinspro in the flesh!







I'm recording it. I can't watch it tonight because I think my husband has a game on later?
Maybe I can actually be able to watch it on the day when he goes back to work finally and I'll be alone.
My personal favorite Model is featured tonight, Lily Aldridge. She's my Thinspro. She has such great hair and a tiny waist!














2 comments:

Smallasapanda said...

I know how you feel with the time of the month! It's awful.
That model Lilly, is tiny! So beautiful.
My partner is a dramatic sick person, i can relate!

Ariadne said...

Amazing!
Great post!