Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Ed, Ana & Mia ☠


A binge is when you stuff anything down your throat as fast as you can just because you need something quick.
One bowl of cereal suddenly becomes the whole box itself.
A 2 litter of diet soda is gone in a matter of minutes.
You eat and eat and then eat some more. You open the cupboards looking for something, anything, you don't know what or even care. Anything to shovel in that hole underneath your nose. Things have no taste or texture, the water or juice or soda in between bites to soften, washes away all such things.
You find yourself eating things you don't even like or have a craving for. You run out of things to eat because the binges get bigger and bigger and go on and on all day everyday.
Your stomach distends and the skin stretches. It hurts to move. The pressure in your guts is unbearable. It hurts to stand and move about. Just when you think that's it I'm done, you just need one more bite..
Maybe a couple more bites. Its all coming back up anyways. The greed and gluttony go hand in hand.
A binge is when you eat things you don't even WANT, don't even LIKE, because you NEED to be terribly, hideously full so bad.
You eat stale bread, peanut butter by the spoonfuls, packets of splenda or ketchup. You eat because once it gets started you are unable to stop.
Then comes the guilt, the Omg I have to get this out of me because you have just consumed enough food for a small family, or the equivalent of a months groceries in one entire sitting. The thousands of calories alone is unspeakable.
You immediately go to the scale and weigh, your weight is up by 5 or 7lbs like nothing. The purge is next, sometimes its ready on its own, the pressure is too much and it immediately goes upwards and out. Other times your fingers manipulate the gag reflex you no longer have because you've been doing this for so long it takes a minute or so to get going. You keep opening the scabbed knuckles with your eroded teeth. You purge and weigh, purge and weigh. Finally it starts to go down, the scale is projecting the right numbers, you keep going until you hit that marker, the bright orange Cheetos you ate before you started the binge, the thing that lets you know when you're almost empty. You burn your throat and lips sometimes from all the stomach acid, the thing you know is eating at your teeth that hurt like hell most days. You drink water and go at it again just to make sure its all out, but still you're unsatisfied, so you go at it again until the bile is vomited out to, the bitter yellow puddle is the last thing you see. You're done.
Your eyes are red and your hands are sticky from the vile you've sicked on your hand. You wash your hands and splash water on your face. You don't even want to look at yourself sometimes, you're so disgusting. Your body trembles inside and you feel high suddenly and for a small instant you're happy because its all out. You weigh again because you're obsessed and you hope it went down even if just by one pound, and it doesn't or it does in some cases, but you're never happy, you're never satisfied.
The meal is flushed away and the cursed throne is clean. The chemicals in your brain are scrambled and you feel lightheaded, dizzy and your mouth is minty fresh from the mouthwash you've just gargled. You feel free and empty and clean. A fresh slate wiped clean.
Then as if all that wasn't tiring enough, you do it again, and again and one more time. You don't know how to stop, and maybe there are days when you don't want to.
No matter how much weight is lost, the happiness you keep expecting never comes. With each pound dropped, the hate you have for yourself grows.
You feel uglier everyday, no matter how nice your clothes, or makeup donned on, no matter how many compliments you get. Nothing is helping, and so you tell yourself, lose more. Something in you switches off and safety and healthy are just distant words. You don't care if laxatives work or not, even though deep down you know they don't. You take water pills and diet pills and you starve and allow yourself only 100 calories a day. You don't drink water, rather sip it because you've drilled it in your head that water makes you fat. You don't touch greasy foods anymore because you think the oil from the chicken will saturate and seep into your skin and cause a gain. You start to wonder how many calories are in the toothpaste or the mouthwash? Is that making you gain.
You exercise constantly and are always fidgeting, you take ice cold showers because that burns calories too. Loss, loss, lose.
The only thing you lose is your mind, your willpower, yourself.
You're a statistic, a college kids mid term paper.
The thinner you get, the weaker you are. Your brain and heart shrinks and your organs start to fail. You look pale and the bones mark you like gravestones.
And still you continue..
Is it ever going to stop?
How can you eat one thing without having to eat everything?
How does a good day feel anymore, when was the last time you truly had one?
The box you live in will get smaller, eventually it will be so small only you may fit in it. Dirt will cover you and six feet of cold darkness will enclose you.
Into the ground you will go and days, weeks and so forth will pass by until no one visits you or even can remember what you look like, let alone the day you died.
Life is here and then its not. Its scary to truly see what you are doing with it.

This is my everyday that I go through all by myself. My secret still to those who don't know yet, my daily reality for those who do. You can turn a blind eye or you can continue to enable me, or you can just ignore me all together. Either way I will always be here in the Styx, in the struggle. There are some days I want to stop and live, and there are most days when I don't care enough about myself to stop. I think I'm wasted time, another pill in the bottle.
My weight today is 118lbs and this does not make me happy at all. It makes me mad, it makes me scared. I should weigh less by now. The more weight I lose, the unhappier and uglier I feel. Its backwards and wrong, and I don't know how to feel any different..


Anonymous said...

Oh darling.
You have to want it.
A different life, you need to want it.
Recovery is tricky, it's risky, it's so very fragile. You have to want it enough, to give everything you've ever known up. Every discomfort. Because gradually the discomfort grows smaller, and one day, that different life- you will suddenly realise you are living it.
And if you fall, then try again. Again and again.
Falling becomes exhausting... But you will make it there, one day.
You just have to want it enough, to try again and again.
<3 And we're here for you each and every step of the way. No matter which direction you choose.

*Broken* said...

That´s the exact descripcion of my last years...
I think you need to really want from the bottom of your heart to recover, inbetweens won´t do it.
I don´t want to scare you or tell you things you already know, but if you keep this up your heart will fail sweetie. Get help, try and try again, it´s a long road but it must be worth it and we´ll be all trying to help you though it.

Anonymous said...

alot of people would be able to relate to this
about enabling, we all enable each other really. but without this kind of support (let's call it support ;]) we'd feel so much more alone.
diggin' the new background btw :D

keep safe xx

lou said...

Thanks for the comments, and I hope the new background isn't too sweet lol
Yes we do support each other and I for one am happy for it. Going to try to get Mia under control.