Friday, November 26, 2010

Black Friday

Its the day after Thanksgiving and I couldn't be happier the holiday has come and gone.
Today is no better of course, I've been triggered and I feel depressed.
I woke up at 6am and started to do crunches in the dark, cold bedroom. The hard floor hurts my spine and bony shoulder blades. I still push on despite the pain. I eat a banana, upping my potassium before taking supps and water pills.
I jump in the shower to warm up this cold, dizzy body of mines.
The hot water helps, I sit on the white tub floor and take it all in. I scrub myself pink and I feel better.
I start to think about the long triggered day ahead of me and I sob silently into my hands. The same thing all over again, a loop I cannot escape from.
I shave my lean legs and notice new bruises, purple round ones, and fading yellow, up and down my thighs and calves. They don't hurt, they are just there.
I wash my hair, its starting to fall out again. I lather and stare at the blonde strands in between my fingers. Its all the processing and of course the Ed. Looks like I might have short hair for good, whether I like it or not. I should care that its falling out again, but I don't. I have no one to impress, least of all myself. I won't let another person get close to me again anyways so it really should not matter. Once my husband is officially out of my life, my walls will go up and I won't trust anyone again. Its better this way, I don't think there's much of me left to offer anyways, best to stay away from this old lemon.
Out of the shower now and I have to pull it together, today is no ordinary day.
November 26, at exactly 10:44 pm, my daughter was born,
4lbs 4 ounces, my little preemie. I used to think I could never have kids before, I never tried, but I never used any method of protection to prevent otherwise. At one point I actually thought my body was too polluted and abused. Years of partying and not caring about the future.
Yet here we are 6yrs later, I'm some body's mother...
The birthday party at her school was in part for her to be able to celebrate with her friends, every time her birthday rolls around, school is no longer in session and she misses out. Not this year.
Now here we are on the actual date of her birth and its nice.
I made her a cake yesterday, a white, polka dot cake infused with cinnamon.

There wasn't much leftover today with all the b/p on my part. I can't even recall how many times I went at it yesterday. Yesterday was awful and the ritual didn't feel right. I had my husband here, and although from the morning I warned him that I didn't want any hassles on account of me doing all the cooking, he still managed to get slick.
After the first purging session, which felt rushed and loud, I came out of the bathroom ready for cake and ice cream.
"What's wrong with your eyes?" he asks bluntly, while I look away and proceed to grab a plate for cake.
Nothing is wrong with my eyes, please leave me alone.
He's referring to the puffiness and redness. My eyes were swollen, I looked like I went at it in the ring with Mike Tyson. My whole face was flushed actually. I purged really hard, I had to, I ate so much at just one sitting, my weight went from 115-122!

I had a lot to purge out of my system and I refused to stop until I knew it was all gone.
Then at another moment, I can't recall what number purge was that, I'm sure it was maybe number 4 or 5, he actually muted the television-yikes!
I can't work under these conditions.
I wasn't very cheerful the rest of the night, you stay with the craving and are unable to keep on. Plus my energy was draining after each trip.
Finally I just gave up and showered again and went to bed, tired and fed up.
I'm out of the shower and I dress. I'm really cold today.
My daughter is now up and walks sleepily by me to the bathroom to pee.
I grab her, hug and kiss her, I tell her Happy Birthday!
She smiles in embarrassment and tells me she wants to go to the park today. She starts to cough. I think she's getting sick.
Its still early, way too early for a now 6yr old to be gallivanting around the house, even the cats are asleep, its so early.
I go ahead and get the Vick's, the cough medicine and fill up the vaporizer, after she brushes her teeth, its time for home remedies. She makes a face but downs the grape syrup.
She lies back in bed quietly for another twenty minutes. I jump on the treadmill for an hour an a half in order to get some of the frustration I'm now feeling again.
My husband continues to sleep until 11am, and my daughter is now awake and eating oranges and apples for breakfast, she says she wants to save her appetite for cake and ice cream later. I may have to bake something else to make up for the bit of cake that's in the fridge. I take out leftovers and begin to heat up everything for the long session ahead.
My daughter is getting antsy now and so am I. She lies down next to my husband in bed and quietly starts to sing the Happy Birthday ♫ song to herself. This makes me sad. I wish I had more to give her, I wish I was a better mom. Instead I'm stuck and now so is she. We're enduring.
I start to get loud and noisy, interrupting his precious sleep. I drop hints and wake my husband up.
He's up and my daughter starts with the park idea again. He instantly senses my mood and heads to the bathroom while I dress my daughter and take her picture to put on FaceBook.
Once he's out I suggest the movies, he agrees.
"Do you want to come with us, get dressed I'll wait for you." he asks.
I tell him No. I want to be utterly alone.
He says he doesn't want an argument, so he'll go to the movies and the park.
"I'll be gone a few hours." he searches my face as if I would suddenly change my mind and come along.
That's fine, have fun and spoil her today!
I'm alone and couldn't be happier.
B/p 1x to start.
Afterwards I weigh on the scale and lookey here my lovelies 114!
Looks like giving into Mia completely all of these days has jump started my metabolism again..
I walk 12 blocks to my nearest Family Dollar to buy some sweets for another session and cupcake mix. I decide to have the cupcakes ready for her when she comes home. I won't touch these, these will be just for her.
So after I'm back home, I continue the ritual and bake too.

Pillsbury Funfetti Cupcakes!

I have the house to myself and I'm in a better mood today. I wish I had more days like this. I need time alone. I can function better this way.
My daughter gets home excited and exhausted.
She saw the movie Tangled (which I thought was called Rapunzel lol!)..
Cupcakes are ready and she's bouncing off the walls. My husband doesn't annoy me as much tonight. I've already b/p plenty, I'm done for today.
He's watching the Miami Heat basketball game and my daughter is bathed and about to go to bed, she's had a long day.
He works tomorrow, so I won't be bothered as much.
Black Friday may have been a nightmare for shoppers, but not for me.
Friday was a good day.


The Heavy Veggie said...

HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOUR DAUGHTER!! those cupcakes look delicious. i love funfetti.

i'm glad that you were both able to enjoy today.
i know i don't comment much, but i look forward to reading your blog everyday.
i think you are an awesome mom despite all of the bullshit you have to go through.

heavnlypi said...

hang in there <3
you are strong

Annie said...

awesome on the 114! you've done so great for yourself. im sorry its so difficult. when i started following you, you were my weight. i havent budged, but you've done so well. :)

i love how detailed your posts are. i really do. i dont comment a lot. but sometimes i dont know what to say. it makes me sad sometimes, your husband, and how sad things seem. i dont know. but i always read. i do. i always read your posts. i love them.

happy birthday to your daughter.

i know what you mean about being alone. im not alone often, that might be why its harder for me to lose weight. this week i lost almost 5 pounds, because my boyfriend is on a trip with his family.

you're doing great. :)

Lulu said...

@118, Annie and Heavenlypi thank you for the lovely comments and birthday wishes!
Today was a good day for me and I'm happy to be able to share.
Thank you for both following and reading.
Stay stong my girls!

HELP I'M POOR!! Follow this new installation of my life. Although, I will be back; here i...