Friday, November 12, 2010

Water water everywhere..

Yesterday was day 1 of the water fast.
When I first wanted to try this I thought it would be a cinch. I've sporadically gone days before without eating, I thought this would be much of the same.
Boy was I wrong!
Yesterday was hard, very hard, like Chinese Algebra hard. I couldn't understand why, but I guess it was because I wanted to fast as oppose to having no choice and going ahead with the starvation.
I woke up in the morning irritable and tired, the insomnia comes and goes during the week and Wednesday night was no exception. I hardly slept and I wanted to sleep. Thursday morning I was awoken by my daughter's voice in the darkness. 6am and she was already up and being a nuisance. I was cranky, every time I called her attention, my chest would throb hard and my body would tremble. I was already in a bad mood and the sun wasn't even up yet.
My husband is sound asleep and undisturbed by parenting at any hour. Why can he sleep in this morning and I can't? Why do I always have to do everything?
Finally after seeing there was no way this small noisy person was going back to bed, I stormed from under the covers and told her to go brush her teeth. I was up time to start the morning. I was in pain, dizzy and nauseous. I was mad and frustrated. I said something along the lines of "I'm drowning!' in a loud mean spirited tone directed to my husband. He stirred in bed, clearly having gotten the message.
I locked myself in the bathroom and cried. I pounded on my chest until the ghost pain subsided. I wished if something were about to happen than let it already. I hated feeling ill when there isn't cause to feel that way. I hate the anxiety and the confusion. Is there something wrong with me or is it all in my head. I'm being tortured by me of all people. Then there was the knowledge that today I could not indulge in b/p at all. I would not no matter what. Mia was becoming a problem. I'm not losing as quickly as before, my metabolism is slowed to a turtle's pace. I'm plateaued and yo yoing between 115-116. The number doesn't budge.
I felt overwhelmed and alone.
I splashed water on my face and the facade was back. I was mom again, no worries, none that I could share or show, none that anyone within five miles of me could relate to or understand. How lonely it is to have an Ed. How isolating to know you can't share, because no one gets it, because you yourself don't get it. You don't know why you hurt yourself, but you do.
Breakfast was done and the smell made me sick. My husband was up and trying to tend to my daughter while I walked around incredibly dizzy tidying up and sipping water. I lay face down on the unmade bed and closed my eyes while I heard my heart beat slower and slower. In my head I think, my heart is tired, the scotch tape that holds its broken casing needs to be redone. I'm tired, so tired of caring.
"Are you okay? Did you pass out?" my husband shakes my frail body softly and I didn't realize that I'd fallen asleep.
I've fallen asleep and I don't wanna get up-I'm extra dizzy for some reason, was my answer to him. I don't bother to open my eyes, they're too dry and itchy this morning. My husband rubs my back soothingly and talks softly to me.
I can feel the hardness of my protruding shoulder blades, and now my spine is visible if I bow my head down.
"Do you want me to go buy you some Gatorade or breakfast? What do you need to make you feel better?" I can feel the curiosity with his hands as he continues to feel my small back. He sees the new me, the smaller more aggressive woman. Half a person by weight standards.
I just want to finish reading my books today, they're due back tomorrow. I'm not hungry.
He says nothing.
I manage to get my energy back and make the beds and jump in the shower to officially wake up. It's going to be a long day I think as I lather my body and notice new bruises on my hips of all places, must be the oblique exercises.
When I'm done with the shower I open the door to find my husband and daughter getting dressed to leave. They are going to the park. I get to be alone.
That's always both good and bad.
So they're gone and I'm alone with water, books and an urge to purge.
I read one book in an entire sitting, It was the rest of Mackenzie Phillips Memoir "High on Arrival."
Very good read. The second was a book of poems by John Keats, because I adore him. He summons me into another time, a time I wish I could have again.


To Hope
 WHEN by my solitary hearth I sit,
When no fair dreams before my - mind’s eye - flit,
And the bare heath of life presents no bloom;
Sweet Hope, ethereal balm upon me shed,
And wave thy silver pinions o’er my head.

Whene’er I wander, at the fall of night,
Where woven boughs shut out the moon’s bright ray,
Should sad Despondency my musings fright,
And frown, to drive fair Cheerfulness away,
Peep with the moon-beams through the leafy roof,
And keep that fiend Despondence far aloof.

Should Disappointment, parent of Despair,
Strive for her son to seize my careless heart;
When, like a cloud, he sits upon the air,
Preparing on his spell-bound prey to dart:
Chase him away, sweet Hope, with visage bright,
And fright him as the morning frightens night!

Whene’er the fate of those I hold most dear
Tells to my fearful breast a tale of sorrow,
O bright-eyed Hope, my morbid fancy cheer;
Let me awhile thy sweetest comforts borrow:
Thy heaven-born radiance around me shed,
And wave thy silver pinions o’er my head!

Should e’er unhappy love my bosom pain,
From cruel parents, or relentless fair;
O let me think it is not quite in vain
To sigh out sonnets to the midnight air!
Sweet Hope, ethereal balm upon me shed,
And wave thy silver pinions o’er my head!

In the long vista of the years to roll,
Let me not see our country’s honour fade:
O let me see our land retain her soul,
Her pride, her freedom; and not freedom’s shade.
From thy bright eyes unusual brightness shed -
Beneath thy pinions canopy my head!

Let me not see the patriot’s high bequest,
Great Liberty! how great in plain attire!
With the base purple of a court oppress’d,
Bowing her head, and ready to expire:
But let me see thee stoop from heaven on wings
That fill the skies with silver glitterings!

And as, in sparkling majesty, a star
Gilds the bright summit of some gloomy cloud;
Brightening the half veil’d face of heaven afar:
So, when dark thoughts my boding spirit shroud,
Sweet Hope, celestial influence round me shed,
Waving thy silver pinions o’er my head.

February, 1815.
John Keats

My husband goes ahead and calls to tell me that he wants to go eat somewhere, I suggest he take my daughter and make a day out of it. He reluctantly agrees.
I in the meantime continue to drink water and stare at the clock wishing the hours away. My stomach grumbles and I feel antsy. I can't give in to anything. So I suffer the rest of the day, reading drinking water and then working out. I washed my daughter's uniforms for school, cleaned the house. Watched TV even. Anything to distract myself from Mia's cat calling. Finally my husband arrives home with my daughter and I know I'm safe with them around I won't cave, cant, mustn't..
Later on its night and I'm free of the brutally long day. I feel bloated and awake. I lay in the cold dark room with my Ipod on drifting into a calm with Portishead in the earphones. I'm safe for one day. Now its Friday and my daughter's at school, books are returned, errands are done. My husband goes back to work later on this afternoon. I'll be alone again. I'll be tested again.
Water. More water. Its not easy, I never imagined this.
The first three days are the hardest. I have no choice but to do this. The other alternative is a step backwards. So this is the start of day two, and it will also be long.


Dylphe said...

just remember the positive you'll be getting out of this. i haven't done the water fast but i did do the MC fast and afterwards even mentally i felt clearer.
stay strong

*Broken* said...

I´m sorry you had such a hard day.
The fasting gets much easier the remaning days. And it will certanly bust up your metabolism!
ED is a lonely lonely place, but we have each other.
Take care

Annie said...

you've done great for youre self, you've come along way. youre an inspiration to me. when i started following you we were the same weight. and here i stay and you lose. your doing great.