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Monday, November 8, 2010

Aware

                                                                                          Mood:Sore
I didn't get much sleep last night with the cold weather and the new pain in my left kidney eating at me all night.
My left kidney is throbbing, I have awful menstrual cramps and now my dry eyes are super blurry (with glasses on!).
I need to be able to function for today have a lot of important things to do.
I failed yesterday, walked to the bakery and bought two loaves of bread. I b/p 2x.
Worked out and even bought another lax although I didn't take it. I was so pissed at myself, seems like I can't just make a decision and stick to it. No that's not true, I made a decision, I just chose the wrong one. I didn't weigh myself yesterday, and you know what I'm not going to today either. I'm driving myself crazy and just putting added pressure on something that's impossible. Somethings gotta change for me, I have got to stop tearing myself down every time I make a mistake. How am I ever going to get back up if I'm my own worst enemy?
Today though my left kidney is really giving it to me. I hope its not an infection.
It hurts to sit, to walk, to move. I've put Icy Hot on it hoping to ease it up, we'll see how the day progresses.
63 degrees here in the sunshine state and I feel like I'm in Aspen I feel so cold.
I was debating having actual breakfast this morning as I woke up earlier than usual thanks to the time change. I eyed the oatmeal and then read the calorie bar in back, already discouraged myself and settled for a vegan protein shake (55cals) instead to drink along with my supps.
I feel like I want to try eating one meal a day even if it is pitiful in calories, but then I start to think that it might not be so easy. Things can spiral out of control real quick for me.
My problem is that I keep thinking there's plenty of time left when in fact time is against me. There's a deadline looming and another month down, twenty five pounds now that I need to drop to test myself.
I keep thinking that 90lbs will be enough for me and then I'll be happy and work on maintaining and that's it, Lou lives happily ever after.
The reality-I know that once I hit that number I may not stop, I'm already so intertwined in the sickness, its a part of me, it is me. To just stop and say maybe 80 (my UGW) seems possible, and then keep looking down that thinning road is very likely with me. I'm wondering what kind of shape I'll be in then.
So far two health scares and now a throbbing kidney are present, my teeth are next on the list. I'm pushing for insurance for therapy but also for a dentist, caps or veneers are part of my X-Mas list. Please Santa Claus all I want for Christmas is to keep my two front teeth!
Last night I was looking online and came across something related to Bulimia.
"Death by Gastric Rupture."
Its kinda graphic and it is scary. It reminds me of the way I binge, to that point where it hurts and then its such a rush to get rid of it immediately..
You think something like this would scare most people into stopping all together, but I'm not most people.
That could be me or anyone. Purging naked in your bathroom at home, yeah that's how it goes alright, I'm guilty of that. You purge and weigh, purge and weigh. Those pesky clothes get in the way, and you can't be bothered, you're on autopilot.


This girl died from neurogenic shock after a gastric rupture.

Gastric rupture is when you eat a huge amount of food during a binge and it bursts your gastro-intestinal tract.
Although rare, gastric ruptures are one of the scariest dangers in bulimia. They often end up killing the individual... and can be so unexpected.
What a way to be found, naked and swollen surrounded by your own filth. I pray I don't go out that way, no not like that.
There are so many things that can just stop your heart in a second. You never know when your last breath is coming.
Its hard to stop, but some days you really should. Today is not one of those days for me unfortunately. My husband is leaving to work soon and I will continue on in the awful ritual. My head hurts and I'm incredibly sleepy, yet somehow all that will go away after the first b/p.
I've eaten two bananas in addition to the protein shake, that puts my intake up at 255 cals so far. I guess I'll allow it, I'm going to need all I can since I'll be caving and failing big time today.
I get all achy just thinking about the purge, ugh my knee is gonna hurt later, and that scab on my hand is going to sting, its already purple and scarring over. Another battle wound for me to carry the rest of of my life.
My daughter should be home soon, she has no school on Thursday so I may lax Wednesday night, as for today, I'm not getting on that scale, I refuse.
Maybe if I start changing my mindset and start thinking more positive the weight will come off too. Things are about to change drastically for me now. My insurance should be kicking in soon, I'm hoping it won't take too long. I have to try to learn to function again as a single parent. Start to get back out there in the real world, get away from Mia for a few hours if I can hold a job down again. These are also goals, and they should come first also, not just the weight loss. Happiness can come like that too, I have to remind myself of that.
I'm aware of what I'm doing to myself, how I'm slowly breaking down, but it doesn't change the need. The cravings.
At what point in your life do you truly see it. I can't even tell if I'm losing, I don't see any change at all. This is what pushes me further into the Ed. The compulsion keeps driving me to lose more. Where are the results? I know I work out like crazy and I fast and puke and restrict, and still the scale and the number in my head never match up. I wonder if I will ever truly see what I look like? I'm tired of feeling disappointed.
I want to see, even if its through someone Else's eyes..
I want to be compared, point someone out and say her, or that one, you body shape is like that. I'll take it in and shake my head no. Impossible, I could never be so thin, I could never achieve that. My willpower is not that strong.
I'm hearing differently, I hear words like fragile and frail, thin and bony.
Those are just words to me, they have no real meaning in how I percieve myself.
Today is my last day binging, my husband will be off the next three days, so looks like an unintentional fast is on the horizon.
I hope we'll get along, being in the same room and hardly talking doesn't feel good. I just want everyone to get out of this okay.
I want us all to just start fresh and this time do it right. I hope its possible.




    

1 comments:

Bella said...

Your honesty is scary, and admirable.
I hope you can be well, soon.
x