Friday, January 28, 2011

Eat, drink and be Merry?

I decided to eat today.
This morning I had a small coffee and a chocolate muffin from the gas station.
This muffin was 360 calories.
I didn't purge it, I was really hungry and didn't feel so dizzy yet. The sugar rush stayed with me for a good hour, I talked so much today.
Shopping and browsing, not too much though, there was a time restraint on account of my daughter and school.
Money in my pocket today and that usually means I can binge on anything I want. I don't, instead I buy plenty of Powerade and drink it throughout the day.
I come home and tidy up some, now what do I do next?
I make more coffee and eat some crackers. I don't know how many calories and frankly I don't care. More water now and Gatorade too.
I keep this down. No Mia in sight and that's always a good day.
My body is fighting me today, I have a huge headache and the worst heartburn ever. Everything inside me is screaming, purge the foreign food!
I can't and won't.
I hate that my body is reacting this way, even my chest hurts now. I don't know if that's anxiety or actual strain?
My body doesn't care for my latest attempt at sustenance, it's being difficult and stubborn.
I know my weight is probably going to be up dramatically, I wouldn't be surprised if its a few lbs already. The truth is and I have to keep telling myself this, the scale lies. Food needs to be digested and distributed, impossible to think that its fat pure fat. No.
 I need to trust what I see in the mirror now that I'm thinking clear enough to actually see what I really look like. My body is still the same, I look no different. So what if I did even. 100, 103, 105 is there really a difference? No.
I look at my arms and I can see all of my veins. I can see the veins in my hands too. My rings that fit my fingers last month, today both fit my thumbs. My skin is tightening up in my legs, I see muscle and not much else.
I feel too thin today and I don't like it one bit. No amount of makeup can help me now. I'm not comfortable in this skin, I don't know how to enjoy this weight, how to live in this new frame. How do you do this?
How do you rock the emaciated look? I don't think that's possible.
I kept looking at women's bodies today all day, comparing one from the next. I can see how small I am compared to them all. I could not identify a single soul who was shaped body wise to me. I feel as though my body is stunted back into adolescence. I have no hips, a tiny waist and no other curves. This is not the body of an adult who's about to turn thirty in March.
I read somewhere once that your mind actually gets stunted at the age when the disorder starts. You stay in that mindset, disordered frozen thinking. I've spoken to some women with Ed's who have proven this true. They don't even realize it. Their behavior is odd, off kilter in most aspects. It feels like high school all the time. The competitiveness of an Ed never ceases to amaze me. Do we not all have tickers, countdowns to our goal?
Do we not celebrate our loses and secretly are happy when another fails or gains?
Is there really support or are we just all spectators?
I also wonder about the issue of recovery, what then, how do you still try to be "supportive" when there are triggers all around, when you're the only one who wants to get better and no one else does.. How are you not also triggered by someone Else's Ed?

You do get affected of course, but when you want to get better you're in it alone. No one else can go through that process except you. No amount of support will ever be enough unless you're ready to truly try to recover.
There are other ways to cope with feelings, and I know the way I'm going about everything is wrong.
Eating is a scary thing now but today I've managed to do it. Will I eat again tomorrow, I have no idea. I wonder if I'll ever enjoy food again?
When can I finally rest, when will this stop? I'm tired, feels hard being at this weight and the one before that and the one before that one and so on. Its just hard being me I think. Thinking the way I do.
Everything is so repetitive. Binge, purge, restrict, starve repeat. Days like this though where something just shuts the noise and I eat are the wild cards. I don't mind more days like this. Reminds me of days gone by.
So all in all despite the stomach pains and heartburn, nausea too, this day was okay. I don't know if I'm at 103 at this moment and it's okay. I'm not panicking or running to the lax or any other trick I know to drop sudden gain, I'll just trust that there's a reason why I'm calm. I was supposed to eat today and that's it. Can't run on empty all the time, wouldn't be standing if I was.
Can't surpass a plateau either with no food in you.
Besides I have a weight loss pattern and eating is part of it.
I've come pretty far and have lost so much already, I should ease up on myself some. Maybe try to enjoy this weight or learn how to somehow.
I have to stop losing weight at some point before I end up hospitalized. Too many little signs poking at me. I need to slow down.
Clothes shopping tomorrow. What comes after 0?
Hope I find something that fits.
Wish I had a bookstore that was closer. I saw these books recently and the library doesn't carry them at all.
Eat This, Not That!
I love food porn. They even have a book that's specifically food that's 350 calories. I wouldn't mind reading that one and seeing what I'd be working with to make the transition to eating again more bearable.

Add that to my wish list of books I want..
I'd love the whole collection really, that and the Betty Crocker cookbook or any cookbook for that matter. Cooking is soothing sometimes, especially baking. Maybe I'll bake something tomorrow?
Let me not get ahead of myself yet. I'm getting pretty tired which should be the opposite, I have food in me now, that should go towards energy.
I guess it just takes a lot of work to break all of it down.

I'm off to bed now I think.
 I'll fight the good fight again tomorrow.
Night to you all.


small said...

I'm glad you are eating. Your little bod needs sustenance.

I know it's hard. :hug:

Cora said...

Holy shit? Yay for not purging! You're pretty much right about the emaciated thing. There's no way to look good when you're too skinny. You don't really look anything but sick. As someone trying to get better whose surrounded by triggers constantly, I can tell you that it's really fucking difficult. Sometimes I act on triggers. I only recently started wanting to get better though. I'm not sure if it gets easier with time, but I've got a feeling it does. It would probably be easier if I did just leave this blog world until I'm better, but I'm in far too deep to do that. Plus, I've realized, once you say you want to get better, everyone is super supportive here. And trust me, we all need all the support we can get. I really hope you're able to learn to start loving yourself at this weight and stop losing. You're too beautiful to be a skeleton. And far too beautiful to end up in a hospital. I hope this doesn't sound too preachy or anything.


M. said...

I congratulate you on eating, I hope you continue. I think your right about ED's , in some cases, I have a friend group that supports eatting, who see my binge face and take food from me and watch me til so mia doesn't get me. then I have a secret life all of my own. Have you read this one book about a young British girls travel back to normality.I really good for recovery. When I was recovering last summer it was my encouragement to stay normal.It really gives you a view of what you look like to others you being the one the outside of and ED for once. One guy say woman encourage ED's so that they can feel better about themselves. But as Femme to me many woman I think are all too beautiful to be skeletons including your self. I'm sorry for any unsolicited advice.

wj89 said...

I just hope and wish for this streak to continue for you:)