Monday, January 10, 2011


Weight 106lbs.
Today I had a Parent/Teacher progress meeting at my daughter's school in the afternoon.

This morning I awoke at 6am and did lite exercises. It feels good to get back into a routine, I need that in order to feel calm.
The scale says 107 firm and I'm okay with that, looks like this goal is moving full speed ahead. I'm sort of worried also because although I'm getting closer to my goal, the satisfaction of it all is nowhere to be found.
When is the happiness going to kick in?
I go ahead and shower and get ready for the day. My skin is dry, of course its the Ed that's the culprit. No matter how many vitamins I take or new lotions I use nothing seems to remedy this. This new African Shea Butter though is incredible. I recommend it. It really saturates my skin and the moisture lasts all day long. Finally something that works. I like the subtle shine it leaves on my skin. Its not greasy at all and the smell is nice.

I'm dressed and so is my daughter, we head out to the school. My crush is there and swamped with Parents and School buses. I run into my daughter's old Pre-K teacher at the precise moment he and I make eye contact.
Dammit, she's a nice lady don't get me wrong, but its not her I'm wanting to talk to this morning. She and I conversed about our kids and then a little about the school and finally the upcoming field trip to Jungle Island next week.
Then the conversation gets awkward, she comments on my weight loss.
"You've lost so much weight so fast, what are you doing? Every time I see you now you look so different?" she smiles at me and her eyes gleam with too much curiosity, so much so that at first it makes me feel like this is an Inquisition instead of a comment.
I dread this question, how I hate lying.
I tell her that I workout a lot, and that I no longer eat sugar, I substitute with Splenda. No soda either, even if its diet. I explain how diet soda works, how the syrup stays in you only to be released much later on as sugar. I tell her about cutting back on meat and how I'd like to cut it out entirely on account of the bloating it does to your body. I tell her all the things you'd normally hear a health guru say in an infomercial. She nods her head and takes it all in. She looks disappointed. I don't mean to but as I stare at her, I begin to dissect her body, she is not fat, I mean she has a huge butt and thighs, a small waist and square hips. I see all her flaws and in my head begin to see what I would change and eliminate if I was her. I don't know why, but now I'm starting to do this with everyone. Its not a nice thing to do, but my mind is not a restful or easy place at times. Our chatter ends and she is gone back to her car, my crush is gone too, I can't see where he went. I'm tired and head back to my own little car where its warm.
Instead of going straight home I head to Walgreen's for bread and donuts.

There's no fight in me today, I failed that yesterday. I won't today. Today I wanted to b/p at least 2x.
I thought my husband would be off tomorrow, so I planned to take pics alone and then b/p after my meeting at the school. Instead I come to find out he doesn't have to work, so my plans went out the window. I head back to bed and sleep the news away. At my daughter's meeting and its all good news, she a great student, she keeps improving and the teacher loves her. My husband wants to celebrate and take my daughter out to eat. He tells her we're having Pizza, my daughter is so happy. Now I'm stuck in the car on the way to a buffet. I can't make a fuss, this day is not for me. My daughter comes first and so does this moment.
In the car I am having a panic attack. I turn the radio louder and tell my husband how I feel. I'm freaking out because I will have to eat pizza and can't purge. I could at the restaurant of course, but I don't like to do that unless absolutely necessary. I just get so paranoid, and I'm never sure if I've gotten it all out or not. So I avoid eating out in the street if I can. Makes putting off the b/p easier too.
"Just eat and then throw up at home." he says so simply.
I can't have all that food sit in me until we get home.
"You can wait awhile, its not like you're gonna eat and then run to the bathroom and vomit. Let some of those juices digest, have a little bit of nutrients in you." he pats his gut.
I can't have juices in me!
He laughs at me. I was actually serious, he thought I was being cute.
 He doesn't get the severity of it, how the utter thought of it in me will feel. I dig in the backseat and find a magazine and read. I try to calm down and keep thinking that when I get home, I'll get rid of it.

My husband and daughter get full fast, not me I can pack it away. I pace myself though because I'm not at home and if I feel too full, well what am I going to do?
The woman's bathroom is out of order. I am disgustingly full and feel greedy. I was contemplating puring some to make room for more.
The bathroom is out of order?
"Just go puke in the Men's Room" more suggestion from ol' ball and chain. He's a supportive one today, too much me thinks..
I'm pissed and ready to go.
We play a few games in the back arcade room and I fake a happy face. Finally its time to go. At home now and my husband leaves for an hour to the park with my daughter.
Oh FML!!!!!
It took the entire hour to purge that non sense out! I had to drink endless amounts of liquid, hop around in the bathroom, jiggle my bloated stomach, dam stop drop and roll!
Then what happens, I'm at 108 and I stop mid purge to go have not 1 but 6 cups of coffee and an Almond milk and Strawberry milkshake with the donuts from this morning. Great, now the weight is back up-more purging.
My husband calls to tell me he's on his way home. Why is it everytime I'm purging the dam phone decides to ring!
I tell him I'm not ready for him to come back yet. He gets it and hangs up.
Everything is out finally and I'm so mad. I feel like I've wasted the day. I still had other things I wanted to do today, but nightfall is here and that's it.
I wanted to take the body shots today, I'm curious as to see if there is a difference or not in my body. All the purging has brought me down to 106lbs.
I'll be at the 105 milestone and pics are due. Tomorrow I'll take em. I have to.
Its been a long day and I'm tired. I think I will quit pizza for awhile, grrr!
It taste great but oh man..
I get chills just thinking about it all over again.
Just say no!
Goodnight to you all. I need a shower, I smell like a pepperoni.


Anonymous said...

ohh this reminds me of times at sizzler. congrats on 106 lbs i'm insanely jealous. the happiness with come when you begin to let yourself get well, but you already know that :)

Dylphe said...

oh the phone ringing during a purge, especially if it's someone you feel obligated to answer for the particular person, is the worst.
at least you still got it out.
i'm sure the happiness will come when things outside the weight loss get better too.
stay strong