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Sunday, January 23, 2011

Lose It!

                                                                                             Mood:Tired
Last night I only had two cups of wine and called it quits. I was only tipsy. I spent the rest of the night on YouTube watching Vlogs about Ed recovery.
Some of it was triggering, most of it inspiring.
Its a struggle, the girls all tell the story of how the Ed came to be and what they did to overcome it.
PsychoTherapy of course, bouts of hospitalization for many;  wanting to get better and weight gain were the constant for them all. The road to recovery is not an easy one, nor is recovery a cure to an Ed, it's just something to work hard at and for. Once you've truly decided that the choices you're making are not the healthiest for you its really time to stop and get better, make different choices. I sometimes wish I didn't have full blown Bulimia, I do. The anorexic tendencies are there of course, but I'm a classic Bulimic all the way. I have all the criteria met.

DSM-IV Diagnostic Criteria for Bulimia Nervosa

A. Recurrent episodes of binge eating. An episode of binge eating is characterized by both of the following:
(1) Eating, in a discrete period of time (e.g., within any 2-hour period), an amount of food that is definitely larger than most people would eat during a similar period of time and under similar circumstances.
(2) A sense of lack of control over eating during the episode (e.g., a feeling that one cannot stop eating or control what or how much one is eating).
B. Recurrent inappropriate compensatory behavior in order to prevent weight gain, such as self-induced vomiting, misuse of laxatives, diuretics, enemas, or other medications; fasting, or excessive exercise.
C. The binge eating and inappropriate compensatory behaviors occur, on average, at least twice a week for three months.
D. Self-evaluation is unduly influenced by body shape and weight.

Bulimia nervosa also has two subtypes:

  • Purging type is characterized by regular use of self-induced vomiting or the misuse of laxatives, diuretics, or (rarely) enemas. This type is more common and associated with more problems, including histories of childhood sexual abuse
  • Non-purging type involves compensating for binge eating by excessive exercise or fasting, but not by purging
People with bulimia are on average within the normal range for their age and height. People with bulimia often binge and purge in secrecy, feeling disgusted and ashamed when they binge, yet relieved once they purge.

 I'm sure once my therapy starts I'll be properly diagnosed for all my disorders including the Ed. I'm scared to let a professional know about that, once that's out there sometimes its all they care to treat. Obligations and contracts are made and comply you must. On the other hand it feels good to get this out. I went for months in secrecy losing weight and no one knowing or suspecting a single thing. One day I just told someone, and then finally after my very first Ed related scare that lead me to a day in the hospital I came clean to my sister and husband. My oldest brother knows although he thinks I'm just dieting, and I've mentioned it to my second oldest brother (I have 4 brothers) too. I love all all my siblings, but this particular brother and I share a strange unspoken bond. He tried to commit suicide once and he left the note on my front door, I thought it was a joke and went to confront him about it. I found him hanging from an extension cord, cold and lifeless. He was okay thank god, unconscious from doing it wrong. I was never the same after that, I cried for two weeks straight. I was so sad for him, to be so alone and desperate that you would actually act on those feelings of death. I've been so close to that point but have never acted on it. Pray to God that I never will either.
Well after that he and I kinda have this odd symbiosis, he's even apologized to me for said incident and for putting me through that.
He knows I suffer from depression and he's called before while I've been under, I told him that I don't eat, and that I throw everything up. His reaction is concern and his usual playful interpretation of concern.
"You better stop doing that or I'll go over there and put my foot in your ass!"
So that's the extent of the caring on his end. We use a lot of humor in this family.
Sometimes telling the secret can be triggering, you want to come clean and feel that weight on your shoulders be lifted, but what if somehow telling makes it worse, what if your lifestyle and way of life look inviting?
I get asked all the time what is my secret? People want an easy answer, tips!
I would never wish what I'm going through for anyone. It's not a diet.
I'm not built the way others are, I can proudly say that I am a hard woman. I can endure loads. Some can't, my body can take a lot and so can my mind. What I can do and put up with isn't for everyone. I would hate for someone to think that they could keep up with me or do what I do. Being a novice to this can be detrimental to your health. Please be safe and find another way to lose weight, a healthier, safer way. Don't be like me, I'm not a role model or Thinspro, I'm a mess and a fool.
I'm so tired of this.
Today thanks to an app from ITunes that was recommend to me, the day started off differently.
Lose It! is a clever way to keep track of your weight loss. An online food diary and calorie keeper, exercise calculator and best of all you can add people by their email address, so it makes the support system even stronger.
I tried it this morning and entered all my info and the things I decided to eat, how much exercise I did and you know what?
It felt safe to me. It made the actual eating safe, granted I didn't eat a ton maybe 200 calories or so, but still to myself I thought, I could restrict, maybe?
In the afternoon though b/p happened, 1x like I said and during that odd binge, it didn't feel like a binge, it felt like a meal?
I made spaghetti, the meal was small and I got full fast, I also had a bowl of cereal and that's it. I ate slowly and felt that odd sensation of fullness, not that awful can't move cus I'm too full feeling and I have to throw up now. I listened to my body and stopped eating after I felt full. It reminded me of all those dietitians telling you how to eat and distinguish real hunger from thirst or actual boredom. Eat when you're hungry, stop when you're full.
The purge came afterwards unfortunately still-I'm so tired of purging. Purging feels like such a dam punishment. All that work!
I'm getting so tired of Mia. I don't want this anymore. My b/p have been reduced to 3x max no more. Today was only one episode, good but zero is the number I want.
The binging is getting smaller, little meals, and sometimes very well thought out, only things that wouldn't be so painful to bring back up. Pizza no, bread eh less. Donuts no; pancakes hell no.
Its like the changes are there now the rest of me has to catch up with the mindset. This new app on my Ipod has sort of inspired me a little. I feel as though I want to slowly restrict instead of my continuous failure of trying to be rid of Mia entirely. I feel it in my bones, Bulimia will not be it for me. I'm so ready to be done with this. I will fight this.
15lbs and then? I want to maintain, but that means eating. I have to find a way to do that. Tonight I've been drinking again and I managed to eat something. I feel so full, the desire to run into that bathroom right now is too much. I know my weight is up 2-3lbs, I'm full of liquids and food. I can't and shouldn't purge. I need to start getting used to food again, small amounts. I have to, can't binge and purge forever?
It's going to happen, I will be rid of this Mia for good.
My freezer and cabinets are still full of food, normally I'd be down to practically nothing by now, not the case anymore. The changes are in place and I'm ready to embrace it, I want that next step. I want to do something else, live another way.
Recovery can have many definitions, I want to recover from Bulimia and be done with it. I will be trading one addiction for another yes, but to me it doesn't feel that way.
I would gladly take Anorexia any day of the week than Bulimia.
Maybe I will be rid of the Ed entirely, only time will tell. In the meantime, I will continue to struggle with this and I wish that others like me would speak up. I don't want to feel like this kind of thinking is mines alone. Is there anyone else who feels this way?
Can trading in one mess for another really be the solution to one's problems?
Is constantly choosing the lesser of two evils still choosing evil?

2 comments:

Emily, said...

Lose it! Is a great app.
I hope when you begin therapy, you can really express how you're feeling, and get proper treatment.
<3

AKA 'Krystal' said...

hey hun - i am so with u! trading in mia for ana again is deff on my list of things to do! im so sick of mia and b/p all the time! she is robbing me of my time, money and energy! she doesnt help me lose weight anymore - i just maintain or gain then lose n maintain again - im sick of it! i am here for u always hun remember that and we think so much alike sometimes i wonder if u r really in my head!