Monday, January 24, 2011

Rock- a- bye baby

I'm back down to 105lbs this morning.
I didn't cave yesterday. I only drank a pathetic 32 ounces of water and did a ton of exercises. My sides are really sore and full of green and purple bruising. The Miralax kicked in early this AM as I began to get up for the morning school shuffle.
Today my daughter has a field trip at school. She's off to Jungle Island  with her class. I'm happy for her, she went to bed excited talking heaps until she closed her eyes. This morning she woke up all by herself and started the chatter again.
My husband woke up early too, I don't like this because he's like a normal person, he gets up and can eat breakfast. The problem is that he wants me to eat breakfast too knowing dam well what will happen if I do. Its way to early to start that, doesn't he realize how much I'm suffering? How hard not doing this from day to day is?
I look at him and he continues to make plans about us living together in some place bigger, one big happy family and all I can think about is the affair and how much was taken from me and what a mess I've become because of this. The last four years have been a blur to me. How can he be so unaffected, why isn't he a mess like me?
We're in the car now on the way to school and I'm tuning out all of these imaginary plans he's trying to project onto me. I'm so cold today, its only 60 degrees outside. I wanted to wear these black leggings and a nice long sleeved shirt and my boots, but when I got dressed and looked in the mirror I became disgusted with my legs. They look so skinny and the gap is almost there, that space that I wish would just happen already, but hasn't all the way yet so instead my thighs look weird to me. Ugh hate my body!
I feel so self conscious and embarrassed suddenly. I grab some jeans and wear it over my leggings. No makeup on this face today, feel too sad. I have no one to impress anyways. I've given up on my crush, he's too good looking for me. There are other more impressive women I'm sure he'd rather than me. I won't waste my time or his anymore.
I get out the car and see him of course, he doesn't see me yet and I couldn't feel more relieved. Hmm, he shaved his beard, he looks better without it anyways.
I make a quick getaway back to the car.
I feel and look awful today, I'm really sad. I wish there was something other than b/p that could make me feel better. I wish I could sleep the day away, I don't like taking sleeping pills, I don't trust falling asleep and not being aware of my surroundings. It's not a great feeling to be out of it and wake up to something horrible happening to you. I unfortunately have experienced that. It's a very personal story I wish to forget and don't really talk about or ever again will I think.
Kava Stress Relief  tea sometimes helps me. It will get me in a foggy state and sometimes I'll doze off even, a light nap. I'm out of it though at home and low on Splenda, so a trip to the grocery it is. Next door to the grocer's is a dollar store, I go inside to buy plastic silverware. Why plastic silverware?
Well my teeth are very fragile lately and my fear is that I'll bite down or hit them by mistake with the aluminum and chip something good. I use plastic silverware now at all times.
In the dollar store now and I go to the aisle with the pills, they carry vitamins and even though I'm A Vitamin Shoppe junkie, I like to cheat sometimes. I'm out of E at home so I grab some. I start browsing the shelves and the sleeping pills catch my eye. How simple to just pop some and erase half the day. Why shouldn't I?
I grab them and head out. I'm in a foul mood and quiet in the car. I try to go outside myself and imagine how having me as company might feel. I must be so draining. I don't know why anyone bothers with me, I'm no fun. That's not going to change anytime soon either.
I can only imagine how hard someone has to try to be with me or around me. I'm off in another world all the time. How boring I must come off as, I'm such a loser. I have nothing to show for myself at my age. What could I possibly have to offer to anyone?
I sigh silently and feel like I just want to eat all of these pills. I should just do myself and everyone else a favor and end this. I'm just wasting space and emotions. I hate that I think this way, I know things can turn around for me, I've been through hard times and though they've seemed like the end then at that point in time, I've managed to pull through better than ever. Its just so hard this time. I feel so hopeless, I feel like no one cares about me.
I think the only one who really loves me is my daughter. She tells me everyday now
"Mommy you're pretty; Mommy I like your hair; you're smart; Mommy I like when you cook, when I get bigger I want to cook like you, will you teach me?"
She is full of compliments, the only one who ever tells me these kinda things  because I don't say those to myself.
If it wasn't for her, well let's just say there would be no blog.
Ugh my husband is a chatty one this morning, you'd think he had Parrot Flakes for breakfast. Blah Blah so many plans..
One day at a time is all I can fathom sir.
I make my tea and it tastes so good, my cold body needs this to warm up. Its all I've had so far, I take a sleeping pill too. I'm just waiting now for it to kick in.
I feel like drinking all the time now, well not all day just at night. I swear if I had a twenty on me now, I'd drive to Walmart and buy as much wine as that could get. A bottle a night.
A few months back I'd drink every night. I couldn't wait for a suitable time to crack one open or uncork a bottle. I'd go online, hear music, start to get numb and forget things. I miss that, I need that.
Drinking alone does that to me, as much as I'd like to drink socially, alone feels safer to me. I can get it all out.
My mother was an alcoholic and a binge drinker, I think I get that from her.
She'd go months sober and then would binge drink, she'd go for weeks on end drunk all day and night. Then one day stop and the cycle starts again.
I feel like the cycle has started with me, something has triggered me into the alcohol again. I think maybe its because I'm at a crossroads. I could either keep going spiralling more into weight loss or I could try and stop losing weight and try to find a happy medium with myself. I don't know what I want. It changes from day to day like my mood. Some days I'm ready to quit all of this, others I'm ready to lose it all, not caring what it takes to get that number lower. I feel as though I am at war with myself.
I think I'm off to bed now, I want to sleep this day away. I'm tired of hopelessness and sadness. I'm tired of waiting.
My friend emailed me a song that he converted from Youtube. It made me smile, this takes me back. I'm glad he sent it too because I look everywhere for it and could never find it. Its on my Ipod now and I think I'll listen to it now until I doze off. I'll share..

Amanda Kravat
"Green (You Can't touch me)"


Dani said...

iw ant 60 degree weather its only 18 degrees here
im sorry taht ur in a bad place it happens toa ll of us and trust me when i say alcohocl isnt the answer i turned to that b4 and it wasnt good but i understand y u need it
just stay strong everything will b ok

Cora said...

It sounds like things are getting worse for you. I'm sorry you feel so depressed. I just don't really know what to say. I feel for you. Things can be really shitty, but they'll get better. It seems as though you're on the fence about trying to get better. Sometimes everything is so clear and it seems obvious what should be done, other times... well it's just hard to tell. I hope you're able to realize what you need to do soon.


small said...

I hope your insurance card arrives soon. You sound so down right now...with all the weight you've lost, is there a possibility that your hormone balance, etc., has triggered the depression? It could be physical. Maybe some anti-d's would help? I don't know, but it's worth discussing with a health care provider.

Hang in there. I wish you could see what I see, and what other readers see. You are gifted, very much so.

Hang in.