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Thursday, January 6, 2011

Way to go..

                                                                                           Mood:Regretful
Weight 111lbs.
Let's talk about last night before I tell you about my bonehead move this morning.
After my late blog post last night, it was time for bed. My lower left back was still screaming in agony, I decided for some reason to take a diet pill. I know I'm not suppose to because it will keep me up and I'll go the night without sleeping, but I was afraid that I might binge again so if I had the pill in me, I wouldn't allow myself to purge it out. Its kinda like when I decide to lax, once I take it, there's no more b/p; don't want to be wasteful there.
The strange thing is after an hour or so, well after the pill was digested, the pain stopped?
I'm in bed now and my husband is awake, "Do you want me to rub the pain away?" he asks in the darkness.
I tell him yes.
In the cold, still room my husband begins to rub my lower spine, he then takes it upon himself to massage me everywhere. Its not sexual, its an exam I'm afraid.
He meticulously feels every protruding bone I have. My shoulder blades, spine, hips, shoulder and clavicle. He squeezes my thin arms and thighs. He tries to touch my face to feel the smallness of it but I retreat backwards, I don't like anyone touching my face. I think having your face cradled is incredibly intimate, and I would only allow my lover to do that. My husband and his recent exploits make that gesture non existent forever it would seem.
He continues the probing, taking his time trying to identify what connects where, as he does this that song comes to mind,

With the toe bone connected to the foot bone, and the foot bone connected to the ankle bone, and the ankle bone connected to the leg bone. Oh mercy how they scare! Oh those bones, oh those bones, oh those skeleton bones. ♪

I picture a dancing skeleton in a top hat dancing to this tune..
He stops briefly, "My God you're so skinny; please don't throw up anymore. Does your stomach hurt?" he whispers to me touching my belly.
No. My chest is the only thing that hurts sometimes, like an ache, like I've pulled something. Mostly it hurts on the left and that's okay, its when the pain moves to the center of my chest that scares me.
He feels my chest now and moves his hand up and down feeling the definition.
"I can feel your ribs, does that hurt?" he continues the probing.
None of my bones hurt when you touch them.
The truth is that sometimes when I'm alone and staring at my body in the mirror, I like that ribs show, or my shoulder blades and spine, or anything that sticks out, I feel proud to have them on display, then there are other times when they scare me.
When I really look at them and try to recall why exactly does looking emaciated mean something to me?
How many more bones have yet to stick out before I feel shock-if ever?
The would be massage felt nice, I was relaxed and despite the pill taken, felt sleepy. One last question for the night-
"Why are you hurting yourself?"
This one I had a short answer for.
Because I deserve it. Bad things happen to me, whether I do the right thing or not it seems, this time though I will say what the bad things are.
He is quiet taking it all in.
It was getting late and I would've drenched up the affair and numerous other things but I decided against it, and with that we quietly went to sleep.
In the beginning, I remember b/p was something I did at times to feel better, the purging and the euphoria that accompanied it gave me such a high. That wonderful empty feeling after a huge binge was heaven. Then there were times where I would do it as a punishment to myself when the day went horribly awry.
As the months pass and the weight drops and then gets harder to lose, it feels like a punishment. It becomes an obsession and no matter how hard you try all of your efforts are for nothing, because the minute you stop is the minute it all ends, this new life you're trying to create for yourself.
The euphoria is gone for me, this doesn't feel good anymore, it feels like a full time job. Keeping the pounds away and losing the rest of it.
This morning I'm up and very well rested, I do exercises and shower. I lather my entire body with the African Shea Butter that was purchased yesterday.
I'm getting used to my new hair, or what hair is left. I like looking at myself today in the mirror, maybe its the pound lost but I feel happy this morning and sort of pretty.
I apply eyeliner, eyeshadow and lip gloss, that's about as close to girly I'm going to get. Foundation and all that other stuff still remains a mystery.
So I'm dressed in my size 1 jeans which are nice and snug as oppose to the other jeans I have which are baggy and not flattering at all anymore.
I feel good, I smell nice and I'm actually happy.
My daughter is up, bathed, dressed fed and we have teacher's gift ready, in the car we sing to music and I find a great parking space near the school.
Okay so now the plan was for me to go inside the school with my daughter to drop the gift off to teacher, and inquire about any more volunteer stuff in the classroom she may need, so at 8:10 I walk with my daughter who's very excited or was up until her little friend came along and then she's chatting away ignoring me, has no time for mom!
I walk past my crush who tells me that I can't go inside yet until 8:30.
I tell my daughter that who says OK mommy and walks away with her friend without even looking back or giving me a kiss. I yank her back by her sweater and give her a hug and kiss.
My crush thinks this is all very amusing, he has such a nice smile.
So now, I watch her leave and stand a little aways from the man I get dressed up for in the mornings now.
"Are you gonna stick around until 8:30?" he asks with a glimmer of hope in his eyes.
I don't know why, maybe it was because I wanted to both stare at him and look away at the same time, but I said no. In reality I no longer had a reason to go inside, my daughter took the gift bag with her. He looks disappointed, I regretted the dam words the minute I uttered them.
I leave back to my car, and in the driver's seat of my little Saturn I ask myself what are you doing!
I pull out and head to the Publix round the corner from my daughter's school and head quickly inside. My daughter's teacher is always taking donations for the classroom, whatever you give counts as community service, so I decided to rack up on cookies and things to give to her, AKA an excuse to go back and kill time with my crush.
I also grab some things for me in case of a binge.
Okay now I book it back fast to my car and hope that I make it on time, I also bought some Mentos candy that I was casually going to give to my crush. I park and walk up to the school and wouldn't you know the watch says 8:35 and my crush is nowhere to be seen. Way to go Lou, you've screwed your chance.
Dam. I head inside and give up the goods and chat with teacher. My heart aches with disappointment, the candy stays unopened in my back pocket.
Why all the hoop jumping you ask?
I should have stayed and talked to him, because I like talking to him, I love the way he looks at me. He makes me feel pretty and normal. When he's around I feel desirable and calm. There is no Ed or thoughts of weight in sight. Its all innocent of course, but in that moment when its just us two, I get a little glimpse of what my life could be like, what it feels like to have another person genuinely take an interest in you. To have a fresh start.
I leave the school feeling sad and looking back. So you've guessed it, I'm binging now and blogging.
BBQ chips and chocolate (great combo-try it!) Liverwurst Sandwiches too (those are an acquired taste but I love them, don't judge me I'm a sick girl).


I don't know why but I think sometime later today, I may make 110lbs. I hope I do anyways. Ugh I'm eating cereal now, almost time to go purge all this out.
I should have stayed talking to him, then this binge could have been avoided.
Oh well.
I'll try that workout DVD later and maybe try to catch up on blogs and the rest of the To Do list.
Enjoy the rest of your day lovelies its going to be a long one.



***UPDATE***
Okay So I've purged, and now guess what 110.4lbs!
See I knew it, stupid Mia + Lipo 6 Black Hers 
have made me lose, if I do this right and continue whatever dumb luck streak I'm on January may be looking up.


2 comments:

mags said...

You should try to talk to him more often if you really feel that way around him. That would be so good--and he's nice to you and obviously is attracted to you. I don't want to say it's cute, because you're a full grown adult, but it is. I certainly hope you can let another man it--one that treats you the way you deserve.

and congrats again! another pound lost! Seems like you have a positive streak goin for ya (:

danae said...

i agree you should talk to him more often. i'm a fan of salt & vinegar prinkles and chocolate nom nom nommm lol. i don't know what liverwurst is but the name doesn't make it sounds very appetizing *judges* ;)
take care lovely, and congrats on the size 1 jeans i'm in evny
x