Sunday, January 23, 2011

You're Grounded!

Last night drank two bottles of cheap wine, 6% alcohol content each-koolaid for adults, what a waste.
Ate a whole pack of Saltine crackers too because I am a fool.
Alcohol impairs your judgement; you don't say.
I'm full to the brim with cheap wine and crackers, I feel so fat and my weight is up. I'm so bloated and nauseous. I can feel the digestion happening this very second.
I'm not eating today at all, I've been drinking water to help move things along.
I don't deserve any kind of food today. I've been thinking long and hard about this b/p and how easy and appealing it looks from an outsiders perspective. No wonder everyone just about throws me a parade for losing all of this weight. They think its genius, eat whatever you want and throw it up, no gain, no pain.

It's not easy, it unbearable and ridiculous and gross.
You don't lose any kind of weight like this, all you do is stuff as much food as you possibly can down your throat as quick as you can and then go waste long agonizing minutes of your life bent over a toilet bowl regurgitating it all back up, only to do the same robotic actions again and again all live long day.
I'm fed up with denying myself food, everything goes down the drain now, liquids, even safe food. Nothing is safe anymore.
I have to exercise like a fiend to even allow myself anything at all. I'm cold and tired, isolated and depressed. The depression feeds the Ed and Vice versa. I feel like I'm getting stupider everyday too. I forget things and can't concentrate on anything but food. Numbers govern me, the Scale determines my outcome.
I have panic attacks when I have to eat out in public and anxiety attacks when I can't purge quick enough.
Purging is becoming tiresome, exercising is also a hard tedious way of expelling calories. Want that salad 100 calories, or 10 minutes on the treadmill, everything has a stigma attached to it.
The bulimia feels like a cake walk because you gorge yourself with whatever you please, it makes you lazy. I don't deserve it anymore. I need to work harder. I've been BS too much with this. If I want to b/p I think it should be earned. I should work hard all week long and only indulge in the ritual once a week. One day out of the week, maybe a Friday or Sunday. I'll be so exhausted I may not even want to do that anymore and that would be the point.
I may fail at this completely, quitting something cold turkey is never easy, but something has to change for me. I don't want to gain all this weight back and that could easily happen if I continue to be careless and get to that point of complete starvation. I need to start restricting again, to get familiar with the feeling of food inside me.
So today plenty of water for me, exercise every hour and plenty of profanities in the mirror. Have to punish myself until this thing gets drilled in my head that its not okay to gain.


Cora said...

I hate it that you feel this way. You shouldn't punish yourself for things that aren't your fault. It's certainly not your fault you have an ed. Gosh, I want to make things better for you. I wish I could. You so don't deserve this. Stay safe.


Dylphe said...

i hope you feel better soon. i know how it is. i hate this cycle. i'm happy though that you're trying to fight against it.
stay strong

unbeautiful said...

I hope you feel better soon. You are so much better than this. Don't let it bring you down. Be safe.

Dani said...

feel better soon hun
and its not true that u eat pruge then lsoe all the weight cause even if u do pruge it all up u still retain at least 60 percen tof the cals just saying

Smallasapanda said...

I know it's hard for you to believe, but you are beautiful and you have an amazing personality (from what i've gotten from your posts).
I wish i could stop you from feeling all this shit that you don't deserve.

But it's the tough things in life that make you stronger (even though you seem incredibly strong already)

Anonymous said...

good luck hun, you should have a little more faith in yourself though. i agree, quitting cold turkey is really hard, i've very much failing at this attempt.

Mich said...

Hope you can break this cycle. Habits are so tough to overcome, but you can do it. <3