Friday, January 14, 2011

Back to Business

Thursday around 3am I wake up feeling dizzy and thirsty.
The room is cold and dark, the outside temperature is a staggering 48 degrees. The little heater hums in the background and the cats stir and follow me to the refrigerator.
I open another bottle of Pedialyte, my second since the day before. I'm trying to feel better, I grab two bananas and sit on the couch with the laptop. The warmth from the internal fan whirling warms my legs and I'm ever so grateful, after a few minutes my thighs turn bright red from the heat.
I stay up until four unable to go back to sleep, too many voices and thoughts racing through my head. I just want rest.
I crawl back into bed and my husband stirs,
"Can't sleep?" he rolls over to face me.
If something happens to me, I want to be cremated. I think maybe we should even get my Urn too when we order my uncle's Urn. I don't want to lay in a hole somewhere or be scattered in the sea. I want to be burned and set in a jar. To be taken always everywhere with each new move or change. I want to still be a part of things when I'm dead and gone. To not be forgotten in death as I feel sometimes in this life.
"No, I don't wanna talk about this now. Nothing is going to happen to you, you'll be like your uncle and out live us all." he tries to change the subject,
I think its important to talk about these things, you've seen what its like to die and have nothing done. I don't want that burden. Think about what I said.
The alarm goes off at 6am and I'm too cold and tired to go anywhere, even to workout.
I poke my husband from his sleep and ask him to take my daughter to school, he agrees.
I lay back down and sleep for one hour exactly.
Time for school and I'm back up while everyone else sleeps. I make coffee and up the setting on the heater. I dress in layers and get everything ready.
My husband and daughter are out the door and I'm sort of bummed that I won't see my crush today. Wonder if he'll even notice I'm not there.
I lay back down to avoid falling over. I'm craving pancakes today, its so cold outside makes me want hot food.
Before the sleep can even penetrate, my husband is back and dropping hints about breakfast. He's not going back to sleep. Sometimes I prefer if he stayed asleep. I normally would hold out to binge later on after he leaves to work, but in those instances where I couldn't, while he lay unconscious in slumber, I would quietly binge at the computer desk and then go fake a shower and purge. Today it seems everything would have to be out in the open.
So pancakes and eggs, bacon and grits too. Hot strong coffee for us both.
I've never been one for coffee, but lately I can't get enough of it. My husband likes this as he lives with a coffee mug attached to his hand at all times. Now this is a vice we can both share, since I don't really drink alcohol with him anymore. Drinking with him would start off pleasant. but by the end of the night I would get evil and start bringing up all sorts of things from the past wanting answers to things that have gone in ruin.
My treadmill is not ready yet, the repairman had been giving me the run around, made me nervous, so triggering. My husband finally gets a hold of him and looks like Wednesday will finally be the day, some parts were still on order from Texas or some such non sense. I need my treadmill, I need exercise dammit!
I think all this weight I've lost recently is actual muscle. Once I start up the routine again, I may just plateau.
After breakfast was done and I could barely get up, went to purge while hubby popped in a movie and raised the volume a little too loud. I think he was trying to give me privacy. I wonder how he really feels about me doing this. I ate on the bed with my laptop, he ate on the couch facing the TV, his back to me. Our talking was never face to face, his head would turn sideways to acknowledge me but that's all. Does he ever wonder when will she stop? Or does he feel guilty and responsible and figures that he will just watch over me in this lucid behavior.
After I purged, I take a real shower to wake up and feel better. The phone rings and there's even a knock at the door, I'm done and toweling off when my husband says its UPS.
My heart sinks, and I finish up and dress.
My uncle's ashes are here. A large, white shipping box sits on the computer table. My sister's handwriting scribbled on top. My husband heads to use the bathroom and I'm alone with the man who would call me everyday without fail and chat about this and that. The one person who cared to ask me how I was doing. I start to cry.
The sadness strangles me. I really feel the loss now. I thought I would be ready or feel differently but I don't. Death is so strange. You're gone and everything else stays the same, its Thursday again like nothing, the world doesn't stop with your grief. Sometimes I wish it did.
Sometimes I don't really want sympathy, instead empathy. Feel what I feel on a daily basis and maybe then you could understand me some.
Thursday went on much the same in that fashion, crying fits and more b/p, I kept trying to find something else to feel but was unable to. Nothing was helping me. I put a bottle of wine to chill and showered again, by the time I was done, I'd change my mind again and instead opted to for an early bedtime at 8 pm.
Today is better, I've taken my kid to school in this awful cold, come back home and have actually caught up on sleep. I'm ready to focus on these last 15lbs.
I want to make 104 this weekend. The melancholy is still there in the background but I'm trying my best to push it aside and focus on better things.
I'm really looking forward to the upcoming week.
My daughter has this thing now where she keeps telling me I'm beautiful, or that she really likes my hair. Its very sweet, I keep telling her she's the looker in the family but she laughs at me and keeps repeating the same things back. There's no school Monday so we've decided to have a family outing to the Coral Castle Museum. I've never been there before and I know she will like it very much, I just hope its not too cold that day. I'm not built for the cold, I'm a Florida girl, I think we're the only state right now in the whole USA that doesn't have snow. My oldest brother is in Philadelphia today and I can tell how happy he is, makes me happy for him. We've never seen snow before, he will be building his very first snowman ever, I told him to steer clear of the yellow snow. He says he actually wants to try to write his name in the snow, I told him don't forget to dot the I.
Well in other totally unrelated Eating Disorder News..
My pussy is getting hot.

My cat is in heat, oh boy. I need to find a crate asap and then bye bye hormones.
She is so annoying, meowing at all hours of the day and night, sticking her furry butt up in the air. I can't take it anymore.
If I'm not getting laid neither are you kitty.

Hope you all have a great weekend. Let's all try to drop a pound this weekend ♥


wj89 said...

I hate it when cats are in heat. I feel bad if they get fixed, but they're so damn annoying when they're horny!

Dylphe said...

or 2 or 3 or
it's so cute when kids compliment you. my daughter will walk around with her camere go "smile" snap the picture and then say "oooh you're beautiful" kids don't lie right?
except then she'll lay on my back or cuddle with me and start grabbing fat on my hips, arms or wherever lol
stay strong

Mich said...

I'm so sorry about your uncle, but I'm glad you're finding little things to make you smile--like your daughter. She sounds like such a little angel.

Oh man, I remember when my cat that I had in college would be in heat; it SUCKED. And I swear to god every male cat in Philadelphia knew she was in my apartment--they would be climbing up onto the roof and the gutters and trying to get in the windows. >:O

mags said...

Love this post.You're a great writer, even!
Good enough to even make me almost cry about your uncle, someone who I don't know but sounds like a great person.