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Monday, January 3, 2011

Fight

                                                                                        Mood:Fatigued
I'm tired,
My mood swings are too much today, the melancholy feeling is trying to take hold of me.
I've taken a diet pill today, they are really strong, I have tons of energy but I don't like it. I made the mistake of taking two pills too close together yesterday and the effects almost made me go binge. Instead I had to shower twice, lay down and then go for a walk with my daughter. Today I've just taken the one, but it feels like a waste, how is this gonna burn off anything with me sitting on my butt or doing trivial low intensity activities? I feel lazier and lazier as the days go by since I've been inactive.
I should be using the energy towards a proper workout except the treadmill won't be repaired for a week. The motor burned out. Its not that expensive to fix, I've been calling customer service trying to see if the Manufacturer's warranty can flip the bill. I've been transferred to 6 different departments only to be hung up on by 12 different people. So dam frustrating.
So now I'm stuck in every way possible I feel like.
Stuck in this awful marriage, stuck at this weight, stuck without an insurance card so far, the last one pisses me off. I can't make any calls or inquire about anything yet without my card. I just want to get better already.
I'm so tired of waiting, feels like that's all I'm doing. I hate feeling this way, this unexplained sadness that comes and takes over, that puts me in such a foul, low mood suddenly.
I have no reason to be sad, no possible explanation even for why this happens.
Its so triggering.
I feel like I wanna cave right now. Its like Mia is the one thing that I know is there, with utter assurance day after day, dependable. That will never change.
I'm trying to change and its just not happening it seems, feels like so much comes at me and I just don't know where to begin, how to untangle the web?
I feel so sleepy, I can't imagine cooking X amounts of food, eating until I can't even stand and then bending over a toilet bowl for what feels like hours purging. Taking splashes in the face, scrapping my knuckles, weighing over and over till its all gone. I don't want to do that today..or ever again!
I'm a slave to all of that ritual and then what at the end of the day I'm still stuck at this weight.
My body is so messed up right now, it doesn't know if it should lose, digest, store? My metabolism is a no show no matter how many boosters I attempt.
I'm fighting for my life right now, a life. I don't have that anymore.

So now its after 2, I picked up my daughter from school and I'm already in tears, I think I'm just going to cave.
My husband is just too triggering, he so happy it makes me pissed.
He can cheat and have fun and then come back like nothing ever happened, while I suffered and lost everything I ever knew. Now I'm supposed to do what with myself. Bringing up all this affair nonsense is just messing with me. Every time I look at him now that's all I see, its like I'm relieving the thing all over again. There is no closure here.
God my chest hurts so bad, all this stress. If I were to just pass out or fucking have a heart attack already, I don't though, the stupid anxiety is torturing.
I don't know how to fix my life.
No one gives a shit and why should they, to the outside world it looks like I don't care either. Maybe I shouldn't.
If it wasn't for my daughter I would've ended this a long time ago, but I don't. Instead I try to fight a little everyday. I try to get better, even though it feels like everything is stacked up against me. Even though sometimes I don't want to.
I'm cooking dinner now, my stomach hurts. My weight is 112.4
If I b/p It may go up, I could even gain. I could stay stuck again at 112. The rest of the day will go by in the bathroom, the rest of the To Do list unfinished.
I'll be dehydrated further and no closer to solving anything.
Why do I feel as though I need to punish myself, inward further, why can't I just expel this energy outward, lash out, hurt the ones that hurt me back?
Men hit on me constantly (idk y-fools) and instead of saying yeah, fuck it, I'll have a little affair all my own, I don't do that, even though maybe I have a right to. Instead I think about right and wrong, I figure sure its fun now, but later, what awaits for me later? The Karma you see stops me.
I imagine and hope that good will triumph, that all my suffering will somehow be vindicated.
Its getting harder everyday to keep that positive thinking. The fight is tough and the rewards are meager.
I still don't know what to do yet.
My head is throbbing. I'll hold off as much as I can, but so far looks like I'm losing..


2 comments:

Mich said...

Try to hold on as best as you can. I don't think any of us know what to do to escape the hell that we're stuck in. Just keep trying to move towards lighter, brighter things. Hopefully one day we'll find our way out of the dark. You deserve to find happiness.

mags said...

I wish we could like comments like on facebook. Because I really like Mich's comment.

Hey girl, you can be strong. I've been reading your blog and you ARE strong. You're hurt, you feel trapped, you're confused, and yet you're still standing and still looking for hope--whether it be for your daughter or not. You're strong, and you will succeed at whatever the hell you want to. Your ball n chain has only delayed you, he can't stop you.

I really hope you continue fighting mia. Mia has taken up so much of your life, and even if she's helped you lose weight, she's taken a lot from you. I hope you find love someday. I hope you can have faith in yourself.