Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Answers and such..

Today is too cold for me.
I'm really fatigued and still at 105.
I've decided to just take a day off and re coop. I'm really dizzy and every time I stand up or walk I have to hold onto something and take a seat. I figured losing a pound a day will do that to you.
I've been eating bananas and potatoes, and drinking Pedialyte and Powerade. No exercise today and only b/p 2x.
My brother came for a visit, he's leaving to Philly and needed to book a flight online. This is the same brother who made that "you stopped dieting?" comment back when I was 112lbs. Wow, that specific number was with me for some time it seemed. It actually hasn't been that long. Funny how large the cup of water you drown yourself in is at the time.
This time no comment.
I dressed in all black thermals and had a huge sweater on. If he noticed anything, he didn't say. He keeps quiet about that sort of stuff anyways. He has fish that need tending to, I can't fish sit because he lives pretty far away and I'll have an anxiety attack driving that distance, so he asked our other brother to do the honors. Dropping off apartment keys and borrowed movies were a must before he said goodbye to me.
The person who came to pick up the apartment keys for the fish sit was my sister in law and her sister. I go downstairs and its 59 degrees outside, I'm freezing of course. I haven't seen my sister in law since August I think it was.
I head downstairs and I get the looks. The first words out her sister's mouth are..
"Look how skinny you are, my god you're nothing!"
Normally I don't mind the oh you've lost weight comments, but the way she said it made me drop eye contact with her immediately. I never felt so embarrassed..
My sister in law proceeded to cut the awkward moment by suggesting that her gym workouts will make her head in the same direction. Then her sister proceeded with the same comments again, the you're like so tiny and more adjectives in that fashion. I couldn't look either of them in the eye for duration of their stay.
I couldn't wait to go back upstairs to my warm little room.
After exchanging small talk and the keys, I bolted back upstairs. This is why I no longer want to be seen. Why I avoid people and going out at all.
 Why do some people get so shocked, I don't get it?
When a person gains massive amounts of weight, the total opposite happens. Its all hush and changing the subject. Don't talk about how fat they are, no no!
Yes tell them how fat they are, how unhealthy it is and why are they so big, are they really happy being unable to see their genitals and feet?
Why do I have to get the third degree for being thinner?
I honestly can't see what the problem is. The pictures I took yesterday showed me nothing, except my problem areas. I just see what I need to work on further, what I have to better. What I wouldn't do for a tummy tuck.
Losing weight so quickly ruins your skin. That's all I am is skin, I bet if I had surgery a good 8lbs of it would be skin alone. I tone and workout, but it will take at least the rest of the year before everything gets tucked away nice and neat as if I were born that way all along.
I've lost 107lbs in less than a year.
How I'm still standing and conjugating sentences is beyond me.

Today has been a pretty quiet day, slept most of it away. Tomorrow the thing begins again. Rest, I will rest no matter what.
So now its answer time from yesterday's impromptu Q&A.
Such few questions :(
Oh well.
Let's start with Mags..

1)How long have you struggled with your body image? Like when did it all begin?

I never realized there was something wrong with me until I got to school. I had to be in the third grade. That's when I first started to notice, really notice what other girls looked like. The clothes they wore, the shape of their bodies, their confidence and my lack there of. It all went downhill from there. Boys who were my friend loved me all right, but I didn't turn heads like those thin girls did. It didn't help that I was of course over weight. Diets and stuff were never enforced on me. My parents pretty much let me blow up without protest. Parents should mind their children!
So I've been struggling with the way I look ever since. I don't think I'm pretty.

2)Do you think you'll always struggle with an ED? Or do you think that once you reach your goal weight that you'll simply maintain that weight and move on?

I would like to believe that this Ed will go away. The truth is it won't. I will always struggle with food. Everyday this gets worse. Why just today even though my husband is okay with the b/p and even though he's seen me eat before, I held out as long as I could to even drink water in front of him. Now its getting to that point where I don't even want to be seen eating in front of anyone. In public or even behind closed doors. I think of it as shameful now? I figure if anyone sees me eat, they automatically assume I'll purge it. Sometimes I do eat, last night when everyone went to bed I ate a piece of fruit in the dark while reading blogs..
I've damaged myself good. Without outside interference, I don't think I could recover from this alone.
I now associate food with feelings, whether good or bad. I don't think I'll be able to have a meal at a restaurant with coworkers, or on a date without thinking about where the nearest toilet is, or how long before the digestion starts.
So many things revolve around food, and I have a child so its twice as bad because the happy pretense has to be kept up. The birthday parties and celebrations, movies, the beach, any kind of fun activity will have a meal involved. Do I really want to be the only mom there without a disposable plate in her hand? If I ever truly leave the Bulimia for good, I'm sure the Anorexia would be as bad. I tend to go from one extreme to another and stay there, determined. I am not the same person from before and I'm afraid I never will be. The scars on my knuckles will always remind me of this.
I want to reach 90lbs. When I get there the plan is to maintain. I've also talked myself into not going over 100lbs just in case maintaining turns into gaining. I really hope that by then I will feel okay with my weight. If I get there and I don't, I have no idea how to stop this runaway train?
If I'm getting the Omg looks at this weight, I can't imagine 80 and below. Hospitalization or the psych ward may be in future in that case.

3)What kind of music do you listen to?

I like all sorts of music. What's on my Ipod is a makeshift record store.
Lamb is one of my favorite bands, their genre is something along the lines of trip hop. They have some of the most beautiful lyrics I've ever heard.
Kings of Leon I adore. Something about the front man's voice and how he squeaks after every lyric just gets to me. He has a thick southern accent and I can't make out most of what the heck he sings, but after a few glasses of wine, it all sounds good to me.
Clubland Extreme Hardcore 5 is techno or Hardcore music. After I turned 18, I would be in a nightclub every weekend. South Beach has some of the best clubs to be in. I fell in love with dance music, I was a club kid, raver, glow stick baby. I have this Entire Cd downloaded on my Ipod, its the best compilation I've heard so far. Three different DJ's all bad ass.
Tom Petty is classic rock.
I discovered this man in the seventh grade, First song I ever heard from him was "American Girl." That was it, I was hooked. He's brilliant. I even had a crush on him, (Skinny boys in tight pants) he wore tight jeans, he was super skinny with blue bright eyes and long blond hair. I would jump that man's bones, well not now cause he's way older, even though there's the Viagra break through, I'd be scared he'd die on me. Yikes a stiff one for sure.
Doo Wop I love this genre. I have so many artist on my Ipod. The Platters, Frankie Lymon and the Teenagers, Little Richard, The Flamingos. I love the 50's and the 60's. If I could live in any decade, one of those two would be it.

4)How many different kinds of pills do you take? What are they?

I take a lot of pills, about 12 varieties so far..
If I had more money, there would be more pills to own. I live at the Vitamin Shoppe, if I could work at that place they could pay me in pills.

Green Tea pills
Flax Seed
Sea Kelp
Vitamin E
Vitamin D
Fish Oil
Can't forget the latest purchase Lipo 6 Black for Her.

5)What is your favorite food to b/p on?

Ah b/p foods.
Well my favorites change all the time, just last month Baked Spaghetti was my favorite, I'd go all out with that one.
This month though I'm obsessed with Coffee and cookies. Even my once Safe food Cheese and Crackers are now on the binge list.
Cereal is still a good one, Cap'n Crunch is awesome, I just hate how it ruins the roof of your mouth after a few bowls. I've been chomping on Walmart Brand "Honey and Oats Blender" aka Honey bunches of Oats. Publix brand yellow cheese is my favorite with Keebler Soda Crackers, not Saltines, blech too salty.
Betty Crocker Peanut Butter Cookies, you just mix with water and a tablespoon of oil and 12 little minutes later done!
Coffee is taken with real creamer, makes a world of difference. Caramel Sundae from McDonald's-nice, without the peanuts, I hate purging Peanuts.
Chips Ahoy cookies, soft and chewy always on sale at the Family Dollar, got a pack today for a mere $1.25!
So that's this month's favorites so far.

118 or Bust now to answer yours..

1)What ethnicity are you?

I am from Miami, Fl.
I was born here in the good ol U.S.A, my heritage is Hispanic. Cuban to be more precise. I speak English, Spanish and Spanglish.

So that's the question and answer portion of this post.
I'm actually going to shower now and head to bed for more rest. I'm really tired. This cold weather is annoying. I hope tomorrow morning won't be so awful, I want to not feel dizzy. At least if if had the shakes then I could pinpoint the thing and assume low glucose, but dizzy could mean anything.
I still haven't gotten my period yet?
Wonder when that will come and ruin everything, hope it takes a hike this month, or forever..
Night to you all, and thanks for the compliments on yesterdays update pictures.
You are all very sweet and thoughtful.
Luck to us all tomorrow.


Weightoomuch said...

hey chika! I know what you mean about the whole people don't talk about it when people gain wait but can't freakin shut up when people lose. I lost a lot this time last year and everyone mentioned some with approval and others with...less than approval. but they all said it to my face. I gained a lot back over last summer because of my mother and then these girls in my class one day were whispering and pointing at me and laughing. I only heard a few words but it made it clear they were talking about my weight gain. I wanted to scream at them "yes I'm fat, I'm disgusting, just fuckin say it to my face"

Could I email you? I have a few ?s that I don't want to post up

mags said...

Ignore their comments. I know they can't help. I imagine it only making things worse for you if you listen to them. You don't need that.

Lou, you really are beautiful. Even if you don't think so, I promise you that you really truly are.

*Broken* said...

First of all last post I didn´t commented but I read it and trust me you look amazing and you are really pretty =)
I love how honest your answers are and it can be annoying people commenting on your weight every moment they have