Thursday, January 20, 2011

Two Mia's today


My Homage to Mia Farrow

Mia Farrow is a favorite of mines, I just adore her. I'm doing a sort of ThinSpro tribute to her. She was so thin at this time in her life and famous, eccentric and beautiful.
I Love, love, love her hair, my sister teases me that I look like her now, so these pics are for my sister too who lives so far away from me and who I miss.
I'm not feeling well today. I think either my sugar is really low or I'm dangerously dehydrated. It has me worried and scared. I'm in bed now, I can't walk around much with feeling dizzy. My body is tingly all over.
I've just had a breakdown in the bathroom and made my husband cry, he is on his knees now praying for me.
I'm too miserable.
I'm tired of waiting, everything is in someone Else's hands.
I'm suppose to move to a bigger place, can't I'm on a (wait for it..) Waiting List.
Treadmill ready, nope still waiting.
Insurance, sure I have it I've been told, can't do anything because, waiting for card in the mail.
A job, no I apply everywhere! waiting for a callback if any.
There are other things, but you get the jest of it..
How am I not triggered?
Of course all I can do is just lose weight, that's the only thing I have an actual grasp on in this life of mines.
I think if I keep going this way I'm living, this may be my last year here.
"Just eat something, you're probably dehydrated, drink Gatorade." Husband suggests.
I'm tired of feeling sad all the time, what is the matter with me? This is not living!
Eat, no I can't eat everything blows you up. I'll just get fat all over again, then what you'll cheat on me again, I'll lose everything again and be homeless again and get taken advantage of and fucked and what then?
My husband hugs me as if that makes anything better. You have no idea what its like to walk around and feel nothing.. To constantly think about just ending it all. I can't live like this anymore, I just want something to change already.
Dam how much more patient does a bitch gotta be?
He cries, maybe he feels guilty, maybe he's at the end of his own rope. I don't know. I don't want to be a burden or hurt any one's feelings honest, if I could be like Plain Jane I would. Instead I'm this huge mess of emotions and guts. I don't deserve anything better than Euthanasia.
The worst, absolute worst fucking part I hate about all of this other than making my husband feel like shit, and my sister too I bet who'll read this now and worry about me is..
I want to binge and purge right now.
I could pass out alone in this house if I do, I have no idea what is going on inside me, maybe its sugar, dehydration, low potassium?
Why is this so hard, why can't I just stay in bed and not eat, just keep drinking fluids and rehydrate.

Instead I am in bed, my chest hurts, my head feels like a bobble head and I'm tingly all over. I'm sipping water, Gatorade, and now just drank exactly 1 cup of milk (low glucose) and all I can think about is how much my weight is going up. I know its liquids, I'll piss it out etc; all I want to do is jump on that scale.
I can't believe this is my life, I have no idea how I got here, Ed's are a coping mechanism? Some way to cope, I'm offing myself quicker than If I'd stayed on drugs or became a full blown alcoholic.
There is a chicken defrosting in the sink, I won't go near it. I guess its McDonald's for dinner. Tomorrow there is no school, so I can rest more, I just wish that I could successfully fast today and that way I could feel somewhat better. If I could just avoid Mia.
I'm alone now, husband just left to get my daughter from school. I let out some of this anguish already and feel better. I'm still a little tingly but I'll keep drinking water and try not to weigh.
I don't want anyone to worry about me, it's just frustrating to be so alone going through this. I have online friends and that's wonderful, I love them dearly, but sometimes I just wish I had an actual person here, a face to relate this Ed too as well. Someone else that is going through the same thing, maybe even recovered? I don't want to fight this alone but I am.
Hubby called to tell me he's downstairs with my daughter, great he forgot the McDonald's, it her reward day too for getting Green all week. Now I have to heat up a pizza or something because the chicken is frozen solid!
I feel triggered now.
Hate this time of the day, I'm glad I got some of this out though, sorry if the things I say are too much, I have so much going on inside me I have to say what I feel at the time exactly, just like with the pictures, I need to capture the moment, I tend to forget so much. My brain is just too short circuited to get it all. I feel like that movie Memento, always writing things down and taking pictures to remember the seamlessly long day. I wanna be here, I do. I also want to get better. I'm trying to turn this around as best as I can. I'm trying, trying trying, always trying..

I'll try my hardest not to b/p but the way I'm feeling..
Hope I can do this today.


AKA 'Krystal' said...

hey hun im right here with u - u r not alone today... i like u - wish someone was here in this place with me whom i could talk to or work with but for now i am just thankful to have u here on my side and to be likewise - on urs!

AS said...

I just want you to know that you really aren't alone here. I have felt so weak, light-headed, dizzy, etc today that I have literally spent the whole day in bed. Every time I movie it hurts...just walking to the bathroom I have to tell my feet to lift up off of the ground and support me...not to mention the lovely five minutes I spend sitting on my bed breathing heavily to prepare my body for what it will be like to stand up.

I'm just letting you know this so that you don't feel so alone. Your post is what my entire day has been like, except I've spent it alone.

Anytime you need to talk, I'm always here, and I know what you're going through. I hope that you can find the strength to nibble on something or drink some more gatorade so that you feel better. Sending you wishes for strength, healing, happiness, and love. xx

small said...

Strong resemblance to Mia in the black white pic of you.

Love the new blog design.

You are worthy of love. You are smart, funny, capable, and a wonderful mama. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you really do have a lot to offer.

Mich said...

I love Mia Farrow, she's so beautiful.

I'm sorry you're having a bad day. Keep pushing the fluids! I hope you feel better. You deserve an amazing weekend. <3


Dylphe said...

hope you feel better. i know how it is to be stuck and feel like there's no one there.
you are so gorgeous love the pictures!!
stay strong