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Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Impasse

                                                                                          Mood:Cold



This morning is a lovely 75 degrees. The day is dark, cold and drizzling rain. My kind of day.
Yesterday I managed to sleep the entire day only waking up at 8pm drowsy and tired. I stayed an additional hour awake before calling it quits for the remainder of the night. So I've made it two whole days no purging. I don't weigh yet, I'm scared to, the disappointment is too much for me.
I exercise and shower. My clothes are becoming a nuisance. Every week its seems like something else doesn't fit me. This week my sweaters.
During laundry day as the clothes get put away, sometimes my husband makes the mistake of putting half of my clothes in my daughter's dressers.
As I'm searching for a white tee that I'm certain is in her room, I stumble upon a black sweater. Out of sheer curiosity I try it on, and wouldn't you know the dam thing fits me, I fit a six year old's sweater..
Its not even tight. I look in the mirror and can understand how he could mix up our clothes. So it looks like I need a new wardrobe.
School traffic is hectic today and I'm forced to park far away and walk a block. I'm feeling particularly sad today. I'm tired of feeling this way its so exhausting. It hurts to smile and its a bother to talk. I just want to avoid everyone. I'm tired, not sleepy but just fed up with it all.
I avoid being noticed which is always a good thing in my book when you wish to avoid certain someones..I'm getting used to being over looked anyways. Maybe my super power is invisibility.
In the car and dreading home. Its only 9am and I tell my husband I'll be back later, I want to be out of the house, its too early to think about food and numbers, caloric intake, gain, lose..
My phone rings and its my sister, we chat for a bit while my husband dresses to join me.
The drive does me good, there is no particular place I had in mind to go, I just wanted out.
The car needs gas and a quart of oil, to the gas station we head. Coffee is suggested and I don't say yes or no yet. I tune out the question. Do I really want coffee? Am I even thirsty or hungry? I have no idea what my body wants anymore, those signals that let you know these things are non existent. I hate that I already start to calculate, one medium coffee, Splenda, hmm low fat creamer or do I want half and half, how many calories more.
Its fucking coffee!
I allow myself this. I figure I'll pee it out and walk off the meaningless calories.



The only place I could think of possibly going that is even open at this time is Flamingo Plaza; a strip mall full of thrift stores.
I'm circling around the huge parking lot and see a strange sight. A flock of seagulls all huddled together enjoying the rainy breeze. I always picture them as local residents of lovely sandy beaches only, makes me always wonder what on earth could they possibly enjoy being someplace other than there? I'd live on the beach if I could.
Nevertheless, there they were serene as ever, enjoying Tuesday, beach or not.


We spend a good chunk of time at the shops, walking around and looking at numerous items we have no room at the house for or are in need of. As usual I buy more books than I have space for. I used to have a ton of books, god so many. I lost that all when I became homeless. I could only keep with me whatever I could fit inside my car at the time. The majority of it was clothes, picture albums and only a total of maybe twenty books that I absolutely loved.
The Dark Tower series were among the essentials I could not part with. I've been trying to build up my collection again, but I have to tell you that material possessions once you've lost it all don't have the same sentiment as before. Sometimes I'm scared to have things, to invest too much love or ties into them. I'm scared to lose it all again.
Today though the books I found were ones that I really wanted, I found The Bridges of Madison County, and a rather new Steven King book, The Dome.
Lots of goodies, but no money now to shop. Maybe next week when the tax return arrives. For now plenty of window shopping.
I did look at sweaters..
There was this woman trying on coats meticulously in front of the only large mirror available. She was very snobby for someone buying used clothing at a thrift store, I guess its because everything she tried on looked awful on her and her companion, whoever he was didn't help matters much. Men shouldn't be bothered with opinions when it comes to what looks good on a woman.
I on the other hand had a small pile of lovely sweaters that I wish I could buy. I got them from the children's rack; did I mention the mirror is right next to this aisle. I was the only adult woman trying on sweaters here.
The woman gave me looks, first appalled, second jealousy. Whatever I tried on fit me beautifully, almost as if it were tailored to me. Her sweaters did not fit that way. I think it also didn't help that my husband was so vivid in opinions, whether genuine or not, he seemed to like my selections. I didn't get any of them, if they're here next week fine, if not, oh well..
Breakfast is not an issue, completely avoided.
Dinner is brought up on the way back home. I recall pork chops being thrown in the sink by me this morning on the way out from school.
"What are you going to eat?"
My husband asks me very oddly. I think he knows more than he leads on.
Ugh what do I want to eat? Not eat.
So I'm craving of course and it doesn't help that he's so willing to enable me. I really want meat. A huge greasy burger with bacon, yeah bacon! If it comes from a pig I'm eating it.
I want an egg too, an egg cooked over easy and placed on top of that greasy bacon cheeseburger. I want to bite into that burger and have yolk spill out everywhere smothering more goodness.
French fries and some cookies and coffee too. Wow.
I say all of this to him and he's happy to oblige.
We're killing time until 12 when this video store we always go to opens. Its 11:30 now.
I feel guilty of course; I'm wasting money eating and throwing it all up. If I had my own money then I wouldn't care, shit I'd be at buffet all by myself eating my ass off. That's not the case, instead I tell him how I feel.
I won't sugarcoat it, you know I will eat all of that and throw it up.
Instead I opt to make a chicken sandwich and fries; supplies that are already at home. I'm trying to be considerate. The truth is I hate asking this man for anything, he works I don't. I would be wasting his money. I just..fuck.
I wish I had money, my money. I hate having someone else flip the bill-hate!
The video store opens finally and we get three videos and head back home, I have to start cooking while he goes ahead and gets my daughter from school.
I make pork chops and white rice. I make the cookies and chicken sandwiches too.
I'm still craving eggs so I boil a few, I'm getting a new car next week so I'm reading the Auto Source magazine and yes I picked up the Divorce Mag too.
I had no idea such a publication existed. I wanted to make Chocolate Chip cookies, I got lazy suddenly and just plopped everything on the cookie sheet, the whole dessert turned into a giant cookie square.

The little green bowl is Ketchup/Mayo mix for the fries. yes I eat fries with mayonnaise and ketchup!

Giant gooey cookie; I'm a lazy fat ass sue me...

After my daughter is home, homework is done, dinner is consumed.
I go ahead and binge. The food has absolutely no taste. I added salt to everything and still nothing. I tasted nothing. The first few bites actually made my stomach hurt?
I ate and still nothing, I made coffee and it just upset me more. The food had absolutely no taste what so ever. I felt so full too. What is happening?
I ran to the bathroom and everything came up in an instant. I didn't even have time to undress as per my usual routine. I weigh naked and purge naked.
This time I didn't even have that luxury. Everything, bread, cookies, coffee, fries came up in such an instant it made my head spin.
Everything was so dissolved, usually there are things you could identify in purging, nope not this time. I think its because I didn't b/p for two days straight. All of the acid buildup made purging a breeze. I went ahead and undressed, then weighed.
104lbs.
Fuck.
I should be happy but I'm not. How could I be. Its like stumbling across a cure for Cancer and you have no idea how to duplicate it.
What did I do to lose?
Was it the 2 days no purging, is it because I just purged? I have no idea, is it a fluke even?
So I'm back on the bed exhausted and dizzy. I didn't drink any water today. I'm not even thirsty.
My daughter is enjoying spending time with her Dad, he gives into her demands so much. They are playing games on the computer and then playing makebelive.
I decide to purge again.
My chest is screaming and there is something really crunchy in my mouth as I bite down I realize it's a piece of tooth, a tiny chip from where I don't know. Out of frustration I start to feel like I want to cry but don't.
I find out today that my other uncle may be dying? His kidneys are failing. He's going on dialysis. When I lose I lose..
This family is like the Kennedy's? We're dropping like flies left and right.
Am I the next one to go?

Its 9pm and time for my daughter to go to bed. She knocks out quickly. I'm feeling really depressed and decide to drink. After and hour of this, my husband is drinking too, the same mundane topics are being rehashed. We're also browsing the car magazine. I'm to go car shopping next week. I have an idea of what I want but you never know what awaits you once you reach there. The night keeps dragging on, looking through Ikea catalogs and discussing possible purchases. The wine is settling my upset stomach. All the voices and fears of dying and worry over weight are muting. I think I can relax now.
I want to vent.
I want to talk about Bulimia, Anorexia, I want to talk about being cheated on. I want to talk about depression and Bi polar, mood swings, suicide. Why can't I?
Sometimes I feel like I'm a drag, like no one really wants to mention the big fat pink Lou elephant in the room. Just because you ignore something doesn't make it go away.
When is it a good time to ask-What's in all of this for you?
Are you waiting for me to die or do you just think this can all stop one day on it's own?
I decide to get it all out in the open.
I'm drinking because I'm incredibly depressed, frustrated and worthless. There is never a right time to talk about anything. The entire night turns into a huge fight, a back and forth of who's worth more.
I'm tired of waking up sad in the mornings, sometimes I can't understand how I'm awake at all?
I do not want to cry for no apparent reason, I'm tired of being mad at things that are gone with the rain and seasons. I feel pathetic and crazy.
I can't be some one's wife; I try my hardest just to be a mother, to put on the exhausting pretend show. I'm tired of caring about other people.
One minute we're looking at cars in a magazine, comparing prices and dealerships, the next we are both at an impasse.
It feels like a game of who matters the most?
"You think it doesn't break my heart to see you lock yourself in that bathroom, you think I can't hear you?" my husbands words slide off me like water off a duck's back. I can never see the sincerity in them. I think its because I've lost all respect for him. I think he's a liar and a slick fat cat.
"The things you say sometimes, the way you behave make me turn my head away because I know you're sick, if you could just get better then maybe we could move on. You could see how good things could be." he continues.
I raise my shirt and stand in front of him. I try my hardest to hide what I really look like. I'm disgusted with this body and ashamed of it.
Look; My spine as I bend over, more ribs now, my hip bones are trying to protrude too.
Does it look like I will get better?
He starts to sob, I hate the sound, not because I feel bad for him because to be honest I don't; it's because I don't believe his tears are genuine. I want an apology and he wants forgiveness. He says he is sorry for the affair, he says he didn't love her and he was frustrated in our marriage. That's cause for abandonment?
I don't forgive you. You're a liar and I don't trust you. I think you had fun for a year and then grew a conscience; now you're back because I'm so pathetic I've allowed it, and here you are.
Now we are each other's punishment. You want to be happy and move on, you're dragging me with you to that goal you strive so desperately to achieve. I'm in no condition to enjoy anything. I'm stuck with you and so I think I should just live whatever is left of this sad little life of mines.
After we continued the blame game and my wine is all finished, its 3am and I have to be up soon..
He goes into the other room and is checking ESPN for basketball highlight's.
I shake my head and cry. I don't matter, stupid stupid cow when will you learn?
I'm trying to blog now, finish this very post. He comes back and wants to talk some more. I'm done talking, I want to vent. I want to let this anguish out.
He keeps on talking about something that I cannot hear. His words don't reach me. I'm free once the clacking and clicking of the keyboard start, I am someone else, I think I may even be happy.
Finally after he keeps on with the saliva wasting, I ask him if the game is not on or if its too late for sports, he says boldly enough yes. Ah, I see why the bothering of me when I'm most serene. I tell him to go to bed, I'm done with discussions. I'm done with it all.
I've told him earlier this morning about how hard it is becoming for me lately, how strong the suicidal urges beckon to me. How I hate to think that way at all.
These are just words, la di da, la la la.
Then words they will stay, said and over with.
He goes to bed and I stay up and try to write again but I can't. Everything I start to type gets too personal and I don't want to scare anyone. I don't want worry. The only thing I can say now that it's another day and I am sober. Today I do not want recovery. I have no need for it.
I have all my binges planned for the day. Bacon, soft boiled eggs and waffles. Tuna sandwiches and baked potatoes, pasta primavera for dinner as well. I have a two litter of diet soda and plenty of juice to help wash everything down. I plan to go buy bread in a bit when the rain lets up, yes another rainy cold day. If I had money for more wine then I would buy some. I think I'll bake a cake too.
I plan to binge and purge all day long until I get fed up with it or my head and chest throb so much I have to shower and lay down.
I don't know what else to do or how to get better. I'll get a new car and more pretty things that don't fit in my house, I'll buy more clothes, smaller still and soon, my size zero jeans keep falling off of me. I'll ignore all advances and chances, like I did this morning as I rushed in the rain to drop my daughter off at the school's entrance ignoring a man who still tries to look me in the eye and maybe figure me out. I will just stay put and accept the inevitable.
This is today, tomorrow I may feel entirely different.
This is what it's like for me, what it's like when you have no control over your life, when you feel out of control.
I wish I could feel and be different, but I'm not no matter how hard I try, I'm always swimming against the current.

6 comments:

Eager Enid said...

I'm so sorry..I can only imagine how you're feeling right now. Please hang in there..

unbeautiful said...

I never really know what to say to you. I just firstly wanted to say that I am reading your posts, your feelings, your thoughts. It's good that you are expressing them in some way to someone. I am so sorry that you are feeling this down and out. I wish I could take your pain away. You don't deserve this. You deserve happiness. Please be safe. Be strong. Fight back.

Dylphe said...

1. I FUCKING LOVE the Dark Tower Series
2. I envy your access to thriftshops because GOD i miss goodwill we don't have that here

I'm sorry that it sucks right now, but it's good you're taking it day by day. don't you hate when you start something because you can control it and in the end it starts controling you and then you notice how you don't have any? yeah i know how you feel right now it's kinda like the world is living without me and i live in this bubble where things can enter but i can't go out, so i hope you can burst your bubble and take matters into your hands because i know you're strong enough...wow i think i just blogged on your blog, sorry but i want you to know i'm here for you even if it's only over cyberspace
MUAH
is it ironic that my word verification thing is trappi...i always get the strangest ones on your blog

small said...

I hope it helps to write, at least.

I am thinking of you.

Dani said...

mayb u shoudl try to get help hun u cant get better on ur own have u looked into hterapist or outpatient treatments or even inpatient and support groups
just becafeufl hun with althep ruging and ur chest apins

Mich said...

Be careful, luv. I wish I had good advice for you, but I've never really figured those feelings out for myself either. You've just to keep holding on.
Like the Wilson Phillips song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uIbXvaE39wM

Makes me feel better sometimes...

You are really a brilliant writer. Such a great voice. Do you write anything other than the blog? Throw yourself into writing--that's maybe the best advice I could give. It has saved me many times over. <3

xoxo