Saturday, January 29, 2011

Its a small world after all

I slept in this morning, no alarm waking me up for a workout. The room was cold and extra dark today.
I slept soundly last night. I think it has to do with the new bed sheets I bought. Nothing like sleeping in something new.

The kitties are liking it too

I got up and showered, didn't weigh just yet. My stomach feels bloated and achy. It's whatever I ate yesterday slowly digesting me thinks. I'm sure the Miralax is trying to kick in too.
Its too cold outside for me today, my knee is acting up again. The treadmill repair man has given me the run around again. Every time I think about this idiot makes my stomach knot up. Fine you don't want to fix it then return what you took, maybe I can find someone else to repair it. No not even that.
The random things that happen only to me. Its like I have a KICK ME! sign stuck to my back at all times I swear..
Time to weigh and of course its at 104lbs. I thought the damage would be worse. I guess it could go down again today, I keep telling myself that. It's just one pound, let's not have a breakdown Lou.
Today I want to go shopping. Originally I planned to go alone but as I got dressed everyone else in the house decided to tag along.
What a relief it is to find clothes that fit. I bought at least six pairs of skinny jeans and I found three nice jackets. One of em is a bomber jacket I got from Wetseal-love it.
My daughter got some light up Sketchers, she can't stop skipping now, I wonder how long those little lights will last if she keeps at that?
After shopping my daughter wants eggs, hubby suggests IHOP.
Oh boy.
I tell him to drop me off home, I do want to go of course but we all know what happens next.
"Just eat it and throw it up at home. Let's all have breakfast together." he simply says.
I offer to pay for my own food. He's not having any of that.
I wish I did because the truth is I would've ordered a lot. That wasn't in the cards though. Today's wait at the restaurant was a good twenty minutes. I was having an anxiety attack on the drive there. This happens all the time now. Dining out makes me freak out. My chest throbbed and my breathing was shallow. I tried to distract myself with the radio switching stations back and forth. I gave myself a pep talk. I even tried to imagine what I would binge on. What did I feel like having? Everything!
Inside and seated on the long burgundy bench, huddled closely together our little trio awaited. So many people here today, that didn't help the anxiety either. I get so paranoid, I imagine all eyes on me. What must they think of me. I'm wearing black jeans and a long sleeve tight top. I have a huge puffy jacket and a scarf even I'm so cold. You can't tell what my body looks like under this attire. Why am I so worried?
I watch the employees and try to imagine working here. The waitress flirts with the rather young looking manager. He bustles around ordering the other servers about, they comply but I saw a few sneers from one or two. The cooks merrily plopping large white plates full of food on the stainless steel window. Cashier's taking and making change. Bussers clearing tables slowly all of them with white earphones glued in their ears.
None of these people look like they have any trouble with eating. Why do I feel like the only one. Why can't I be like that waitress with the shiny hair, makeup and a huge smile. I bet she gets paid every week and heads to the movies. She orders popcorn and maybe a diet soda too. She'll enjoy the cinema and head back home to her nice apartment. Maybe she'll see her boyfriend later too. A nice sweet good looking guy who likes to hold her hand and tells her things like I missed you today or you make me happy.
She won't run to the bathroom and vomit to feel better about anything. She won't blow her paycheck on food. She won't be a loner or a loser. She's not me.
I don't know if I'll ever even have one iota of that life.
My name is called and we can finally be seated at a booth. I have no idea what I want. My husband orders steak and eggs, my daughter has a Rooty Tooty Jr.
All I know is that I want coffee and soda first. I order a ham breakfast sandwich thing and as the waitress leaves change my mind and opt for a turkey club and fries instead. She jots it down and I could swear she made a face. Hmm so sorry if your hand hurts from scratching that order out and rewriting something else.
You know that saying about being so comfortable with someone that there's no need to even talk, that's me and my husband. I just noticed that today. In the car we don't talk, at the restaurant, the chatter is mere sentences, at home forget it. I think we've run out of things to say to each other. I know there's nothing more to say. This is me, I'm not well. I'm in no position to do anything right now except get better. That life he wants back is dead. That woman is too. I'm the shell now.
Two cups of coffee and I'm feeling hot, my jacket comes off now and I have to pee. I don't want to get up and walk past the table in the corner that's full of women. I imagine comments on my appearance. Seeing as how I've left my diaper at home, I have no choice but to head to the bathroom.
I fidget in the bathroom and pick at myself. My hair and face are so dry. I think I look old and haggard. God I will never be happy, why can't I just like what I see? Why does no one else either?
The food is waiting for me when I got back. I'm glad I changed my order at the last minute, the sandwich was what I really wanted.
I'm really full, my daughter didn't eat all of her food and my husband and I look like vultures picking at the remains on her plate. Pancakes and more coffee, three cups of soda. I'm done, if I eat anymore I'll have to purge it at the restaurant's bathroom.
I turn the TV on in the living room at home and up the volume while I go purge. I get it all out and feel better. I go at it so hard I'm back down to 103lbs.
I feel lightheaded but that doesn't stop my mind from planning now on what's next. I dress and head back out to the market for dinner. I'm in the supermarket and after grabbing what I need, I head to the checkout. The lines are long as it seems only three cashiers today. I have eight items exactly so I opt for the speedy checkout line. I'm looking at the tabloid magazines when I look up and see them.
Two women, skinnier than me. They are brunettes and the same height. Their faces are sunken in and one of them upon closer inspection looks older than the other. The gaps between their thighs put me to shame. You'd think they were riding invisible horses its so wide.
Long sleeve shirts and in layers, looks like the uniform for Ed's.
They are carrying around a basket and only have one item to them each-fresh baby carrots.
I stare at them in wonder, my world just got a little smaller. The loneliness just got a little more bearable.
Seeing these two anorexic girls in public felt like that cliche of seeing a deer in the wild. Finally a face like mines staring back. My heart swells and I want to keep staring at them, befriend them even, say look over here fellow travelers I suffer too.
I don't of course, I'm too much of a chicken shit to do that. Instead I push my sleeves back and wave the Red Flag. The older looking one happens to turn her head in my direction and she does a double take. I stare at her and she smiles at me and looks down at my wrist. I glance at hers and she shakes her own wrist very non chalant, out from under her long sleeve a flicker or a red beaded bracelet. Now we are both smiling and she casually bumps her companion. The other turns and smiles too, she shakes the bag of carrots and makes a blah face as if to say ugh carrots for dinner again..
I'm next to pay and our silent acknowledgement is interrupted, they are paying too and are done heading out. They wave goodbye to me and head for the two exit's sliding glass doors. How lucky they are to have each other. Alone is never good.
By the time I get back home my husband is leaving to work. I cook dinner and purge four times today. I went over.
Now I feel sleepy, I'm really drained. My daughter is running a fever for some reason, I gave her medicine and she's out sleeping already. I hope this doesn't turn into one of those long sick nights. I'm sipping on water and Powerade now trying to feel better.
I'm thinking about those two girls still and what by chance brought them together?
Are they related or best friends, did they meet online and then in person?
Now they are together in their disorderd eating, motivating and feeding each other's sickness. That's both bad and good.
Wish I had someone here going through this, maybe I'd be different..
Do things really have to be so secret, why can't everyone wave more Red flags, where are all the people?
I know more of us are out there, am I not looking hard enough?
Why do I feel like The Last Unicorn?


Jenn said...


thanks for that

And that is SO COOL that you had that experience at the store "meeting" those pals. and the bracelets and everything! so special. I HAVE a red bracelet but I never wear it I feel like a poser. But maybe I'll start. I've almost earned it. :-)

XO my friend

Mich said...

I used to watch that movie EVERY DAY, sometimes multiple times a day!! So good. Have you read the book? It's excellent.


small said...

I rarely wear my red bracelet. Your post has made me decide to wear it more often. It would be neat to make that kind of a connection with someone IRL.

Smallasapanda said...

Wow, it really is a small world. Like a silent recognition between each other. At least you know you know other people are fighting the same battles.

I wish i could make everything better for you.

AKA 'Krystal' said...

i wear my bracelettes everywhere - yes i have more than one as u know! wish i would meet someone here as well it would be so nice to not be alone in this... well at least we have each other online when there is noone else...

Dylphe said...

that is one of the movies i HAVE to watch around christmas time.
i know how you're feeling. it's so lonely, the people that know don't know the depths of it so even though they know it's lonely. my friend who's mia is trying to recover so i don't want to bring it up. all i have is here. which is awesome though, just not the same.