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Sunday, January 2, 2011

Better

                                                                                  Mood:Relieved
Today is better.
The morning is met with problems being resolved.
My husband has actually come through for me. Maybe its guilt, maybe he's just trying to buy my love back, either way I'm in no position to turn down anything. I've never been comfortable using anyone before for anything, but looks like 2011 is the year to grow a pair.
My car is fixed, looks like it was something concerning the battery terminal cables. Practically free, not expensive at all to repair.
Treadmill is dead.
I feel lost, I don't know if its the OCD or what, but I had a routine that I lived by, now that working out is no longer incorporated into that, I feel chaos.
My mood is heavily affected because of that.
I sad heartily tell my husband its time to disassemble the treadmill, looking at the broken thing is making me suffer.
He goes ahead and starts analyzing the treadmill and reading the manual. I start to mention maybe purchasing an Elliptical sometime soon.
He suggests we look into repairing the treadmill as a last attempt.
Repair?
I google some shops and we make some calls.
Tomorrow morning a technician will stop by and is hopeful that the problem is both simple and cheap to repair. I and it should be running again in no time.
My sister jokes that I wore the poor machine out. I think maybe she's right..
So now that's two problems solved. Now if only getting rid of Mia were so simple. If there was a phone call or repairman to come and fix that problem for me.
I would love something that would just make me not want to eat, ease me out of Bulimia. The Oxy Elite Pro diet pills did that for a minute and I even lost in the beginning with them, but it seems my body acclimated to them and they lost their potency.
I want to try something else, but what?
An unexpected trip to GNC is made so early this morning and I get my wish. New pills to try, a new hopeful venture to help my battle against Mia.


Lipo 6 Black Hers.
There are good reviews I read online and I'm praying this works.
We shall see.
So far I've taken two and no craving. There are no tempting binge foods either here. I don't feel jittery or anxious. I feel excited. I'm cleaning and still plan to read later. Take it easy today before starting the week.
I'm going to print out my Resolutions and even print out some Thinspro to have on the fridge. I will try my hardest to get out of 112lbs this week. I have a headache so I've been drinking plenty of water and Power Ade Zero. I don't want to be dehydrated, I can't let myself get to that point again for obvious reasons, but also so it won't cause any further gain. Your body retains the water if there is not enough of course.
My game plan is set. I have to ride this positive wave while it lasts, before the next mood swing kicks in and I'm back down again.
In the back of my mind there's that voice that nags at me. I have to ignore that.
I have to ignore all triggering things if I'm to have a chance.
My brothers comments stayed with me this morning as I weighed and stared at my body in the mirror for what seems like hours. I feel fat, but its because I haven't been working out the way I want due to the treadmill's untimely demise. Its all in my head-I hope.
My sister made some comments to me yesterday that stuck with me too. I know she means well and its mostly me.
She made some cracks about my hair and the fact that I don't wear any makeup; I'm not girly, I have no idea how to be.
I like the LA Lakers, and I know some things about what goes on under the hood of a car, I wear pants and I don't like heels. I can stand in the makeup aisle and have no idea what does what. I curse like a sailor and drink like a fish. Hair and makeup are not my forte.
Suffice enough to say it made me feel self conscious about my looks.
My hair is thinning and my skin is pale, I can't change my complexion, I'm just pale like a Twilight vampire (yay Alice!)..
I also have Moon Face in some pics I took and uploaded on my Face Book.
"Moon Face" as I like to call it (sounds less degrading to me) instead of "Chipmunk Cheeks" is when the salivary glands permanently expand from throwing up so often.
I have that, boy is it not attractive. Its my FB profile pic that started the thing.


Moon Face

Today though, all the good things that just happened this very minute have made all the self esteem blockers take a back seat.
I need to accept and love myself (one of my resolutions).
This is me, take it or leave it.
I want to be more girly (another resolution) but I can't do that on my own, I'd look like a clown if I even try to give myself a makeover. Baby steps as I always say, one small change at a time if its going to stick.
I'll get there, just don't bust my chops in the meantime sis. It hasn't been an easy week, not to mention with the recent cheating confession from ball n chain, he did me dirty because I gained baby weight. That kind of malice does wonders for your self esteem!
So today some problems got resolved, many more still to overcome, but so far Sunday is good.
Husband has offered me a new car even..
He's been making moves lately to please me, guess he knows something big is about to happen. I think I may be one of the fortunate ones after all.
I suggested something to him. He agrees.
After my daughter was born he and I were regulars at church, we stopped going or rather he didn't want to go anymore on account of the affair, he preferred her company as opposed to the Lord's.
I told him I want to go back to church on Sundays.
For my sanity and his.
So here's what my day is shaping out to look like:

To Do List
Tarot Reading
Back to School Prep.
Lite Exercise (crunches and things..)
Read!
Soak in tub
Relax
Fight off Mia! (pooey Bulimia)


1 o'clock already..
Wish this day were half way gone. Fight Lou Fight!
Can't cave today.
I hope you all have a lovely Sunday.
I'll try to.

3 comments:

Lucie Love Heart said...

You look so pretty in your picture :) Love it x

Dylphe said...

you can do it. although i'm not religious i know church is a place that gives some people strength and a feeling of support so it sounds like a good idea. i love your picture!! don't ever feel bad for getting what you're getting from him you're not using him if he's offering!
stay strong
MUAH

mags said...

Sorry about your treadmill. You look georgous though! I love your new hair.
I'm sure if you want a "makeover" or someone to show you how to do makeup, you could find someone willing. A friend had to show ME how to use makeup a couple of years ago. I don't even always wear it or anything, but it's good to know how to do it I guess!

There's makeup tutorials on youtube too. Including a how-to on hello kitty painted nails, haha. because I know you like hello kitty (:

happy new year lou