Wednesday, January 19, 2011


Weight 105lbs.
Its back down again finally, I should be happier but I'm not.
The mood swings misplace emotions, I feel everything at the wrong time, happiness or content, not here now.
I just ate something and didn't purge. Safe food; crackers and cheese, drinking water too.
I stopped at 4 crackers and 2 slices of yellow sharp cheddar. I didn't even work out the calories, I was hungry and I ate it, no inner turmoil, no angst either.
Last night I drank again, two glasses of wine and I was on my ass. This was a different brand of wine than what I'm used to, 13% alcohol content and a screw on top!
I fell asleep, deep sleep. This morning the headache is with me and I try to recall the night before, did I behave?
I did, well as much as can be expected, I had a great time all by myself in bed in my drunker stupor. I read blogs galore, and then went on You Tube to drown myself in Vlogs. If I knew how to Vlog I would, I'd make one to say hi at least to you readers, a thank you for sticking around with my ramblings.
In bed, on my laptop I recall eating also, no huge drunken binge thank goodness, but I remember eating at least 10 saltines.
So now I see the pattern, its been creeping up on me again and I don't know why I never put the pieces together before.
I have a weight loss pattern.

Here is my best guess.

1) I lose weight quickly; Let's put for example one pound a day for maybe 5lbs -7 max.

2) Plateau or Maintain for a good one to two weeks.

3) Yo yo. I go up and down from those initial five pounds I lose.

4) Eat. I suddenly find myself eating again, doesn't matter how large or small the intake. I allow myself food. I digest things. Sometimes it will bother me like the other nights drunken binge that caused a gain. Or it will be okay like today.

5) Lose weight quickly again, same range up to 5lbs.

6) Repeat pattern.

It seems that's the only way I lose actual weight.
I lose, then eat for a few days sporadically. Its like my body forces me to eat at some point and I hold the current weight and nutrients. My body is gearing up for a major loss, it needs all the protein and sustenance it can. This is how I've been surviving, how I'm still standing and okay. I haven't had any health related scares again. The last time was the dehydration incident. The blood in vomit hasn't happenend anymore and I suspect that day was just scratches anyways.
So right now I'm going through the holding part again apparently, not budging from 105.
I guess this pattern isn't so bad, I have to just have patience and listen to my body when its hungry, actual hunger instead of just non stop b/p.
Today I'm having a salad too. I may purge this, not all of it, that's also part of the pattern. I start to get lazy with purging, I allow some to digest, don't get it all out.

The repairman called me and my treadmill is not ready (big surprise) the holiday delayed everything.
I'm going to have to ease back into jogging, good thing I still do all my other exercises or I'd be a complete lard ass by now. I really miss jogging, I love it.
I'd put my Ipod on and just go, get lost in other thoughts, fantasize about another kind of life, one of my choosing where there is no Ed or unfaithful husband. Where I'm employed and healthy, thin (not emaciated) and beautiful. I wish I could have that fantasy come true.
I escape in the run, I run away with my thinking as if I could actually catch up to it making it so..
The weather here is finally to the way I like it, 82 degrees and sunny. No more cold! I hope it stays this way.
The drive to school this morning was pleasant, I saw my crush today and he's growing out a beard. It looks good on him, makes him look cocky. I wonder why the change? Maybe the New year is changing us all.
I feel like I want to drink again tonight, I really shouldn't but I can't help that craving. The last thing I want to do is contribute to those statistics that say Ed and substance abuse go hand in hand, its bad enough I'm already tied to the abuse one. Wonder how many of us are tied in these numbers, are we all just one giant Pattern ourselves?

Percentages and similarities?

1 in 5 women struggle with an eating disorder or disordered eating.

72% of alcoholic women younger than 30 also have eating disorders.

It is estimated that up to 62% of females who participate in "appearance sports" such as gymnastics, figure skating, dancing, and diving are suffering from an active eating disorder like Anorexia, Bulimia or Compulsive Overeating.

Five to ten percent of anorexics die within ten years of onset, 18-20 percent die within twenty years of onset, and only 50 percent report ever being cured.

A young woman with an Eating Disorder is 12 times more likely to die than other women her age without one.

Up to 19% of college aged women in America are bulimic.

Only 1 in 10 people with eating disorders receive treatment.

The average woman is 5'4" and weighs 140 pounds. The average model is 5'11" and weighs 117 pounds. Most fashion models are thinner than 98% of American women

Men constitute 40% of those exhibiting Binge Eating Disorder

8 million people with eating disorders in the US and 1 million of them are boys

Approximately 50 percent of anorexics will develop bulimia or bulimic behaviors.

It is reported that Sexual abuse or Rape trauma are linked to Bulimia sufferers.

70 percent of all bulimics also suffer from moderate to severe depression.

64 percent of all bulimics have a near-normal body weight.

Children of mothers that diet are more likely to develop eating disorders like bulimia.

Disorders occur during times of stress or transition
Family history of the behaviors
Low self esteem
History of abuse
Family Dysfunction
Unhealthy peer pressure
Susceptibility to messages from others
Common Brain Chemistry
Compulsive behavior
Social Isolation
Mood altering effects


small said...

I can't believe it's 82 wonderful that would be. I have to tote a little space heater from room to room with me...I cannot get warm, even in the spring (I am ok in the summer until I step into an air-conditioned building, then I get cold all over again.)

Are you still taking questions? I didn't ask the first go-round but I've thought of one!


mags said...

Your statistics scare me, honestly. I now bet that if anyone were to find out about my eating habits, I wouldd actually be diagnosed with an ED.
Because too much of this matches me.
I'm college-aged. I've binged and purged plenty, though I started out restricting. Sexual abuse/ rape trauma? That one is almost too scary. I have bipolar, which is half depression. I have an "average" body weight. AND my mom has restricted several times in her life. Thanks for sharing those.

& girl, you must be a lightweight. When I drink, I take shots. 9 shots of Captain will have me where I wanna be, haha.

jadedchalice said...

im proud of you. I think you know why. Your being so brutally honest with yourself and your dont want to hurt yourself, you are trying to ease your pain and control what you least i think so.

You are a beautiful beautiful girl. im not just saying that you really are. I hope one day you see it a little more.

I hope you try to give your self a little deserve it, and so much better.

Be Well

Your friend


Emily, said...

Those statistics are horrifying, but it's not going to stop anyone from an ED, and wanting to reach their GW.

Dylphe said...

god i hate when the laziness sets in with purging. you're hunched over the toilet thinking meh do i really want to purge right now when the other voice is cheering you on like rowdy college boys "PURGE, PURGE, PURGE" so annoying.
figuring out the pattern is great, i need to do that. why do i keep fucking up around this weight. hmm....
the statistics are crazy, i'm slipping back into substance abuse too but with weed. it's kinda scaring me i can deal with it as long as i don't spend any money on this. i hope i don't feel the need to buy any.
i need to start up therapy again