Thursday, January 27, 2011

Drink the Agua

Yesterday was bad.
I went at it three times, I can't go over that number. I can't get out of control again. I want to actually set a goal of three days no b/p if I can pull it off. It will be hard of course, I'm trying to ween myself off of Mia and that's always difficult when you do it alone. I have no one in my corner, not even myself. Maybe I shouldn't try so hard, maybe I should just be. I don't know what I want anymore. The closer I get to 100lbs now, the less excited I am. It doesn't feel like before, the desperation is leaving me. I even had a flicker of hope that maybe 100lbs could be enough for me, maybe I should just get there and try to maintain. Would that be so bad?
Everyday I get more exhausted, I'm tired of fighting myself, I don't want to hurt myself. This is all I've become and all I know now. How can I change that and actually stop. I get triggered and then binge, I eat all the bad, more and more until I can't even move, then purge; throw out all the emotions, the negativity, the hurt. Sometimes it works like a charm and I'm relieved, the problem is gone momentarily, of course that doesn't happen always. The majority of times I do it to as punishment, I get triggered and take it out on myself instead. I'm not in a good place, I can't get anything right.
I was in a self loathing mood yesterday.
Nothing made me feel better of course, I only knew how to make it worse.
I was chatting with a good friend of mines and she made a comment to me; she said that "good things come in 3's.."
I was binging early after dropping my daughter off at school. I began calling my insurance provider just to see what was the holdup, where is this magical card that is suppose to fix everything. If it wasn't coming by next month I was ready to give up on it all. I was already having suicidal thoughts, I don't think I would ever act on them to be honest, although what I'm doing is a form of  unintentional slow suicide.
I finally got through after almost an hour wait. How frustrating and discouraging, I kept calling and getting transferred or disconnected. Yes a real person, no more automated system, now explain to me like I'm a five year old what is happening with my insurance?
Apparently I was waiting for an insurance card that was never going to come in the mail. To top that off I was under some plan that required me to pay out of pocket for each visit every month.
I explained myself to the representative and they kindly worked with me to fix the problem. I just needed to submit a notarized letter about my current income and that was it, problem fixed full coverage insurance after that Gold Card in the mail.
I had to purge next; the purging is becoming easier, I can get in and out quicker now, maybe its because I'm caring less about what happens to me. In any case I go and weigh and wouldn't you know 103lbs. Has to be a fluke.
Third b/p session and weight still at 103lbs. So I guess that makes good news number 2?
I call and call the repairman, still no treadmill. He won't even answer my calls. I feel like I'm being taken for a ride. I'm pissed. I hate that he took things out of the treadmill. I don't want to really believe I'm being swindled, but c'mon what is going here?
As the night rolls along, the sudden dizziness does too. I go to bed early and awake at 1am and go to the bathroom, vertigo as I get up and walk around. I'm dizzy still.
This morning same thing. I'm dehydrated big time.
I'm to that stage again where liquids scare me. I know I have to drink water and some Powerade, but I just don't want to.
I have to drive carefully to school, I feel bad. I hate it when I'm already dressed and ready to go to school and my husband would pop his head from under the blankets like a groundhog scared of it's shadow.
"Do you want me to take her to school?" he asks and it makes me see red.
When you want to take her to school, set the alarm, dress her, feed her and leave me sleeping, do that when you want to take her to school. Until that happens I believe the answer is no precious, keep sleeping in. Why wait until I drag my tired body out of bed in the cold morning and do all of that. Why even ask?
I hate feeling so dizzy, my chest is tight too. My throat is sore as I've managed to scratch it good yesterday.
Today I don't know what I feel. I just know that I have to drink something and get better or I'll pass out somewhere.
On the drive back home I am freezing and the pains are unbearable. My scalp is dry and itchy. I'm falling apart at the seams.
The house is warm and I crawl back into bed for a minute to catch my breath. The room is spinning and I notice my nail beds are purple today.

Google, because I google everything, and according to Natural Heath Techniques
Purple: Oxygen deprivation, circulatory problems, congenital problems.
Hmm I don't know which of the three pertain to me, I'll guess circulatory and blame it on the fact that my treadmill is kaput and I'm no longer jogging.
I wonder just how sick am I?
I don't look it and that's what scares me.
I run one more errand before trying to sleep for an hour at least. The dizziness stops finally and I close my eyes and hope it lasts.
When it's time to get my daughter from school my husband notices how bad I really feel.
"Why don't you try to not throw up so much?" he says while trying to bring me in for a hug, trying to grab me.
I don't like him touching me, I don't like him lately period. I even sleep with a pillow between us.
I think its a little too late to ask me to stop. I wouldn't even know how.
I explain how misreable I am, that the only way I can truly be happy requires me to disrupt everything and hurt others. I don't know if he realizes he is a huge trigger and part of the problem. He says he loves me; do you love me enough to let me go so I can get better?
I think not.
The dizziness is back and I feel like a panic attack wants to happen because of it. I need to drink something I can't get over this any other way.
After my daughter is picked up from school, we head to the grocery to buy Gatorade. My husband pops out the car quickly before I even have a chance to get out, it dawns on me he doesn't want me to come along.
Ah, is this his attempt at not buying anything additional?
I feel hurt and mad, worried too because I have to drink all those calories. My eyes get watery and my chest burns. It feels like the opposite of a menthol rub.
I try my best not to cry. I can't help the sadness that's coming and I gulp and gulp and swallow the hurt back inside.
He's back with the largest Gatorade bottle they had. I don't want to even think about how many calories yet. How much do I have to drink before I feel better? How much is this going to up my weight?
"Now why are you crying? Just drink it dam." he barks at me.
No clue. You help create the monster and then whip out the pitchfork when it suits you-Bad monster! How dare you not act as I command?
He hurt my feelings, I feel like a freak.
I start to think about what am I going to even make for dinner, there's no more meat in the house. I think there's pasta..
I'll figure something out for dinner, not that he cares, I'm not the only soul in the house after all. There's a little girl in the backseat who eats too.
I'm dropped off home and I don't even say goodbye to him. I detest him at times, more now lately than usual.
The gatorade is shoved to the back of the fridge and I start dinner, pasta it is.
I don't binge on it. Instead I make a small soup, something hot for these aches. I don't binge anymore today. I start sipping the water.
The phone rings an hour later and I'm told the tax return money is here.
Good news number 3?
So now what do I do? I don't really want to b/p anymore today. I'm at 103 still and dizzy.
I start to drink Gatorade and sip water. I eat two bananas and take some more supplements. I feel full, incredibly full, so much so I want to purge. I can't, I need to just let this be. Digest dam you!
I start to clean the house really really well. I figure I'll be up early tomorrow shopping, spending some of this income tax return on things for the house at least. I should leave this palce nice and neat, it's a great distraction so far.
I still feel full and I'm actually craving eggs. I'm blogging now to distract myself further, after this Youtube till I start to feel drowsy and nod off.
Tomorrow should be better I pray. I don't want to weigh, I'll try not to weigh in the morning either.
I even took my Christmas Tree and any Xmas decor down earlier to keep me busy.
Yes I still had a tree up.
Ugh only 10pm. Gonna be a long weekend, hope I feel better soon.
Night to you all.


jadedchalice said...

Im worried about you, but i am proud of you for recognizing the need to stop B/P and trying to do other things to distract yourself when you want to. I dont want to downplay what your going through, but I believe in you. I hope you will too.


small said...

You said, "Do you love me enough to let me go so I can get better?"

Have you said these words to him? They are very powerful.