Saturday, January 1, 2011

New Year's Day

2011 here we are finally.
So far I'm not impressed.
Last night hubby and I fought like cats and dogs-he told me all the gory details of his affair.
Now I know it all, I thought it would make me feel better, turns out it doesn't.
It hurts all over again four years later, I don't know anymore. I'm pissed and sad all at once. I'm in mourning still and now that the new year is here I have tough decisions to make.
My car is dead, the treadmill kicked the bucket too. Unemployed, broke and still no insurance card in the mail. What a start to the year, I want something to change this month.
My older brother came to visit me today,  he brought me a souvenir from his trip to Jamaica; its a T-shirt, I like it.
 I thought I would have to worry about my weight, that he would make a stink about it or lecture me, turns out the opposite.
"You stopped dieting right?" my older brother says to me staring directly at my stomach.
Is the fat from my stomach that noticeable, or is the 112 too much?
I feel like a hippo as it is, now everyone sees this too.
God how triggering. I need to lose this weight fast, I've wasted all of November and December at this weight. I'm done with 112!
I tell him that I'm not on a diet, I have an Ed. All my traumas have manifested into this. I continue my explanation.
I don't eat, if I do eat-purge.
No comment on this revelation, I could have told him I have a penis and still have gotten the same reaction, which is no reaction whatsoever.

He proceeds to tell me to not lose any more weight or I'll look like Nicole Richie when she got really thin once.

I think making a joke was his way of easing the now awkwardness in the room..
We drop the subject. My brother is very quiet, he takes things in and you never really know how anything affects him. I've said my peace.
My husband is gone during this visit, he and my daughter are at the grocery store buying things for dinner. The truth is my husband avoids my older brother, he feels ashamed about his infidelity.
There is an odd tension when these two are in the same room. An unspoken dislike for each other. My brother may not say much, but to me looks like he's picked a side; my side.
I went most of the day without binging, I had a horrible headache and was craving meat like you wouldn't believe, guess maybe my Iron's low. Once my visitor was gone, I caved.
Is it so wrong to feel sad or miserable?
Why should your melancholy bother other people?
Sometimes when I feel like this I just want to avoid everyone, because apparently they don't want to hear it. So I'm dammed if I do, and dammed if I don't.
Excuse me if I'm not a ray of sunshine, I have a lot on my mind.
Most people who are doing well forget what it's like to worry or struggle, so naturally when it happens to someone else they are quick to dismiss you.

Tomorrow will be different. I'm taking a personal day. I'm going to sleep in and then read all day.
I don't want to think about cheating husbands, broken exercise equipment, dead cars, food or the limbo that I'm in.
I want to get absorbed in fiction. Plot, conflict, resolution.
I need rest, Monday is back to school and that means getting up way too early.
Hope my car is fixed by then.

Looking forward to the routine again, and hoping that any change is both positive and life changing.
I'm ready to tackle some of those resolutions..
2011 will be the year for change, big ones.


Anonymous said...

i'm sorry you're feeling like this, a personal day sounds like it will be good for you; don't forget a nice long soak in the tub. i'm sure you brother wasn't indicating you were fat when he made that comment, men have a way with words is all. but you should know that better than anyone, your husband is a gigantic a-hole! i hope one day you recover from all the damage he has inflicted.
take care hun and enjoy your day :) x

*Broken* said...

A day to do wathever you want it may cheer you up sweetie
I´m sure your brother wasn´t saying you were fat, he was just talking, men don´t usually are the most sensitive persons so try not talking it too personaly
I´m sure things will change and you´ll feel a lot better =)