Friday, January 21, 2011

Arm Candy

Yesterday was brutal yet I managed to make it through another day..
I didn't binge and purge...on food. I did binge on wine instead.
I managed to hold off all day. Distractions, exercises, multiple showers and I even prepped tonight's dinner in advance. I figured if I could just hold off and not eat I would be okay, later on I could drink and then fall asleep and avoid Mia completely. That was my well executed plan. The second I wanted to give in and cave, and was so close to by mere minutes, something out of the ordinary happened.
My oldest brother calls and stopped by for a late visit. He never comes by so late. He was going to be in the neighborhood and wanted to stop by and see me. I was saved. I waited almost a full two hours in anguish for his arrival, craving and imagining what I would eat. I wanted to binge so badly on anything, everything. He took so long to come and his phone was off, where is he?
 He finally arrives at my place carrying a large white bag. A souvenir I think as he's just returned from Philadelphia. I was half right.
My brother has brought me a case of Vanilla Ensure and  several Boxes of Cup of Noodles Soup.

He did bring me a souvenir also, A Liberty Bell, I love it.
I have a small collection of souvenirs from places in a box, I'll add this there too. The other things were definitely unexpected. My brother stayed late with me, we talked about this and that. Finally after he leaves much much later, the craving is gone and I just want to drink.
I stay up late and this time pace myself, cup after cup after cup. Its a binge of another kind. I stay up late and catch up on Blogs, Vlogs and gossip. Read threads on Forums and comment. Facebook and even looked at Porn; the Food Variety not the nasty hankey pankey kind. I was looking at Recepies and Kitchenware. I didn't have a drunken food binge which was amazing. This morning my head is pounding of course. I still managed to get up and squeeze in some pushups and crunches before a very hot shower. My knee has been in protest all week, I have no idea why. I miss my treadmill. Repaiman says Monday now. Its taking forever, my treadmill is turning into a giant coat rack as we speak.
Today I'm suppose to meet my husband's boss at work. He's been after me for awhile now. For some reason our meeting has been put off. I'm nervous to meet him, my husband gushes over this man so much. He admires him.
I'm worried that he'll take a good look at me and think I'm too skinny, maybe even sick looking? That he would say this is his wife? I wonder if I should dress in layers. I don't know why I'm so worried about what this stranger I've never met in actual person would think of me. I guess I just want him to like me, to think that everything is okay from the outside. To keep up the pretending, we're "happily married" instead of separating and on the cuffs of a breaking point.
I shower and wash away any anxiety. My weight is up thanks to all the alcohol, 105.6lbs, I hope I piss most of this away today. I stare at my body and notice my ribs are visible from the side more, not just the front now. That's new.
I decide to just be me, this is something I've been trying out, to just accept my looks, my scrawny mishapen body, short thinning hair and awkward shy demeanor. Take me as I am or watch me as I go.
I wear a long sleeve baby pink shirt, tight fitting and I like it. If I raise my arms my ribs are visible. Skinny blue jeans and my toning shoes. My hair is clean and done, mascara, eyeliner, eyeshadow and lip gloss applied. Perfume on and I think I look okay. My daughter is made out extra cute today. We're ready to go.
In the car and my daughter is singing along with the radio, my husband bops his head to the melody and there isn't a peep outta me. You know I don't sing.
"Look at me." I turn my head in my husband's direction and he nods his head in approval, he smiles.
"You look good today, your skin is so clear and you look rested. I guess the wine is helping you sleep huh?" he comments.
Yeah it really helps. I feel rested.
In the wet parking lot now and this trio is out the car and headed inside the empty restaurant.
My husband's smile is huge and he proudly introduces his wife and daughter to the employed masses.
The first person I run into and immediately recognize is Emma, an older woman from Barbados who I've known for some years and ran into just a few months back. She is astonished to see me.
"No! That's not you, where's that other girl at. I can't beleive this is the same girl I just saw." she exclaims loudly hugging me and spinning me around in a showroom fashion.
My face is red. She drags another familiar face over and the gushing begins again. Now the questions, how did I lose all the weight?
I use the familiar company lines-exercise, watch what I eat, the Dr. put me on a diet, etc.
I'm handed over again to more people in the kitchen. Men, so many men, all of them wide eyed. I feel flushed, suddenly my usually cold body feels hot and fatugued. My long sleeve shirt feels like a parka. A panic attack is trying to come over me. Too many people, too many hugs and handshakes. Everyone is staring at me and I realise that I haven't stopped smiling since I first set foot in this place, my cheeks are red and sore. I've never been lavished with so much positive attention before. My daughter is eating up all the attention, she likes meeting new people. Thank God she is the opposite of me, she will be normal, a social butterfly.
Finally I'm towed to the back office and meet Adam, the Brittish wonder. He's tall and average built, a head full of soft auburn curls that match his bearded face and eyes. He is very posh and shy for some reason. According to my husband he is nervous?
I didn't think I was capable of making one nervous. Its rave reviews for my husband.
"He is a hard worker, we couldn't manage with em." his Boss tells me.
I love this man's accent, I could listen to him recite the phonebook. Instead he talks to my daughter and she is all smiles. She can melt icebergs. All in all a successful first meeting. Now we have to head back out the way we came. I'm feeling the lightheadedness again, so many people all smiles and praises. Everyone seems to really like me. I say goodbye to the sea of faces and I've forgotten all of their names already. I'm feeling very flustered now, I need air, I need to see the outside of this establishment now before I faint.
I feel like a trophy wife, arm candy. No one at this job knows about us, we are the happy couple and baby makes three. I feel sad for him, he's trying so hard to get back the time that was lost, my time that was stolen. Life doesn't work that way. I feel defeated and awful, he's not a bad man, he's just made really bad choices. I look at him and feel nothing, the love is gone, all that's left is a complacent demure. How can I stay in a loveless marriage? How many more years will I have to roll over and play dead.
My daughter wants breakfast and Dunkin Donuts is across the street. I have a large coffee and feel better. Afterwards more errands.
Now at home and the crockpot's smell fills the house. I make white rice to accompany the chicken. I think I want to drink again tonight. Before when the Ed first started and was in full swing, I would self medicate the anxiety and any chest pains that lingered throughout the day with alcohol of any kind. Now it feels much the same. I think I'll binge and purge and later drink the rest of the night away. I'll keep my Yahoo Messenger open in case I'm needed for a chat, a drunken typo filled chat, but I'm there when it counts.
This is Friday so far, feeling no aches or pains, a little hungover still, but happy.
Hope you all are enjoying the day too.


Annie said...

i liked this:
"Take me as I am or watch me as I go"

i had a good day. im glad your day was good. :)
i got to see my mom today. the first time in nearly 4 months.

small said...

^^^ Annie, that jumped out at me as well. I'm going to put it in my Quote Journal.

Lou, you're going to have to have a party when you finally get the treadmill back!