Saturday, January 8, 2011


Weight 109lbs.
Well it starts.
Today I purged blood.
A small binge too, not nearly as much as what I'm used to.
Just a quickie to settle the craving, I had an hour to myself alone today, while my husband took my daughter to the park, not out of character for him except that he only does that on his days off and later on today he works. Weird Saturday start. I was alone earlier than I'd liked.
So now let's try to rationalize this, because I'm not well and neither is my mindset.
The inside of my mouth is inflamed and red, my gums swollen, sore. "Moonface" today, my glands hurt to the touch.
My nails sharp and long, I was planning a manicure before I began the b/p cycle for today, but like I said I went ahead and took advantage of the time alone.
Could I have maybe scratched my already inflamed interior?
Or is the simplicity of no pains and warning signs the real culprit. What have I ruptured?
You know what the fucked up part about all of this is?

I kept thinking the following:
1) Shit gotta purge all of this out regardless of how much blood comes out, gotta get back down to 109 cus I just made it back there again..
2)Dam, this may slow me down from reaching my goal as quickly as I like.
3)I'm so close to my goal, this is not going to stop me.
4)I'm not done b/p for today.

Actual reasons for said blood purge..

Stomach ulceration (bulimia)
A peptic ulcer refers to an area of the stomach or duodenal lining (the tube that leads away from the stomach) that becomes eroded by stomach acid. These are known as stomach and duodenal ulcers, collectively known as peptic ulcers. The symptoms can vary, with some people not noticing anything out of the ordinary but others may vomit blood and experience abdomen or chest pains. The pain is usually increased when the individual eats or drinks. Peptic ulcers can be serious and need immediate attention if you are vomiting blood or passing digested blood in your stools.

Inflammation & rupture of the esophagus (bulimia)

Stomach acid irritates the esophagus, causing inflammation and raw areas, sometimes making swallowing painful. Of greater concern is a rupture of the esophagus because this can be fatal in some cases. A Mallory-Weiss Tear is the technical term for the rupture or tearing of the mucous membrane of the esophagus at its junction with the stomach. Repeated vomiting, although it is possible for it to occur after just one purging episode, can lead to a tear of the esophagus. The sufferer will have bright red blood in their vomit. Although a tear often heals itself after a few days, this is not always the case. Consult a doctor if you or a loved one is vomiting blood.


Well there you have it.
So now its a race, a race to the finish line.
My drive against my body. I want to get to that point where I'm comfortable with a specific weight, my body wants me to stop or it will.
Its shutting down on me. My head hurts really bad right now and its getting me in a foul mood. I'm starting to get snappy.
The headache is a side effect from the diet pills, my head aches all day and night no matter how many aspirin I pop.
Do I stop today or not?
I have no plans to stop today actually. I'm past that point where things like blood in vomit, teeth and hair falling out scare me. My desires go beyond my safety. I'm too triggered today also, the hubby is incredibly annoying and inappropriate this morning. He didn't get the memo that says I'd rather eat glass than be affectionate or receive affection from him.
If he wants anything from me, he'll have to pay me. I'm tired of this. Day in and out the same faces and routines, the same meals, conversations and places. I'm constantly looking at the clock and calender wondering when will something finally budge?
I can't wait for my insurance card to come in the mail, I want out of this mind already or rather back in..
I need to be desensitized and heavily sedated already. I want to vent and release. I want to finally let it all out and have someone else tell me, I understand and its okay, you're justified in feeling all of this and behaving the way you do.  We'll find a way to make it all better.
I want to recover, but not yet. Not Today or before that number on the scale says what I want first.
I just hope I'll be fine in the meantime, keep beating this dead horse to the finish line.


Dylphe said...

i hope the bloods nothing serious i've had blood in my vomit but i think i just scratched the back of my throat. it's not constant just i just keep the bathroom dark and don't look.
i hope your insurance card comes soon as well because you need it. my purging was less triggered more planned when i started taking my meds. more a precautionary matter because i was made to eat. it wasn't a compulsion. i hope everything works out!!!
stay strong hun
you're in my thoughts

mags said...

You're so strong, Lou.

I'll be thinking of you, and I hope to G-d you heal soon enough. Maybe you should lay off of b/p for as long as you possibly can. I know it's part of who you are now, but all of this binging and purging is taking a dangerous toll on your body. I really hope you heal from this. You deserve to heal.

Vanessa said...

Oh sweetheart, you are such a strong person and I always look forward to reading your blog. Please take care of yourself and do the best thing for you and your daughter.

Maybe you could limit yourself to once or twice a day? Or what if you binged on low-cal foods, and then burned off the excess with cardio (which might even perk up your metabolism)?

You know yourself better than I do, and I'm sure that you'll ultimately use your free will regardless of what people say in these comments... I guess I really just want to say that you don't deserve to suffer like this.

You are strong, beautiful, and powerful. You deserve so much more than you're allowing yourself to have at the moment... I look forward to the day when you come on Blogger and say that you've gotten rid of the negative influences in your life and are finally happy.

I'm here to talk, and listen.
Take care,

*Broken* said...

I´ve vomited blood but I think I scratched my throat
You should stop the b/p for a while, I know how hard it is but I don´t want anything bad happening to you
Take care

Anonymous said...

this makes me angry, but mostly extremely concerned for your safety. i know what you mean when your immediate thoughts are to finish purging, i get that. but you needed to have gone to the hospital. i just hope you take care of yourself.