Blood

                                                                                    Mood:Numb
Weight 109lbs.
Well it starts.
Today I purged blood.
A small binge too, not nearly as much as what I'm used to.
Just a quickie to settle the craving, I had an hour to myself alone today, while my husband took my daughter to the park, not out of character for him except that he only does that on his days off and later on today he works. Weird Saturday start. I was alone earlier than I'd liked.
So now let's try to rationalize this, because I'm not well and neither is my mindset.
The inside of my mouth is inflamed and red, my gums swollen, sore. "Moonface" today, my glands hurt to the touch.
My nails sharp and long, I was planning a manicure before I began the b/p cycle for today, but like I said I went ahead and took advantage of the time alone.
Could I have maybe scratched my already inflamed interior?
Or is the simplicity of no pains and warning signs the real culprit. What have I ruptured?
You know what the fucked up part about all of this is?

I kept thinking the following:
1) Shit gotta purge all of this out regardless of how much blood comes out, gotta get back down to 109 cus I just made it back there again..
2)Dam, this may slow me down from reaching my goal as quickly as I like.
3)I'm so close to my goal, this is not going to stop me.
4)I'm not done b/p for today.

Actual reasons for said blood purge..



Stomach ulceration (bulimia)

A peptic ulcer refers to an area of the stomach or duodenal lining (the tube that leads away from the stomach) that becomes eroded by stomach acid. These are known as stomach and duodenal ulcers, collectively known as peptic ulcers. The symptoms can vary, with some people not noticing anything out of the ordinary but others may vomit blood and experience abdomen or chest pains. The pain is usually increased when the individual eats or drinks. Peptic ulcers can be serious and need immediate attention if you are vomiting blood or passing digested blood in your stools.

Inflammation & rupture of the esophagus (bulimia)

Stomach acid irritates the esophagus, causing inflammation and raw areas, sometimes making swallowing painful. Of greater concern is a rupture of the esophagus because this can be fatal in some cases. A Mallory-Weiss Tear is the technical term for the rupture or tearing of the mucous membrane of the esophagus at its junction with the stomach. Repeated vomiting, although it is possible for it to occur after just one purging episode, can lead to a tear of the esophagus. The sufferer will have bright red blood in their vomit. Although a tear often heals itself after a few days, this is not always the case. Consult a doctor if you or a loved one is vomiting blood.

 

Well there you have it.
So now its a race, a race to the finish line.
My drive against my body. I want to get to that point where I'm comfortable with a specific weight, my body wants me to stop or it will.
Its shutting down on me. My head hurts really bad right now and its getting me in a foul mood. I'm starting to get snappy.
The headache is a side effect from the diet pills, my head aches all day and night no matter how many aspirin I pop.
Do I stop today or not?
I have no plans to stop today actually. I'm past that point where things like blood in vomit, teeth and hair falling out scare me. My desires go beyond my safety. I'm too triggered today also, the hubby is incredibly annoying and inappropriate this morning. He didn't get the memo that says I'd rather eat glass than be affectionate or receive affection from him.
If he wants anything from me, he'll have to pay me. I'm tired of this. Day in and out the same faces and routines, the same meals, conversations and places. I'm constantly looking at the clock and calender wondering when will something finally budge?
I can't wait for my insurance card to come in the mail, I want out of this mind already or rather back in..
I need to be desensitized and heavily sedated already. I want to vent and release. I want to finally let it all out and have someone else tell me, I understand and its okay, you're justified in feeling all of this and behaving the way you do.  We'll find a way to make it all better.
I want to recover, but not yet. Not Today or before that number on the scale says what I want first.
I just hope I'll be fine in the meantime, keep beating this dead horse to the finish line.