Sunday, January 9, 2011

Don't Rain on My Parade

So today is The Three Kings Parade.
I live about two blocks away from where the festival is held annually. I actually forgot all about it really, but I had to run an errand earlier and then saw the crowds walking my neighborhood. The neighbors with large homemade signs flagging down cars in an attempt to make money parking. Vendors walking around selling water and flowers, my own neighbor from across the hall selling watches and nicknack's from her little car's trunk. Everyone taking this Sunday in stride. How could I forget this day at all?

My daughter, husband and I ended up spending some time at the parade before continuing onward to the Family Dollar store.
The traffic was bad maneuvering out onto the main avenue and I'm sure the minute we return our parking space will be unavailable, for sale no doubt, an overpriced piece of lot.
At the store now and buying what we need I spy the hygienic section and stare at the lax. I'm not doing that anymore, not to say never, but not while on these pills.
So far they have been a miracle and I'm afraid any intervening from a laxative might mess that up for me.
I feel backed up, sure I've had a bowel movement or two, but its a pitiful attempt to say the least. Metamucil is what I have in my Ed pantry or was. The last time I took it, it did nothing, 45 calories consumed in haste. Now that bottle lies in the dumpster somewhere as I've thrown it out. I've heard great things about Miralax so that's what I spot next.
Yikes six dollars for a very small bottle. I didn't realize shit cost so much..
"What are you looking at?" my husband asks with a curious smile.
I was looking at the Miralax I explain to him, and continue to elaborate on what it does.
"Six dollars for that little thing, I could just buy you six laxatives at the other dollar store instead." he says very nonchalant.
I'm amazed at this, he usually makes a face whenever the word laxative is brought up. Looks like he's coming around. He's getting hip to the lingo and living.

So last night, I was online and this friend of mine IM me on Yahoo Messenger. I can understand concern but a personal attack on who I am and what I'm going through isn't the way to get through to me.
The things he said to me last night left me drained and upset, I didn't sleep well at all. He made me feel shallow and ugly, ridiculous.
He doesn't understand me  or what I'm going through, and there's no way I can explain it to him or anyone really. You're either in the know or you're not..
Today I tried to feel better, woke up this morning and weighed.
108lbs. I tried my best to not b/p for the major part of the afternoon. Almost made it too.
I had to make dinner, my daughter wanted breakfast for dinner, twas the blueberry pancakes that got me.
I went ahead and only b/p 1x. No blood or pain purging. I weighed after finally finishing and wouldn't you know-107lbs..
I took another diet pill and marveled at how easy it is now when two months ago the struggle to drop any ounce of weight felt impossible and discouraging.
I hope to reach 100 soon (hope) and see what then. If I'm in therapy by then, I need to be careful, like I've said before I do want recovery from this, but I need the other things fixed first. If its all about the Ed then the real underlining problems will get swept under the rug as they have been all these years already. I can't have that. If I can feign a "normal" weight by means of layering clothing, weights, labs and what have you and do my time at therapy, get my medications and counseling, I think then maybe the Ed will slowly start to unravel on its own. I may not need to be hospitalized or threatened.
Maybe I will feel comfortable enough with myself that I can maintain finally, perhaps stay at a weight no higher than 100lbs. I want to believe that type of thinking is possible. That this thing that is plaguing me won't destroy me and take away any further years from my life.
So contrary to.. I won't say popular, but someones belief, I know I will pull through from this. I want a life.
Some resemblance of that.
Bulimia will not be all I'm known for, that's only a small piece of me, but its not me entirely. I am not a victim either or playing one as was something that was tossed around in last night's one sided conversation. I've had awful things happen to me yes, I'm ready to move past that. Time is the thing, and patience too. There is no moving forward without them.

I wanted to do today differently, but of course when Mia's around, time sort of slips away from me.
I wanted to get a Mani, Pedi and update my blog pics. Body shots.
I'll do that tomorrow. I managed to at least get the nails done finally, late-but done. 107lbs, I honestly don't know if there will be a significant change or not in my body, but you all be the judge and please be kind, I'm made of wax not stone!
Oh and Tuesday my treadmill should be ready. Finally a real workout. I've managed to not workout at all today, I can't recall if I did yesterday?
Hate forgetting things. Wonder if there's a vitamin for memory loss..
I'm hoping for either Chia Seeds Tuesday too or the Miralax, hmm maybe both.
Night to you all, school tomorrow and a Teacher / Parent progress meeting after school. Hope its rave reviews for my daughter.


Phantom said...

hey! congrats on the weightloss!
my mom always used to keep metamucil in the cupboard at home and that used to work for me, with alot less pain than normal laxies, strange it didn't work for you. it just goes to show how everybody's bodies are different.
also i wanted to ask you, how come you seem so sad? i know you don't talk about being sad but you seem it.
oh and if ever you want tips on make-up you can just ask me :) i'd be glad to assist

Mich said...

I'm sorry about your friend attacking you on IM. People can be so painfully tactless. <3

Good luck at the parent/teacher meeting. I'm sure they'll have wonderful things to say about your daughter. :D


Lucie Love Heart said...

Ooooooh the parade looked fun, did you watch it? xxx