Monday, October 18, 2010

Starvation Mode

Day seven with Ana tugging me forward.
I am no longer feeling the euphoria, instead I feel incredibly aware and alert.
Weight 125.
I am going through starvation mode. My body is not budging, holding on to any little thing that happens to come its way. I don't want this. I want to keep losing, rush through these five plaguing pounds and get to the 100's already.
Last night's water stayed with me until 2am when the tea finally kicked in for one pitiful instant. The triggering feeling made me toss and turn in bed. I felt anxious and scared to sleep. The cat didn't help matters much. My cat who is never affectionate unless she wants something kept me up, she was too sweet, she'd rub her furry face against mines and purr loudly, even biting my fingers in some cases. Every time I would close my eyes, she'd come along and wake me? I got up and filled food and water bowls, even changed the litter box thinking that was it, but still she persisted to keep bothering me. I started to think maybe she sensed disaster like most animals do before it hits, maybe I would pass away in my sleep, finally two am rolled around and the tea got working, already being up thanks to that dam cat I headed to the bathroom where of course she followed. Finally at four I couldn't anymore, If death wanted me, it would have to drag my tired corpse out of bed. I had strange dreams, can't recall what about, but I know a bucket fried chicken was involved..
I've heard about this, fasting makes you have random food dreams. The alarm did not go off this morning but my parched throat and throbbing head woke me up instead. Feels like a hangover?
Weighed and plateaued at 125, shit.
Very triggering. How can I overcome this now?
I think its muscle too, all of the new toning exercises are adding up. I may not jog today just to see what happens. I do feel like taking a lax tonight, I really shouldn't, but I got that itch today. I feel like caving. Grr! why is this so hard?
I don't know yet, the day has just started and I'm already tempted. Off the scale and onwards with supps and water pills, Excederin too for this pesky head pain. Caloric intake for today 110 calories thanks to the orange juice.
The cold is back, I am freezing!
72 degrees outside and inside the thermostat set at 76. Sweater on and socks pulled as high as they can go. Time for school.
The dizziness is back, had to grip the counter twice already.

Red galore this week at my daughter's school and I need to have a word with her teacher after school. Not looking forward to that, feels like I'm the one in trouble too. I really hope its nothing.
Hubby works today and I'm actually wondering what will happen once he leaves, the craving is nawing at me, my chest starts to get tight just thinking about bringing that huge binge back up. It would'nt make a difference anyways, I'm not sure if b/p would even boost my metabo right now and push me to 124?
I can hear Mia clearly telling me different.
I've heard to get out of starvation mode you should workout less and eat more, maybe 500 cals or so?
That's not going to happen.
I can't stand the feeling of food inside of me, that's why I could never do ABC-the thought of all that digestion, the calories..
OEP later and then who knows, I'll try my best to keep the voices out.
I wanted to finish reading yesterday, I don't know if any of you have ever been under the influence and have tried to concentrate soley on something important, but it doesn't work. What's the first thing they tell you that gets affected, your judgement of course. Yesterday's strange Euphoria had me spent, I would read and re-read the same thing just to make sure I understood it? I finally gave up realizing my concentration was at an all time low. Today I won't even kid myself with a book. I'll find something else to occupy my mind from Mia's calling.

Don't fast and Read!