Wednesday, October 13, 2010

No choice

Day two and no sign of Mia.
I am not happy.
Weight 129..
I did not b/p yesterday at all, and today was no better. I have nothing in my stomach except pills, tea and water. I am cranky, irritable and sad all wrapped into one. I'm sure PMS has a part to play in all of this, but mostly its because I'm triggered and can't cave. I'm so dizzy and fatigued, I just want to take a long nap someplace cold dark and quiet.

Husband is off again tomorrow, that means I can't b/p either. Like it or not looks like Ana's come to visit for awhile. I know purging gets me tired, and some days I am dizzy and have zero energy, but this not eating at all, is a whole new animal. My god, I feel like I'm going to keel over any second, I've had too many dizzy spells to count today. Mia's a bitch, but Ana is sucking the life out of me.
Maybe I'm being too cynical, I've heard the first three days are hardest anyways, after tomorrow though the hunger goes and then later on the wicked euphoria can kick in. Look I'm not even hungry, the OEP takes care of that, so I don't care about that, its the sudden drain of energy that is unsettling to me. I mean I'm all for not eating squat, but I need to be able to function, I got things to do.
I think its because its been a good five years since I've been down this road. Mia's been very good to me lately, she's killing me from the inside of course, but how many people can honestly say that they know what they will die from one day?
Maybe after the third day I will get used to it, maybe I'm just stressed and that's what is causing the massive fatigue. I think I will try to see how long I can go like this.
This morning I was questioned again about my attitude. Why? What's wrong with you? etc..
Really, these same inane questions again? Can't you see that I am not well and you feed the sickness? Your presence flames the fires.
Finally I just cried in frustration and said the truth out loud- look I don't give a fuck about myself anymore, I give up. I just want to be left alone. Why can't I just have some time to myself away from the triggers? Sometimes I feel like this is a slow suicide and I welcome it. Maybe the madness in my head will cease, maybe I can find peace at last.

"Madness" by Rogier Van Der Weyden
I'm tired of feeling anxious and sad for no reason, this is not living. Its no wonder my weight is all I can control. That's all I have a grasp on. I wish I had somewhere to run away to, someone to see, I'm tired of these same four walls day after day. I'm tired of seeing my husband sit idly by and watch me slowly get worse. He eats his meals and drinks his brandy, my stomach growls and my eyes close in hopes that this is all a dream and not my actual reality.
I don't regret choosing this path, this way to deal with everything that's bottled up, I only wish I could have done it sooner.
Lax tonight and I continue on hoping to keep dropping all of this dead weight that's been holding me back. The real me is under all these layers somewhere, I will find her again and all will be right. I will like who I see in the mirror again. Maybe then will I be free.