Sunday, October 31, 2010

All Hallows Eve

Happy Halloween!
Today was a good day.
Halloween. Its my favorite day in the entire year, today I was normal, sort of.

A Free Halloween Party in my neighborhood park was the first destination on the agenda. It was great, my daughter had a wonderful time.
I woke up anxious and excited this morning, today would be a challenge. Last night I laxed again, after awaking at 8am, weighed and 119lbs. Finally things seem to be getting back on track.
After weighing, I took water pills, supps, and an OEP.
Tried to go back to bed but couldn't, a short while later my daughter woke up and jumped on the bed.
"Happy Halloween Mom!" she said super excited at the thought of wearing a costume and consuming infinite amounts of sugar.
I made her breakfast and ate with her too. My husband was still asleep and I was dizzy. Lots to do today.
I faked a shower and purged. 119 still-safe.
I decided to get a workout in, seeing as how the day would be long.
Normally I'd shower straight after, but the fatigue hit me hard and I layed back down while my husband woke up and got ready to put the coffee on.
"Lulu? are you OK, what's wrong?" concern in his voice.
Morning workouts get me so tired for some reason, besides all the lax.
I just needed to come down for a minute, then I proceeded to shower.
My husband showered and got ready and then my daughter.
I sewed a hole in her costume right quick and then the Scooby suit was back on.
Now my turn to get ready. My husband had no idea what I would dress up as. Neither did I initially, but I improvised and It turned out OK.

So then we're off to pick up my niece and head to the park.
The thing about celebrations like these is that there are numerous vendors selling all kinds of food. My husband and niece both buy plates of food after a few hours of us being there. They both offer me several times, a plate of food. I refuse, all I want is a diet coke. My daughter, who ate a whole hot dog already and had half of another hot dog on her plate, it was her turn now to offer.
"Mommy do you want to share my hot dog?" she looks sincere and innocent, sweat beads on her nose and a smile on her face.
I almost wanted to cry.
I gulped, my throat dry from the depletion of water thanks to the pills and lax.
I could not say no.
"Sure baby, I'd love to eat it." My fake smile all too big.
So I ate it and chugged half of the diet soda too.
She was happy to share, she always is.
The small amount of food echoed in me. Every fiber of my being wanted the thing out.
I was having such a good time up until then, no Ed in sight. I was just like everyone else enjoying the day, carefree. No worries over weight or numbers, or such things as scales or Bulimia. I tried not to ruin the day.
It was time to go finally, home to rest for a minute before heading out to stop number two of the day.
When we got back to my place I made my way to the bathroom and tried to purge the pitiful meal. Nothing.
It would not budge, and so I let it sit in me and quietly cried in the bathroom, while my husband, nephew and niece laughed at something my daughter was saying.
I decided to just accept it and opened the door to join them in the next room.
My niece was enjoying the day and we all decided to celebrate it properly with drinks. Wine this time, a smooth White Zinfandel, my second favorite next to Merlot.
I was buzzed and uploading the park's pics on FaceBook for my immediate family to see online. Time to go..
Second stop an old tradition, trick or treating at Bayside.

After a few hours of this we were all tired and ready to go home. More wine and scary movies awaited us..
In the back of my mind I wanted to know if any weight had fluctuated.
It was getting late and time for my niece to go home, my little nephew who's in the terrible two faze was tired and fussy.
After she was dropped back home the wine continued, this time I flew solo.

Now comes the hard part..
I've checked weight and I'm up by one.
I'm already dehydrated and there is no school tomorrow or the next day for my daughter. What do I do?
I've already started the drinking binge, and now I feel like I should just b/p too.
My husband is preoccupied with a bottle of Whiskey and the DVR recording of the Miami Heat game, I can go unnoticed.
I don't know what to do.
I'm triggered. I feel like I even want to lax again!
I can't lax again, three days in a row is bad news, bad.
I won't lax.
As for Mia's constant nag, I'm not really sure now. I think I will.
The day was almost perfect, but the Ed is always there. Mia is always there, a promise when all others fade away. I feel like crying, I feel defeated. A slave to this.
I can't even imagine the exhaustion my body will feel tomorrow from this. The abuse I put myself through. Why do I keep punishing myself so much?
I can't even remember anymore what got all this started.
Almost midnight now and I think I should just get it over with. My feet hurt and my daughter's asleep already. The game is over now and my husband has that look on his eye like he wants to talk. Ugh chatter, how I hate it. I long for silence and the dark cold quiet that comes with it.
Hope you all had a good time tonight, I did, up until now.
Goodnight my lovelies.
Happy Halloween to you all!


Anonymous said...

<3 Don't be too hard on yourself. x

bonesarepure said...

ur weight flucates during the day its a given fact

*Broken* said...

You shouldn´t weight yourself more than once a day, you´r weight goes up because of liquids and stuff, so don´t worry.
Think that at least you enyoyed most of the day and like Bella said don´t be so hard on yourself.
Btw you look amazing =)

lou said...

@Bella & Broken thanks..I'm trying to cut myself some slack, Ill get there one day.

@Bonesarepure yeah I figured it yo yo's all throught the day, still irks me though lol

AKA 'Krystal' said...

lulu - im with u... i know the weight fluctuates as much as 5lbs at any time during the day - doesnt mean it doesnt still freak me out! hope u r doing better than me today... i cant seem to get ahold of myself with this purging and i really think i may have a tear or something... it is scaring the shit out of me but not stopping mia - in fact she seems stronger than ever...