Tuesday, October 12, 2010


Weight 129.
Finally I'm back here again..
I can't wait to just breeze through this and get to the next milestone already, so close to my goal, I can almost see it now.
Today I did not leave the bed. Last night's lax is still in effect.
Hubby came home and decided to stay up on the computer until 4am. I had to be up at seven and get my daughter ready for picture day. I was tired and up all night myself, when the alarm went off I asked him to take her to school instead after I got her dressed. Took supps and water pills and then realized mother nature paid me a visit this morning. Grr!
Great let's see how long it sticks around this time. I'm at 129 which feels great, but I'm also exhausted and so sore from new exercises. Went back to bed and woke up at 1pm, pissed.
Husband decided to switch his days off, so now I have him lingering around today. I was planning a b/p session and then a great workout-well that's out the window now. I have the worst craving for chocolate in the history of periods! I would eat my toe right now if it were covered in a chocolate candy shell.
It's going on two and husband leaves to get my daughter, around 2:15 get a call from him, he's at CVS buying me sanitary napkins and guess what M&M's..
Why me? Of course he'd buy it on the day I can't eat it, and I thought he would show up with two little individual bags, nope he pulls out all the stops and buys me two large bags. Torture.

I'm so triggered today and have no relief. I can't even have a glass of wine If I wanted to. I just want some peace and quiet. I just want to be alone.

You know how crack houses are a place for drug addicts to go and get high, well I wish they had B/P houses, a place for triggered Mia's to go and get some release.
I guess the only thing I'll be eating today is OEP pills and cold water.

What B/P House would look like..
Dammit why aren't you real!
Wish something would just change already, so sick of this shit. My chest hurts real bad today, so stressed. Now I see why some people cut. If only I were brave enough to do so. Another way to get some kind of control, feels like I'm just floating out here with no direction. 
Today is not a good day, tomorrow won't be either. I have a lifesize trigger with me constantly, how am I ever suppose to get better?
Lifesize trigger constantly blabbing away like I care. What about me, how long can you turn a blind eye?
I'll just keep going until my body decides its had enough. My goal is not going to be enough anymore. I don't want to stop, I want to just evaporate.
I can only make myself happy, and one day I will be. Even if I'm the only one who sees it that way.
128 and lower, I can't wait.