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Sunday, October 17, 2010

Red

                                                                                           Mood:triggered
So its still day six of the unintentional fast, and I'm currently experiencing a euphoric state. My vision is now getting cloudy and the pressure is on the top of my head, not a headache but something like being caught in a vice.
I am triggered now, I need to vent.
Getting everything ready for the week ahead, I look in my daughter's book bag. Her father was the last one in there and assured me everything was in order on Friday. Her homework all done and everything is signed. When he chooses to parent I try not to jump in anymore, I need some of the load to be shared. I can't be both parents all the time, its added stress for me.
Here we are now, the mood is ruined. I'm trying to type, but my hands are real shaky and my stomach is in knots, the cold is back with a vengeance. No more cute little nighties, the sweater is back on.
My vision comes and goes, like its trying to focus. This reminds me of a visit to the Optometrists office and I'm being fitted for glasses all over agin. I keep waiting for the Dr. to say which one is better, one or two?
The teacher wants to schedule a meeting, apparently my daughter had a day where she refused to follow directions..well she is only five?
Great now I have to go in person and hear all kinds of things from her kindergarten teacher. Paranoia ensues!
I don't know why she wouldn't be listening, I'm sure its nothing, but the way my mind works I can just imagine all kinds of things contributing to this one day of misbehaving.
In additon to that I'm not looking forward to my husband's response. He looks for any little thing to pin against me. I can just hear him now-"Well she's acting out because of the way you behave, the mood swings!"
I don't know about tomorrow now, feels like Mia may be knocking on my door.
He may be right, I don't fucking know anymore. I'm not a good person, I need to be put away somewhere padded.
I'm not a good mom.
I talk to my daughter and explain to her why its important to behave in class and follow directions, and then I continue to tell her that I want her to listen to her teacher and do as she's told. Her behaivior is color coded on a chart that's in a binder for the parents. Red means bad, Green means good, Yellow is somewhere in between, limbo I suppose.
She got Red, she always gets green, well one time she had a yellow, but the teacher made a note that she was very chatty. That she is, no matter what color you wanna invent lady.
So my kid is told the consequences of continued red behaivior which is basically that I take away things, computer, toys and T.v time..
My daughter understands and agrees to stay in green. So its a bath and early to bed. I'm starting to wonder if my husband ignored all of this on purpose, I swear that man lives to irk me. I don't know, I wanna believe in good. I can't stand decieitefulness from anyone, I hate lies most of all. I'm trying to brush it off. I feel triggered nonetheless.
Monday is the start of "Red Ribbon Week" aka say no to drugs campaign.


I have to go poking through drawers now and see if she has a red shirt in the wings for school.
I will try to be strong tomorrow but the way I feel right now, I'd totally cave.
Its night already and too late for any kind of b/p session. I worked out today and drank 32 ounces of water, not alot really, but alot to me. I also had three cups of tea. The weight is up of course all that liquid gushing around this huge gut of mines. I'm like a lava lamp.
That's super triggering, but I've convinced myself its nothing and I did not purge it out. In additon to all that lovely water, I added one more cup, iced tea this time, no sugar but plenty of cayanne pepper and cinammon. Trying to see if that will boost metabolism further, I think I've hit the plateau. Hmm I usually get it around the halfway point of milestones. On a plus side my period is going away, I think tonight should be it. Praise Jebus!
Finally I catch a break, I hope this means I'm back to normal and the cysts are done screwing around in my ovaries. I dread gyno visits. Oh, and no lax tonight! Hehehe..
Day six wasn't too hard, I didn't really have any cravings, and I was plenty occupied today anyway. I feel bad now, but I'm going to bed soon and it won't matter after that. I really hope I can be strong tomorrow. I want a glimpse of life without Mia on my back. I get exhausted just thinking about how demanding it is at times to live with her daily. Wish me luck my lovelies and nite to you all..

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