Sunday, October 24, 2010

121 and its no Fun..

Today is my sister in law's birthday.
She and her unborn child recently passed away in August. I took it very hard, its always hard when a good person dies for no reason, so unexpectedly. She was six months pregnant, her first baby, my brother's first son. Life was about to happen for them both, instead a pulmonary embolism in her lungs took her from us. We are still devastated.
I got to spend time with my brother yesterday, he came for a visit on his day off. We watched movies and caught up on things. It was a lovely afternoon but I could see that he was sad. It makes me sad to see him hold it all inside, god we're so much alike its funny at times. He's the oldest of my family and I'm the youngest, despite the age difference are mannerisms and attitude are incredibly similar. I've even started hearing recently that we look alike which is news to us both, we laugh quietly to ourselves every time we hear this.
During his visit I was a bit apprehensive, I'm thinner since he last saw me. I caught him giving me a once over at some point from the corner of my eye, I ignored it. He made no mention of the loss and so we continued to not talk about it. Today on his wife's birthday he decided to be alone in his grief, its understandable, I would do the same. Sometimes its all you have, the say in how to be misreable. On Facebook her wall is filled with birthday wishes and prayers, grief stricken family members all in unisom. It makes me cry, how random life is. When it was time for my brother to go, I gave him a big hug, he squeezed me too and rubbed my back. I wonder how my bony shoulder blades must've felt against him?
He was gone and Mia waited in the wings with lax later to end the night. Today 121lbs and still going down, I suspect 120 before the day is over.
Just took supps and water pills, I don't think I'll be b/p today. I get exhausted just thinking about it at all. My head hurts and I'm tired. My knuckes are red and scabbed over, it stings to make a fist. My jaw hurts when I yawn and my eyes are bloodshot red from a popped vessel I suspect. I can't keep going today, I think I may just crawl back in bed to avoid any temptation. Ugh..

 My husband is off and parked on the couch watching football for the next three hours. I think I'll go shower soon so cold! He's brought home plenty of food in hopes of feeding me later, oh and beer! Wish I could hide out somewhere. He's trying to kill me slowly I think, or get killed if he's not careful, death by spork impailment! Of course he would bring the salad that I like.
Its now lunchtime and he's stuffing his face and offering me something every five minutes. I finally got pissed and told him if he fed me I would throw it up, what did he do..nothing. Its like I would've said today is the 24th of October. He is vacant, nothing pierces this man, sometimes I just want to b/p with him here to see if that would do it. He doesn't care is the reality, I'm not to that point yet where its scary to him. I don't matter. I should just drill that into my head already, why can't I just get it?
All I really just want is a protein shake, but I'm so scared to ruin the loss with liquid. I may have to work out straight afterwards if I do decide to drink anything. At least I have no chest pains yet. Today is going to be a long day!
It usually is whenever I decide to kick Mia aside. I hope the inner turmoil will be tolerable. I will try my best to just fast today, I will do everything in my power to shut the voices out. I hope I can do this?
Its not going to be easy, I'm feeling triggered already and sad. God I wish I was a cutter, would that help right about now. I just want to feel something other than this shit!
I'm going to draw a bath and soak in the tub for a few hours, I need to be in utter silence. Have to keep killing hours to make this day go by quicker. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming..


bonesarepure said...

dont wanna sound mean but y would u wish to b a cutter
its not a fun or good thiing trust me trust the girl who as so many scars its not good and its a bitch to hide so dont wish for that